Lesbian Vampire Killers

Another hopefully not gash review of a definitely gash film. Enjoy.

Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

I remember first seeing the above poster and smiling at the title. After all, it's scarily close to one of my intended pieces of filmic genius: Blood! Death! Lesbians! Part II. When the cinema release rolled around, I found myself in a gripping state of "couldn't be arsed", so I forgot about it for a while. The terrible reviews served as proof that I'd chosen wisely. Still, since the gods at LoveFilm decided to send me the disc, I thought I'd better review it- lest I watch a film and not feel the need to share my thoughts on a little seen film blog.

"Hahahahaha! It's got a big metal cock for a handle!"

After Jimmy (Matthew Horne) is dumped by his serial relationship ending girlfriend, his friend Fletch (James Corden) decides they need a break and they go hiking in a small Welsh town, unaware that the town is under a curse that turns girls into lesbian vampires on their 18th birthday. The plot is a knowing spoof of the classic Hammer Horror films, but send-up or not, it's still bad. By the end, I just didn't care at all for any of the poorly written characters. The acting is pretty good, but the script snuffs any glimmer of enjoyment there may have been in favour of more shit jokes, of which there are ample.

It's nigh-on impossible to not mention Shaun of the Dead in all this. Two actors, one fat, one thin, fresh from a cult TV show, do a horror comedy and it gets them famous. However, what Horne and Corden don't seem to realise is that Shaun of the Dead worked because it was extremely well-written. Lesbian Vampire Killers' banter aims for the same back and forth that Shaun and Ed had, but misses it entirely. Take this choice exchange and tell me if it doesn't want to make you punch a kitten with rage:

"Fletch: This is all getting a bit weird, eh? Women going missing, towels covered in blood...

Jimmy: Well it's not really "covered", it's more of a light spotting...

Fletch: (Sarcastically) Oh well, that's alright then..."

What annoys me most of all is that the film seems to think it's actually funny. It's like some twat at a party who keeps telling shit jokes, but everyone's too embarrassed to call him out on it. Only, Lesbian Vampire Killers is worse, because you can at least physically throttle the unfunny party twunt if you so wish. Some of the gags were so hackneyed I had to stop myself from turning it off, lying on the ground and seeing if I could headbutt my way through to China. Not a good sign.

Lesbian Vampire Killers bills itself as a "horror comedy" but as it isn't scary and is certainly not funny, it's actually a "_________". It's simply a film -and a bad one at that. It even had the audacity to set up a possible sequel, something which terrified me to my very core. Please, for fuck's sake, avoid this "film".

Clash of the Titans

Yeah, yeah- I know. Clash of the Titans has been out for ages and has probably disappeared from cinemas altogether by now, but trust me- you're not missing much anyway. Consider this some friendly advice before you pick it up to watch with your beer and kebab on a Friday night. You're welcome.

Clash of the Titans (2010)

Although my personal summer blockbuster season started with Iron Man 2, Clash of the Titans was arguably the start of this year's heavy hitters. It's got all the elements of a successful popcorn no-brainer. It's a remake, it's a story that people will know anyway,-so all the 'tards won't be challenged with anything "new" or "edgy", it's got Sam Worthington, fresh from the bafflingly popular Avatar and it's in motherfucking 3D. It should have had "dumb but fun" written all over it. The words "should have" are the key ones there. Should. Have.

"Every step we take is an insult to the gods."

After his adopted family are murdered by Hades (Ralph Fiennes), half man, half god, all twat Perseus (Sam Worthington) decides to take revenge on the king of the Underworld as humanity starts to rise up and not only question, but start a war with the gods. I can't really fault the plot as it is classic mythology- it's been around for centuries for a reason. What I can fault is the execution- which is fucking terrible. Sam Worthington muscles around the screen blundering into one video game level after another, whereas Gemma Arterton, playing love interest Io, is wasted and may as well not have been in the film. Liam Neeson doesn't exactly stretch himself and is made to look utterly ridiculous in some kind of disco armour that glitters perpetually. The only interesting characters are Mads Mikkelsen's Draco and Ralph Fiennes' Hades who chews any parts of the scenery that haven't been enhanced by CGI. Seriously, I haven't seen that much ham since the tragic bombing of Farmer Dan's Piggery in '92.

Clash of the Titans isn't all bad. The scene with the three witches (with one eye between them) is good as is some of the action. But most of the scenes are just too heavily laden with underwhelming computer nonsense to be effective. I'm all for computer effects, but I hate it when films rely on them rather than just filling in the "impossible otherwise" scenes with technical wizardry. The Kraken scene for instance, is poorly realised and relies on the big money shots (my blog hits just jumped significantly after using that phrase) of the monster smashing up Argos -the ancient city, that is, not the most depressing place on Earth.

The one scene that really narked me off was the Medusa sequence, where all the tension and suspense in the book was replaced by a CGI half snake woman slithering around with epic action music farting out. It genuinely disappointed me. Clash of the Titans was infamously retrofitted to be in 3D for its cinema release. It shows too. Whilst the best examples of 3D can hardly be considered to be good, Gash of the Titans was clearly changed to cash in on the Avatar craze, with the gimmick adding nothing to anything.

"Decide your penance- death or sacrifice."

The film is pretty poor. The writing is downright bad, the acting shite and the action sequences vary from okay to rubbish. I expect more from my action films, thank you.