Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Yep, changing up the ol' formula by reviewing a sequel just after reviewing the original. I swear to God, these ideas just come to me...

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

Well, despite what the large text above the poster and the small text actually on the poster say, the film is officially called 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. This may have been to prevent the inevitable "not-so-fantastic four" jokes after the slice of average that was the first one, but whatever, it's stupid. So, in a stunning act of internet vigilantism, I have called the film by what it should have been called. It may sound silly to you, but fuck it- it's not actually going to make the film better or anything...

"All that you know is at an end."

The story is as follows: Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) and Sue Storm (Jessica Alba) are struggling to balance their new-found celebrity status and their personal life, trying to tie the knot for the fourth time without any interruptions. Ben Grimm aka The Thing (Michael Chiklis) is still with his blind girlfriend Alicia and Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) is still living the life of a playboy. However, when a strange cosmic being nicknamed The Silver Surfer (voiced by Laurence Fishburne) starts fucking up the weather and heralding the end of the World, the Four step in to prove that they deserve their "fantastic" prefix. To be honest, the plot isn't great. Instead of focusing on a new baddie for the Four to square off against, they have a sort-of baddie in the form of The Silver Surfer, a huge destructive force in the form of the (thankfully not pink) transplanetary ponce Galactus and (sigh) Dr. Doom from the first one. It's just needlessly clogged. The whole wedding drama element proved that I can find even superpowered nuptials boring. My notes on the casting still ring true, although this time round they somehow managed to make Jessica Alba look like she belongs in White Chicks. The only notable addition is the Silver Surfer himself, who is brilliantly realised by Doug Jones's physicality and Laurence Fishburne's booming voice.

There's something about Rise of the Silver Surfer I just don't like. I think it's mainly to do with the fact it isn't as fun as the first. The few things they got right in Fantastic Four are changed for the sequel. This is particularly true in the case of Johnny Storm, whose lines are nowhere near as good as in the first one and veers into annoying comic relief territory. They also tack on some bullshit "settling down" notion for Johnny to deal with which makes things needlessly stodgy. The power switching thing is also rubbish and you'd have to be thicker than a walrus casserole to not guess how it's all resolved.

Another thing that shreds my petunias is the fact that they make Sue the "emotional heart" of the film, with the majority of scenes not containing shit blowing up dedicated to Alba doing her best acting face whilst interacting with the Silver Surfer. It's the same thing X-Men: The Last Stand did, and we all know how that turned out. It's very patronising to make the only female in a group deal with all the emotional stuff. You'd have thought both Marvel and Fox would have wanted to stay as far away from the piece of X-Shite as possible.

"You know, you don't look completely ridiculous in that dress."

Rise of the Silver Surfer isn't all bad. The action is alright and there are snatches of enjoyment to be had here and there (The London Eye sequence is entertaining despite some ropey CGI) but there's a feeling of wasted potential that brought the whole thing down for me. A sequel was a chance to fix the faults of the first and capitalise on its successes, but all it does is make new mistakes in addition to the old ones. In summary, if the first film was an average, but perfectly nice cheese sandwich, Rise of the Silver Surfer's sandwich looks very much like the first but when you take a bite, you realise the cheese has been replaced by your own hand.

Fantastic Four

I was genuinely surprised to find that I hadn't reviewed the Fantastic Four films. Here was me thinking I had the Marvelverse covered and I haven't even reviewed the lesser known Marvel properties like Daredevil. Still, this changes now with a review of 2005's Fantastic Four (the less said about 1994's The Fantastic Four the better). I never want to see the words "fantastic" and "four" ever again.

Fantastic Four (2005)

The early 2000s were pretty good to a nerd like me. After X-Men came out and Spider-Man made huge money at the box office, comic book rights were hastily bought and shoved into production with varying degrees of success. At the time, Fantastic Four was the latest in a long line of superflicks trying to get a sneaky piece of the ludicrous money pie cooling on the windowsill of Hollywood...

...That's the first time I've made myself vomit from my own metaphorical shittery.

"You don't want to walk around on fire for the rest of your life, do you?"

After a space mission goes awry, scientists Dr. Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd), Sue Storm (Jessica Alba), Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis) and Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) are hit by radiation causing them to gain superhuman abilities. However, the stupidly named Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon) has super-beef with Richards and will stop at nothing to end the Four. The plot is that superhero plot. Average people encounter some kind of radiation and it enables them to so impossible things. It's like Spider-Man in space with a vague "space storm" taking the part of the spider*.

Rarely does a film get the casting this wrong. Ioan Gruffudd is a baffling choice for Reed Richards. He's a good actor, but hardly suited to the role of a middle-aged, all-American genius scientist. In a similar vein, why the hell cast the naturally dark haired, dark complexioned Jessica Alba as blonde haired, blue eyed Sue Storm? It is certainly not due to her acting abilities, so if we're going purely on looks and how good the actress looks in a skintight jumpsuit, surely someone like Scarlett Johansson would have been a better bet? Michael Chiklis is pretty good as The Thing, but all that's really required in the role is a gruff voice and a tolerance for sitting in the make-up chair for hours on end. Chris Evans is really entertaining as The Human Torch, sticking fairly close to the comics in terms of Johnny Storm's personality. Oh- Julian McMahon is also fucking terrible as Dr. Doom- I've seen scarier bowls of cereal.

As I said way back when in my Push review, I'm sick of people gaining powers and not enjoying them. It's refreshing to see the Johnny Storm character actually have fun with his burgeoning fire powers. It could be said that the film itself tries to have more fun with the notion of superpowers than your average superhuman whinge-'em-up. OK, three of the Four treat the powers as a burden, but in no other superhero film would you get a musical montage halfway through where a character uses his powers to remedy the dreaded "no bog roll" situation whilst in lavatorium (Yes, I know that's not a) a common euphemisim or b) real Latin- so shut up.) Fantastic Four is all about the lighter side of the superhero spectrum in which it has little company- well, excluding the sequel anyway. It's nice to see a comic based film without cripplingly depressing stretches. The post extreme biking scene where the Four clash publicly over Johnny's childish attention-seeking is particularly great and contains the brilliant Thing-directed line below:

"You think that's funny, Pebbles?"

Fantastic Four is a fun but flawed film. There's some decent action and enjoyment to be found in the interactions between the Thing and Johnny Storm, but it's just too average as a whole to be anything more than a throwaway popcorn flick. As I said, I like it for its levity in a genre swamped with gritty hyper-reality, but is by no means an essential watch.

*Speaking of Spider-Man, keep it in mind whilst watching this. The boardroom scenes completely rip off the first Spidey film. Shameless thievery.

Bully

In an effort to once again prove to readers of this blog that I'm not just a blockbuster dullard who watches stuff like Transformers on a loop, pausing every 20 minutes to bash one out to either Megan Fox's physique or Optimus Prime's perfectly rendered face, I watched Bully- a film with no robots, no tie-in video game, but acres of gratuitous naked teen flesh and shocking violence. I can only pray that a video game is in the works.

Bully (2001)

"Angst" is an annoyingly misused word. Chances are you've heard of "teen angst" thanks to overhyped toss like Skins and the like. It's all very patronising. It's all so middle-aged bankers can neatly label the odd behaviour of their skull-fucked teens and get on with their boring lives. Bully redefines angst and unease and conveys it so damn well, it'll leave your mind reeling for longer than you'd like to admit.

"I've got to ask you something, Marty. Why do you let Bobby treat you the way he does?"

Bully tells the story of Marty (Brad Renfro) and his gang of waster friends who are driven to the point of desperation due to the actions of a bullying, fucked-up, A-grade wanker by the name of Bobby Kent (Nick Stahl). After some pushing by his girlfriend Lisa (Rachel Miner), Marty decides that Bobby needs to be forcibly removed from this mortal coil. The plot is gripping from the off, especially so as it is based on a true story. It's a genuinely chilling thought that the things that transpire in this film actually happened- something which works to the film's credit. The leads are brilliant without any real exception, although Michael Pitt's stoner Donny did grate slightly- a small annoyance counteracted by the fact that he has nearly all the best lines.

The central tragedy of Bully is that these kids are dealing with shit way above their comprehension. When the idea of killing Bobby first comes up, it's said in a flippant, jokey-type way and their plan never really evolves past that. We identify with the motivation, but know deep down the gang are too youthfully stupid to carry it out properly. This is typified when they hire a "hitman" (Leo Fitzpatrick) on some vague recollection he has ties with the Mafia. Once (invisotexted) Bobby has bought the farm, it's pretty heartbreaking to see the strong group break down due to guilt and fear and start blaming each other.

Bully is a tough, but rewarding watch. Some of the scenes are almost unbearably unpleasant to view but stick it out, oh fictional fan of my reviews- you'll thank me eventually. One scene in particular where our clueless crusaders put their macabre plan into action is so fucking tense, I had to talk myself down from leaping out of the nearest window just to escape the gritty harshness on screen. Bully is also fantastically shot, with director Larry Clark's love of the teenage form on full display. It's all shot in such a way that you as the viewer feel like an intruder on these kids' lives, rather than just a casual observer.

"Are there any alligators in there?"

So yes, Bully is a superb film. It's a fantastic insight into the extremes of human behaviour packaged up as a powerful 113 minute punch. It's certainly not the sort of film you put on after a long, shit day to forget all your troubles as more often than not, Bully is about as cheery as a mass kitten burial. However, you should make time to watch it. It's brilliantly affecting and affectingly brilliant.

Gran Torino

I genuinely can't think of anything to put here, so I'm just going to witter on for a few lines. This is so the casual observer will think that I've actually taken the time to write a suitable preamble. But I haven't. I must be a genius.

Gran Torino (2009)

I just like seeing Clint Eastwood. From the Dollars trilogy to Million Dollar Baby, I just find the man a pleasure to watch. He's not the best actor in the world, but he definitely has an old-school presence about him- a quality which (arguably) a lot of modern actors do not possess.

"Oh-I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here!."

Cantankerous grumbler and war veteran Walt Kowalski (Clint Eastwood) yearns for the America of yesteryear. His wife passed away, he's patronised by his family and his neighbourhood is predominately populated by Asian families. However, when his beloved mint condition 1972 Gran Torino is almost stolen, Walt is slowly forced to build an uneasy friendship with his Asian neighbours. The story is really good, with Walt's evolution from stay-at-home bigot to actually rather friendly bigot, both believable and charming. Clint Eastwood is pretty decent as Kowalski, playing him more along the lines of "Dirty" Harry Callahan than anything else. Sure, Eastwood is a bit of a one-trick pony when it comes to acting, but when the trick's as enjoyable as this, I don't mind. His performance veered into almost self-parodic territory at times, but is eventually all sorted out by the time the credits roll.

Gran Torino is a great watch marred slightly by a thick layer of cheese. It's very easy to say something is "cheesy" and move on like that description somehow suffices, so I'll try to explain what I mean as best I can. Gran Torino seemed to take itself very seriously from the way everything is presented. I was on board with the film when it seemed like Eastwood was giving Kowalski a comedic edge, be it growling like a dog or his slow, burning rage at the infantilising being dished out by his son and his daughter-in-law, resulting in this brilliant face. It was refreshing when Kowalski was unleashing his substantial knowledge of racially insensitive words and phrases. By the end, all or nearly all of Kowalski's traits have been eradicated in favour of the more socially acceptable end of the characteristics spectrum, which I found to be a shame. It's always the way in Hollywood films- rude, social outcast reluctantly is befriended by an outsider and slowly learns that he's been wrong all along, changes his ways and becomes a better person. The basic plot similarities between this and Disney/Pixar's Up are quite striking.

Although the film focuses on Walt's interactions with Thao (Bee Vang), I thought that the relationship between Kowalski and Sue (Ahney Her) was the strongest thing in the film. It's realistic without being mundane and charming without being twee. The scene where Walt protects Sue from some local thugs and then drives her home, for instance, is brilliantly done and well-written. It's no coincidence that I found Sue's story arc to be the most emotionally affecting of all the characters. Although the scenes with Thao were good, some of them were almost overwritten to the point of the two trading soliloquys rather than just two normal people talking.

"But you, you just let her walk out right out with the Three Stooges. And you know why? 'Cause you're a big fat pussy. Well, I gotta go. Good day, pussycake."

As I said, Gran Torino is a fine film. I just wish I hadn't guessed the end 20 minutes before it ended. At its best, it's a decent flick about acceptance 'n that. At its worst, it's an Eastwood vanity project with a sappy moral centre. It's worth a watch, but don't be shocked if your eyes start rolling uncontrollably towards the end.

The Book of Eli

Another film, another review. I just don't seem to put any effort into these preambles any more do I?

The Book of Eli (2010)

I'm sure the soul-crushing loneliness would set in after the first few hours, but sometimes I really would like the world to become a desolate, post-apocalyptic wasteland. Think about it- no queues, no chavs, no shitty Lloyd Webber musical poncefest on the T.V.- nothing. I'm not sure I'd be morally able to stave some poor bastard's head in with a rock just for some fresh water and his dog food stockpile, but I could give it a shot.

"People had more than they needed. We had no idea what was precious and what wasn't. We threw away things people kill each other now."

The Book of Eli is set 30 years after "The Flash"- an apocalyptic event that has changed civilisation forever. We follow the eponymous Eli (Denzel Washington) as he makes his way across the U.S. with a rare and much sought-after book. After hearing of this book, small town boss and shitbag extraordinaire, Carnegie (Gary Oldman) persues Eli in an effort to get his grubby little mitts on it. The story's alright, but not exactly taser-to-the-bollocks exciting. It's pretty much a Western that doesn't pretend black people don't exist. I liked Denzel Washington as Eli and it was good to see Gary Oldman play the baddie again after his friendly stints in the Batman and Harry Potter films. Mila Kunis bugged me, as I just knew she'd end up as Eli's talkative sidekick. Nothing wrong with her as an actress though, just her role as Solara. Oh- and there's an unusually subdued Tom Waits in there too.

The world presented in The Book of Eli is well thought out and decently presented. The wasteland setting is strangely beautiful (although very reminiscent of the video game Fallout 3) and the ideas about money and law are original. I loved the idea of KFC wet wipes being used as currency due to the unavailability of soap. The action scenes are solid too, with some decent knife fights and an amazingly shot shootout in and outside of a house. It's refreshing to be actually able to see fight choreography rather than the "zoomed in spastic camera" way of shooting action that seems to be the default after the Bourne films.

So, if the story's passable, the acting's good and there's some decent action to be found in it, why are there two measly stars at the bottom of this review? Well, it's the one permeating aspect that runs throughout The Book of Eli- religion. You'd have to be pretty thick not to guess which book Eli holds so dear to his heart. In the last 20 minutes, (after some nonsensical twists) the film turns into a boring sermon, preaching and patronising your face off under the loose guise of populist entertainment. It's fucking depressing to know that even a nuclear apocalypse won't stop the Bible bashers. As a result, the film as a whole smacked of religious propaganda rather than an entertaining film with spiritual elements. The film even hints that it was the lack of religion that caused everything to be toasted to a nuclear crisp, which genuinely angered me. Also, (Invisotexted) if The Book of Solara or some such shite gets made as the ending seems to promise, I will go on a kill-crazy rampage at Warner Bros. HQ with the jagged lid of a baked bean tin, slashing hither and thither before thanking them for The Dark Knight and turning it on myself. Or not bother seeing it. It's 50/50.

"I need that book, I want that book. I want you to stay, but if you make me have to choose, I'll kill you and take that book"

So, The Book of Eli then. It's alright but any good ideas displayed were dampened by the grotty, piss-soaked blanket that is Christianity. It just wasn't the film I wanted it to be after the strong opening. Disappointing.

The Damned United

The World Cup hasn't even started and I'm sick of it. I've seen the St. George's Cross on almost everything imaginable in the run up to South Africa. I feel like the damn flag's tattooed onto my retinas. Anyway, I'm not going to pretend I know that much about football but I did just finish watching a film about the good ol' beautiful game, the 90 minute rollercoaster, that game played primarily with the feet, the- y'know what? I really have no fucking clue what I'm on about...

The Damned United (2009)

Yeah- I don't know much about football, let alone the personalities involved. I'd heard of Brian Clough and him being "the best manager England never had" but other than that, not much else. I gather that The Damned United isn't the best place to start learning more about the man, considering the source novel's loose grip on reality, but fuck it- I can't unsee it now, can I?

"I wouldn't say I was the best manager in the country. But I'm in the top one."

As I said, The Damned United is based on the novel of the same name, concerning the life and times of Brian Clough (Michael Sheen), with special focus on his infamous time managing the then top of the league Leeds United. What I liked about the film was the level of characterisation throughout. I had a horrible feeling that the film would be a 98 minute sappy love-letter to the game. However, football is merely the backdrop to the big personalities of Clough, Peter Taylor (Timothy Spall) and Clough's nemesis, Don Revie (Colm Meaney). As far as I can tell, Michael Sheen is great as Clough, presenting us with an arrogant, stubborn yet somehow likeable man. I thought Timothy Spall was good too, giving a lot of heart as Clough's aide and best friend.

We actually see very little football on-screen, which works really well. There's a fantastic scene where Clough is pacing around his office as his Derby side take on Revie's Leeds, with the score only indicated by the roar and silhouettes of the crowd. It's an effective sequence which really draws you in to the emotion of it all. It's interesting to see how football has changed over the years too. The footballers in The Damned United all look about 50 and like they've been on a five-week fried breakfast and whiskey diet. It's a far cry from the poncy, perfectly coiffed millionaires that hoof a ball about today.

Clough is a fascinating character, often seeming quite mad in his desire to be the best. It's a genuine thrill to see Clough's "hell with it all" attitude and plans succeed and painful to see them fail. I felt that his friendship with Pete Taylor was a little too overstated, as the number of "look- they're the best of friends!" scenes prepared me for the inevitable breakdown of camaraderie between the two. The rivalry between Clough and Revie is probably the most curious aspect, as the film suggests that the bad blood between them was caused by Revie not shaking Clough's hand after a match. It seems oddly petty, but the way Clough is presented makes it seem pretty plausible.

"We're from the North, Pete. What do we care about Brighton? Bloody southerners. Look where we are! We're almost in France!"

If you don't like football, don't be put off seeing The Damned United. It's actually more of a character study of people who just happen to be involved in the sport than anything else. It's also got a great Michael Sheen performance and some solid supporting acting by Timothy Spall and Jim Broadbent to enjoy as well. Catch it if you can.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Despite their uniformly shit past, I quite like the idea of films based on video games. With fantastic space epic Mass Effect being the latest to have the movie rights snapped up, it's not a trend that's going to slow down for a while yet. Anyway, as a fan of the source material- that is the PS2 reboot The Sands of Time, not the original 2D Apple II game, I thought I'd check the film.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)

I must admit, Jake Gyllenhaal is an odd choice for a beefcake hero. He's a good actor, but surely a bit too wet to be an action lead? Still, I thought that of Matt Damon before his turn as Jason Bourne in The Bourne Identity, so I was open to being wrong. I liked the idea of the setting too. Thank fuck we are in a time before guns, cars and Justin Bieber*. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty goshdarn fed up of supposedly epic shootouts and car chases. They just all blur into one these days. Enough of this tangential nonsense- Prince of Persia time.

"The gods have a plan for you. A destiny."

Former street urchin, now adopted Prince, Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal) is framed for his father's murder. Dastan has no option but to flee with beautiful Princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton) and somehow clear his name. On his travels, he learns that Tamina possesses a mysterious dagger that can rewind time. A dagger that every crook and ne'er-do-well wants to get their evil hands on. The plot is pretty basic with most of the twists and turns guessable from a bus ride away. The rewinding time gimmick works well though, adding some intrigue and unpredictability to the cookie-cutter plot. Gyllenhaal is pretty good as Dastan, although he's still a bit too much of a simpering fop at times for me to fully buy him as a ripped badass. The name "Dastan" bugged me a bit as well, if only for its similarity to the lead in this woeful film. Gemma Arterton doesn't do much outside of being attractive and could have quite easily blundered in from the set of Clash of the Titans without even needing a wardrobe change. Sir Ben Kingsley-Fossington-Smythe III didn't have to do much either. He was just The Hood from the megacockflop Thunderbirds film with heavier eye make-up.

I realise that in a film like this, the plot is only there to connect the big money action sequences. However, stop me if this sounds familiar: A rich, powerful nation attacks another nation on the basis that they have hidden weapon production facilities. When the powerful nation invades, there are no weapons to be found. Yes, it's the old WMD plot again, reworked to take place in ancient Persia. I'm getting so fucking sick of throwaway, popcorn films trying to make themselves "relevant" by ripping from recent headlines. I go to the cinema to escape the depressing reality of daily life, not to be reminded of it. It's taking real world events and fictionalising them in such a way that even our own recent history feels unreal. It's enough to make me go and get the movement and communication lobes of my brain pierced until I'm in a drooling stupor in the corner, mostly silent except for occasionally giggling at my own farts. Even dribbling ignorance is bliss.

"I've seen it's power with my own eyes. Releasing the sand turns back time. Only the holder of the Dagger is aware what's happened."

Speaking of the big money action sequences, of course they're impressive. There's a frenetic chase across the Persian rooftops and some decent sword fighting to look forward to. I felt that the ostrich race was a step too far, but all in all the action bits were decent. The ending sequence is CGI'd to within an inch of its life, but it doesn't spoil the rest of it too much. I also must applaud the fact the film isn't in 3D- it is sadly a rare thing to watch a blockbuster without having to wear those retarded glasses. Still, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is enjoyable. It's your average big action film with a Persian flavour- and there's nowt wrong with that.

*I will never get sick of Justin Bieber. That Baby song is lyrical genius.