[Rec] 2

Yeah. a horror review on Halloween. It just feels right to watch scary films around Halloween, even if you're a bit of a horror fugitive like me. I get caught up in the tradition of it all. It's the same reason I always seek out The Nightmare Before Christmas in late December and watch The Pancake That Saved The Entire Fucking World on Shrove Tuesday.

[Rec] 2 (2009)

 To date, the original [Rec] is one of the only films that properly chilled me. Its combination of claustrophobic settings, tense atmosphere and effective scares marked it out from the rest of the rabble that make up the oversubscribed horror genre. Since 2007, things have changed. [Rec] was given the standard Hollywood remake treatment in the form of the very similar, but not as good Quarantine. In 2010, we're now staring down the barrel of a fully-fledged [Rec] franchise, with [Rec] 2 being the second in a proposed set of 4 films. There's a lot to fuck up between now and then, but if [Rec] 2 is anything to go by, we could have a semi-decent horror franchise going here.

"¿Dónde están mis guantes de jardinería?"*

[Rec] 2 follows a growing tradition of sequels that start mere minutes after the previous film ended. This time, we follow Dr.Owen (Jonathan Mellor) and a three-man SWAT team around the quarantined building, searching for the antidote to the outbreak. The story is actually pretty decent, retaining the oppressive suffocating feeling that made the first film work. I wasn't impressed when the SWAT team went into the building armed with the type of firepower that could rip a buffalo in half, but to the film's credit, it ups the ante and action whilst retaining some sense of danger and/or fear. The film veers dangerously close to turning into just another guns 'n zoms flick at times, but never quite tips the balance. I actually found the teenagers' thread to be more fear-inducing than that of the tooled-up professional hardmen. Having said that, for professionals, they were about as effective as the scared, unarmed teens against the infected. I think it's because of this that I sided with the kids over the inept guffmonkeys that were the Spanish SWAT.

So, is it scary? Well, it definitely has its moments, but inevitably things aren't as fresh as in [Rec]. The infected have lost their lustre a bit and so [Rec] 2 tries to change things up a bit with all manner of abominations unto the Lord's name. It's progression, but in the most conventional way possible- something which I would have thought way beneath the makers of the original. It's disappointing to see the wheels fall off [Rec]'s sense of realism. It's interesting to note that there are less of the short, sharp shocks that there were in [Rec]. [Rec] 2 has more of a prolonged horror and gross-out kinda vibe to it, which is more hit-and-miss than the almost unbearable tension ratcheting of the first. It's hard to imagine the (admittedly funny, but slightly out of place) firework bit in the original, for one. The film also borrows heavily from The Exorcist to a distracting degree. I mean, if you're going to go for a possession-tinged story, for fuck's sake don't rip off the mack daddy of all crucifix'em ups. You're only going to look inferior by comparison.

"¡Dios mío! Usted tiene la cara de lechuza!"*

However, despite these problems [Rec] 2 is an entertaining film. I'd say it's a worthy sequel, but only just. The cracks are starting to show and the concept is starting to smell a bit, but the ending gave me hope that this will be resolved in the third 'un.

*Yeah, couldn't find any quotes since the film's in fuggin' Spanish so I made some up. Google them if you like jokes with disappointing pay-offs.

The Other Guys

Since I single-handedly failed to review all of this year's blockbusters, I decided that instead of trying to catch up on all of them, I'd pick and choose a select few to talk about. One of those is entitled The Other Guys and stars Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. Let's talk about it, shall we?

The Other Guys (2010)

Even before I sat down to watch The Other Guys, I'd felt like I'd seen it before. The buddy-cop dynamic has been exploited in almost every single way ranging from the time-tested formula of a chalk and cheese pairing (Riggs and Murtaugh from the Lethal Weapon series spring to mind), to the 80's anomaly of teaming Tom Hanks with a big, slobbering dog (Google it if you simply need to find out). Plus, what I suspected to be the funniest moments were already in the trailer, negating any surprise and/or laughs and thoroughly undermining the entire point of trailers. 

"You have the right to remain silent... but I want to hear you scream!"

The basic story is that Det. Allen Gamble (Will Ferrell) and Det. Terry Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg) are "the other guys" behind the superstar cop team of Danson (Dwayne Johnson) and Highsmith (Samuel L. Jackson). Whilst Danson and Highsmith are off doing exciting, death-defying stuff, Gamble and Hoitz are doing their tedious paperwork. However, when The Rock and Mace Windu inexplicably jump off a roof to their deaths, it's Gamble and Hoitz who step up to the challenge of filling their shoes. The plot smacks of pure functionality. It's not here to do something clever or intriguing, it's here to give us big action sequences and chances to see our two leads bicker with each other. Will Ferrell is on automatic pilot through most of the runtime, although I do find the guy funny when he's being earnest and there were a few moments that made me smile. The funnier of the two is Mark Wahlberg, who I'll maintain is a better comedian than he is a serious actor, but again it was only his past glory as the foul-mouthed Dignan from The Departed that made me smile occasionally.

The "corporate corruption" angle, mostly brought in by Steve Coogan's oily, rich Brit Sir David Ershon is ridiculous, especially considering that the film seems to want you to take that aspect seriously- as proven by a helpful and not-at-all out of place series of diagrams explaining big business corruption that plays through the end credits. Fun With Dick and Jane tried to pull a similar trick and when was the last time you heard about that film being talked about on the street? Although, at least it was more justified than it is in The Other Guys, as the plot had vague things to do with the collapse of Enron n' shit like that.

I wanted some decent jokes out of The Other Guys. but it ultimately failed to deliver. If you like comedy as broad as it comes, then look no further than The Other Guys. It's like every joke is designed to be funny to a 12 year old boy with no thought for anyone else. Most of the time, the film just falls back on popular culture references to pad out the weak-as-fuck plot. Haven't heard enough Star Wars references yet, despite the fact that it seems every fucking TV show and film has to mention Lucas' accidental genius trilogy by law? The Other Guys has one. Want to hear the name of a popular video game series used as a punchline? The Other Guys will mention Grand Theft Auto. The absolute pinnacle of this pile of poo though, is the fact that Michael Keaton's character, supposedly unwittingly, keeps quoting TLC song titles. Jesus, modern comedy is so fucking lazy all you have to do to get a laugh is mention something that people remember and they'll bark and clap like over-enthusiastic seals.

"If we were in the wild, I would attack you. Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freakin' eat you!"

The Other Guys is a tough one. I didn't find it funny as such, but I was kept entertained until the patronising pie charts n' piss at the end. I suppose The Other Guys is a safe film- some toss that's thrown together with a surprisingly good cast just to keep the big movie bean-counters happy. If you can sit there and enjoy a film that doesn't even pretend to be about anything else but making your stylish wallet/purse that little bit lighter, then by all means see it. If not, join me and we'll gather outside the studios and picket. All together now- "MUST TRY HARDER! MUST TRY HARDER!"

Resident Evil: Afterlife

Yes, I've been gone for quite a while and as a result, this blog has been quieter than a church mouse graveyard. Still, I've seen a lot of films and will try my best to remember and catalogue them on this here site. To ease me back into the process, I'm reviewing Resident Evil: Afterlife- the latest in the increasingly ludicrous zombie killin' franchise released in shameless 3D.

Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)

I don't often find myself wishing I was on a film set. I mean, it's basically standing around for hours watching the same lines of dialogue being delivered over and over again. Unless it's an action sequence in which case, you're standing around for hours before some incredibly loud explosions go off, deafening the runners sent to get some chai latte or some similar pricey horsepiss. My rapidly disappearing point being, I wish I had been on the set of Afterlife, 'cos if I had, there would be a much better film in the can and a disturbing, localised increase in vicious hand-to-desk staplings.

"My name is Alice. I had worked for the Umbrella Corporation. Five years ago, the T-Virus escaped, and everybody died. Trouble was... they didn't stay dead."

The plot is both simplistic and barely there, which makes for tough summarising. Alice (Milla Jovovich) and Claire (Ali Larter) continue their battle against the all-powerful Umbrella Corporation, headed by Dagenham's third best David Bowie impersonator, Albert Wesker (Shawn Roberts). Along the way, fan-favourite character and Claire's brother, Chris Redfield (Wentworth Miller) joins the fray. From the off, it's clear what Afterlife's intentions are: to pack as many gun fights in the running time as possible, whilst occasionally reminding you why you have those retarded glasses on your face by having something pop out at you. Many people would blame the lack of plot and the abundance of stock characters and phrases on the source material- the long running video game series, but this isn't entirely fair. Whilst there is more fan service in this film than any other, the film ignores all of the good points of the games and makes up some new story full of everything we've seen 100 times before and stopped caring about by the 5th time. The Matrix was 11 fucking years ago, do we really need another lobby type scene? Or how about another falling and shooting slo-mo scene, like the one in The Matrix: Reloaded, proudly touted on the above poster? This is just rehashing to make a quick buck.

I initially approached Afterlife with guarded enthusiasm. After all, I'm always banging on about action like it pays my rent and keeps me warm at night. As as rule of thumb, if shit gets blown up, I'm smiling. However, when Jovotits started decimating everything with a literal glare about 5 minutes into the film, my smile faded and was replaced with some kind of frustrated gurn. It was too damn juvenile. I didn't want to see bullets flying towards me in stupid 3D, I didn't want to see Jovovadge flipping around in slo-mo like her spine had been swapped for a Slinky. What Afterlife fails to grasp is that you can't just build a film around what you think looks cool.

Afterlife is a gimmick film. "Nuthin' wrong with that.", you may grunt, but Afterlife doesn't even play to what few strengths it has. Surely in a zombie franchise, you'd expect some zombies. And they are present. For a bit, anyway. After an admittedly impressive bird's eye view of the now completely fucked Los Angeles, teeming with the undead, we barely see them again. It's idiotic. We don't even get a 3D shot of a zombie with arms reaching out from the screen- something which I was sure was a dead cert. The film instead focuses on the boring, sub-standard Wesker- who reminded me of Seann William-Scott doing an Agent Smith impression and the Nemesis monster- a big, lumbering prick with a sack on his head. 'Nuff said.

"I'm what you used to be... only better."

So, Afterlife is rubbish. As both a fan of action films and of the Resident Evil games, I was disappointed on both counts. I'd be fine if it was considered a misstep and the inevitable sequel was stripped back down to the basics, but it's already the most profitable of the franchise so it's only going to get shittier from here. Join me and bail out of this franchise now before those pesky women and children get there first. It's the only sane way.