Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

'nother new film, 'nother new review. It's a slight change from the norm as I went to go and see this at the nearest IMAX cinema. It's the first proper feature film I've seen on one of those honking great screens and I must admit, it was pretty damn impressive. It's not more "immersive" though in the same way 3D isn't. I will concede that certain shots do have a considerable wow factor to them though. What I didn't like was the IMAX adverts beforehand, telling you how fucking special it all is. There's even some pseudo-scientific "calibration" bit, booming things like "Readying 12,000 watt digital speakers" and "Preparing audience for maximum enjoyment" like it was Space Mountain or something. At that moment, in a cinema in the fucking freezing Cardiff Bay, where a mishandled Coke cup had resulted in a sticky, wet sock-shaped dose of reality, this crap had no place.

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (2011)

Quick! Name a spy series. If this question was asked in the street and not under a feckin' poster for the latest Mission: Impossible, you'd probably name the Bond films. After that? Probably Bourne. Chances are the Mission: Impossible franchise would be pretty low down the list, despite having three previous films,  each helmed by prolific directors and all starring perpetual A-lister Tom Cruise. Now, since I can't be arsed to write full reviews for the previous entries (for now) here's a quick rundown, so you know what to think when asked about them:

Mission: Impossible (1996)- A bit too convoluted for its own good. Betrayal a major theme. Has that super-famous scene where TC is lowered in like a Thunderbirds puppet with half its strings snagged on a nail. Entertaining enough. Tom Cruise runs away from: water in that bit where he blows up a fish tank

M:I -2 (2002) - Fun, but completely fucking ridiculous. Really decent action beats. Tom Cruise has distractingly long hair. Tom Cruise runs away from: a decent barber and doves in slllooooww moootioon.

Mission: Impossible III (2006) - Same notes as for M: I-2 except slightly less ridiculous, obeys most of the laws of physics this time round and Cruise has had a haircut. Philip Seymour Hoffman steals scenes.Tom Cruise runs away from: a massive bridge explosion, slamming him into a car.

"That's it. Next time, I get to seduce the rich guy."

After being framed for a bombing of the Kremlin, IMF agent Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) and his team of Benji Dunn (Simon Pegg), Jane Carter (Paula Patton) and the mysterious Brandt (Jeremy Renner) are disavowed and IMF are shut down. However, the team learn of some stolen nuclear weapons codes by a man named Hendricks (Michael Nyqvist) and so have to race to stop him causing nuclear war, all without the safety net of backup. Whilst I liked the fact that the IMF team had to work without creature comforts like the masks etc (although they do still have rather a lot of impossibly cool spy shit) the plot was as hackneyed as they come. Countless films, books and games have covered the Russian nuclear war angle and I wish they'd have had a stronger, more original story to pad out the fun team dynamic and the action set pieces. Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise, Paula Patton was pretty good, Simon Pegg is funny, but nowhere near as funny as the film thinks he is and Jeremy Renner made me glad he's playing Hawkeye in The Avengers. It was also weird to see Blomkvist from the Millennium trilogy playing a bad guy.

Plot isn't exactly the M:I series' strength, but I liked the ambiguity of the Rabbit's Foot MacGuffin in the third film. This was all too laid out from the beginning, with no real intrigue. Plus, Hendricks' motivation is fuzzy. There's a video of him giving a speech explaining that nuclear war would level the playing field for the human race, but it seems a hell of a step to go from pie-in-the-sky, philosophical musing to actually stealing nuclear codes. I found myself only really paying attention when the team travelled to a location I'd seen in the trailers, and therefore knowing some shit was about to go down. The film opens strongly with a prison breakout that manages to kick things off nicely. The Kremlin infiltration scene is very well done and reminded me why I liked this series in the first place. It's slicker than your average spy fest. There's a great bit involving Pegg, Cruise, a massive screen, a camera and an iPad to watch out for too.

Of the numerous money scenes, the clear stand out is Ethan's scaling of the Burj Kalifa tower in Dubai aka the tallest building in the world. This scene in particular is where the IMAX shone, with the bigger screen giving a real sense of scale to the scene and giving me a real sense of vertigo. It's one of 2011's best action sequences and amazingly tense. The film also scores some originality points for being the first film (to my knowledge) to have a scrap in one of those futuristic automated car parks.

As for my famous nit-picking, I only have one real complaint. This film might as well have been called iMission: Impossible. I haven't seen this many Apple logos since last September's Pretentious Wanker convention. The mucky fingerprints of Apple product placement are all over this one. Almost the full range of Apple products are on display, with the aforementioned iPad, everyone having iPhones (although Ethan can apparently answer a call on one without needing to touch the screen at all), Benji having a Macbook and the film even ending with Ethan plugging in his iPod. This isn't the worst offender for product placement by a long shot, but as I stared at the illuminated 6 foot logo on the back of Benji's laptop (massive screen remember), I caught myself wondering exactly how much money changed hands for it to be there, rather than how our loveable team of rogues were going to avert nuclear disaster.

"This message will self-destruct in 5 seconds."

Anyway, Ghost Protocol is a perfectly fine popcorn flick. It hasn't got as much heart as the third one, but it's got a fun team dynamic and some real standout action scenes. It's reinvigorated the franchise and if rumours are to be believed, Paramount are already fast-tracking a Mission: Impossible V. See it in IMAX if you can too. Oh, and since I've now finished this review, let me summarise it like I did the others:

Mission: Impossible- Ghost Protocol (2011) - Fun, if lacking a decent plot. Dubai sequence truly amazing. Needs funnier Pegg lines. Tom Cruise runs away from: an exploding Kremlin and a sandstorm.

Puss In Boots

It's that awkward week between Christmas and New Year where the holiday season isn't quite over yet, but the end is in sight. It's also a week where parents cart their wretched spawn off to the cinema to keep 'em sedated for a bit, and with today's hessian prices, it's cheaper than drowning them in a sack. Speaking of which- Puss in Boots!

Puss in Boots (2011)

After driving the Shrek films into the ground with the godawful Shrek the Third and the slightly less awful, but still shite Shrek Forever After, Dreamworks Animation decided they haven't squeezed enough out of the topsy-turvy fairytale idea and decided to do a full film based on one of the series' most popular characters. Like everyone else, I like Puss.What I didn't like was the idea of a decent supporting character, with his appeal on the wane anyway thanks to the aforementioned celluloid warcrimes, being made into just another boring cash-in vehicle. However, this film has proved one thing to me. If you put time and actual effort into even the laziest of ideas, it is possible to make it good. Also, if the reviews have taught me anything, it's that people are being paid to write cat puns so simplistic and shit that not even a Christmas cracker would have the audacity to include as a "joke".

"Fear me, if you dare!"

Puss in Boots is a prequel to the character's appearance in Shrek 2. We see the heroic Puss (voiced by Antonio Banderas) caught up in a plan, led by ex-childhood friend Humpty Dumpty (Zach Galifianakis) and the mysterious Kitty Softpaws (Salma Hayek), to steal some magic beans from the oafish, pig-raising married couple Jack and Jill (Billy Bob Thornton and Amy Sudaris). The story isn't exactly amazing, but it's a good enough framework to support the rest of the film. Antonio Banderas is genuinely funny as Puss and the rest of the voice work is of your standard Hollywood animation high quality.

So, like it or not, the focus in on Puss and thankfully his charm doesn't wear off. If you love cats (and since you're reading this on the Internet, statistically you fucking love them) there's a lot here for you. What I liked about the film though is the fact that they didn't solely rely on "LOL, he's a cat!!1" jokes. Yeah, he orders milk and chases spots of light, but they're few and far enough between to actually be endearing rather than annoying. Plus, if you don't at least "aww" a little bit when you see Puss as a kitten, you're made of stronger stuff than I. Part of me wanted to leap up from my seat and hug the screen, sobbing. However, fear of being vilified for such a bizarre act in a screen containing my mother, my grandmother and about 30 kids and their parents kept me firmly in place. Since Puss in Boots is from the Shrek canon, there are a couple of adult aimed jokes- the most obvious one being a guard itemising Puss' belongings and finding a vial of catnip, to which Puss sheepishly replies "It's for my glaucoma". Unusually for this type of film there are very few pop culture references, which is like a breath of fresh air.

I saw the film in eye-massaging 2D and nothing was lost. Like in Kung Fu Panda 2, I could tell it was made to appeal to glasses-wearing saps, due to the choice of camera angles during chase sequences, but it really doesn't matter how many bloody dimensions you see it in. The set-pieces are great, including a fantastic bit with a beanstalk and an exciting carriage chase with Jack and Jill. What I liked most though was the fact that the whole "blending of fairytales" seems somewhat fresher this time and the characters are well-rounded. The character of Humpty Dumpty for instance, is extremely well done (no pun intended). His arc is believable and yes, surprisingly moving too. That's right- I found myself sympathising with a cartoon egg. I'm prepared to accept the consequences of what that bold statement will bring.

"You are not as good as they say you are, Miss Softpaws. You're better."

I was surprised by how much Puss in Boots entertained me. Maybe it was the mental adjustment of expectations beforehand, but y'know what? It's fun. It's colourful, it's genuinely funny at times and it has a real charm that I wasn't expecting from a spin-off to a series that has already whored itself out for three sequels, a musical and countless other pieces of tie-in crap. Whilst I know in my heart that Dreamworks have franchise plans up the wazoo for Puss, it doesn't stop this film from being good. It's a fun family film that features lots of dancing cats. You know you want to see it.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

After avoiding the cinema for a while, only the promise of more Holmes fun could convince me to pay £2 for a small bottle of Coke. The game's afoot!

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011)

So yeah, after the highly enjoyable, if flawed first film I was pumped for the sequel. Especially since it transpired that Holmes' arch-nemesis, Moriarty, was going to appear. If you can't be arsed to read that easily clickable link I put in the first sentence, one of my main problems with 2009's instalment was the fact it had quite a generic villain in the form of Mark Strong's Lord Blackwood. Now we've got Professor Moriarty, evil genius and Holmes equal. Fuck yes.

"If we can stop him, we shall prevent the collapse of Western civilisation. No pressure."

So, after investigating seemingly unconnected murders and bombings, Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) believes mathematics genius Professor James Moriarty (Jared Harris) to be behind it all. He intercepts a note meant for gypsy girl Sim (Noomi Rapace) and with her in tow unfolds the true extent of Moriarty's diabolical plans. Meanwhile, Dr. John Watson (Jude Law) is still trying to get married to Mary (Kelly Reilly) despite Holmes' objections. Put simply, this is what the franchise needed. Whilst the story veers away from the occult theme of the first, we get a proper globe-trotting adventure this time round. RDJ and Law still have the chemistry that made their Holmes and Watson dynamic work so well back in 2009. I also liked the fact that Kelly Reilly got more to work with this time round. Of the newcomers, I found the idea of Stephen Fry as "Sherly"'s brother, Mycroft to be funnier than he actually is in the film. It's perfect casting- don't get me wrong and he is actually funny, it's just I could have done with seeing more of him (in terms of character, not nudity- there's plenty of that). The gorgeous Noomi Rapace, previously known for her role as Lisbeth Salander in the original Swedish version of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (and its sequels) is rather wasted here in the thankless role of Sim. No problem with her acting chops though and it was fantastic to see her in her first English speaking role. Predictably, the standout here is Jared Harris' Moriarty- a genius as evil as he is bearded. This is Batman/Joker territory here where the villain is as entertaining to watch as the hero is. He's fucking fantastic.

I must admit, I didn't like the opening bits of A Game of Shadows. Whilst the opening action scenes were great and it was good to see Rachel McAdams' Irene Adler again, when the bread-and-butter Holmes/Watson interplay started it struck me as a bit too forced and contrived. I often find this in sequels such as in the other Downey Jr. super-sequel, Iron Man 2. With that film, I felt that because the audience now expected certain behaviour from Tony Stark, it was written with that in mind, if that makes sense. What I'm saying is, I often find the "wackiness" factor is significantly upped in sequels, sometimes to the point where the fan-favourite character becomes a cartoon of themselves. Luckily (to get back on point) this ebbed away after a while and the banter fell back into familiar, funny form.

I was really impressed with the action beats. We still have the super-slo-mo Holmes fighting, but there are twists on the formula. It's certainly more action packed that its predecessor. All the action is awesome without exception. My personal favourites being a fantastic scrap with a would-be assassin and a forest sequence that truly amazed me. Also, the not-quite fight sequence between Holmes and Moriarty is incredible. It's powerful stuff, make no mistake. I'm genuinely finding it difficult remembering the last film I had so much fun watching.

As you've probably gathered, Moriarty is the boy. Every scene he and Holmes have is a battle of wits and one-upmanship. There's mutual respect which makes the scenes all the more interesting. There's a brilliant spoken game of chess (it'll make sense when you see it) that had me grinning like a buttcrack enthusiast at a builder's convention. Whilst simultaneously being on the edge of my seat. Thank Christ cinemas are dark. I can't even imagine how unsettling that would look to a bystander.

Serious spoilery stuff now, people. So skip to the end if you haven't seen it yet. (Invisotexted, highlight to read). I was quite disappointed by Irene Adler not lasting that long. I know it's so we see how callous and evil Moriarty is, but I wanted her to stick around for a bit. As for the chess/waterfall bit. Fucking hell. Having only a passing knowledge of Holmes, as soon as I saw there was a waterfall, I guessed this might be the actual end. It isn't but I almost wish it was.  Since it looked like that's where the film was going, I was all ready to applaud the film. No, I didn't want Holmes dead, but it would have been a completely unforgettable ending. I would love a sequel to this, but I'm always in favour of leaving people wanting more. From that point of view, I felt the ending was a slight cop-out. So, I still feel torn about it. 

"Your clock is ticking."

So yeah. I had a blast with Game of Shadows. It's louder and more confident than the first and finally pits Holmes against a worthy adversary who almost steals the show entirely. If you liked the first, you're in safe hands. Even if you didn't like the first, you may be surprised by this one. Highly recommended.

Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi

Yup, I finally get to remove this Star Wars shaped monkey off my back and finish the saga. As Vader himself once said in A New Hope : "The circle is now complete. Now fuckin' die you bearded tosser."

Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983) 

I've got a proper love/hate thing going on with Jedi. One the one hand, it has some of the trilogy's best scenes, on the other it's clear that this was where things started to become less focused on telling a kick-arse story and more on how many new merchandising opportunities could be introduced. It's also the film that's suffered the worst additions, be they from the Special Edition or the recent Blu-ray tinkerings.

"I see you have constructed a new lightsaber. Your skills are complete. Indeed you are powerful as the Emperor has foreseen."

Anyway, Han Solo (Harrison Ford) is still frozen. Luke (Mark Hamill) is still not a Jedi and Leia (Carrie Fisher) has gone to rescue Han from the clutches of gangster slug-thing Jabba the Hutt (Susan Boyle). Meanwhile, the Empire are in the process of building a new Death Star and the Rebels led by Solo and Lando (Billy Dee Williams) plan to attack before their weapons are functional. The story's a decent end to the Star Wars trilogy, it's just a shame it had to involve Ewoks.

So, where to begin? Well, the first hour of Jedi rocks the shit. We go from Jabba's Palace to an old school monster smackdown with a Rancor and then we're whisked off on Jabba's sail barge to a sequence taking place in the desert over the Pit of Sarlaac- a fantastic creature that eats men whole and digests them slowly over 1000 years. From there we've got Luke saying his goodbyes to Yoda, the great speeder bike chase through the forest of Endor and then...we hit a brick wall in the form of Wicket W. Warrick (Warrick Davies) a cuddly space teddy bear. Nothing against Davies at all, but the Ewoks are shit. Yeah, it's predictable that I was going to pick on the Ewoks, but they stop me enjoying the film. Despite the baffling Blu add-ons and the crusty anus of a musical number "Jedi Rocks" (which reported cost Lucas a cool $1 million to add to the film back in '97), it's classic Star Wars. It's clear the Ewoks were added to appeal solely to kids. Lucas knew the sweet dollars were from gullible parents who would buy their screaming sprogs any old bit of fuzz to shut them up. This is when Lucas turned. He's more cash machine now than man.

The Blu-ray changes here are unforgivable. It's like a middle finger from Lucas that we had to pay for the privilege to receive. When I heard the rumours of the Blu-ray changes, I dismissed them as a joke. After all the addition of "blinking Ewoks" and "a larger door to Jabba's Palace" sounded like just the sort of thing Lucas was infamous for, but just out there enough to be unrealistic. However, it was all true. All of it. Even the shit that didn't make sense and just raises further questions. That door for instance- wouldn't have noticed it before. Now the perspective's fucked and it looks as fake as hell. Why is he doing this to us?

The worst change though is in the climactic scene with Vader, Luke and the Emperor. Palpatine is frying Luke with Force lightning and Luke tries to appeal to his father beneath the machinery.Vader looks from his dying son to the Emperor, who has a look of pure hatred on his face. We sense the conflict in Vader, despite his face being covered. Suddenly, Vader picks up the Emperor and heaves him over a railing to his doom, redeeming himself and saving his son in the process. It was one of my all time favourite Star Wars moments. I hate to sound like a whinging fanboy here, but Lucas ruined it for me. For some fucking bananas reason he decides to echo one of Vader's lowest points (excluding this debacle) and having him shout "Noo!" a bunch of times. This is proof to me that either Lucas doesn't understand his own creation or he hates his fans. I'm not sure which one is worse.

I didn't want to finish my Jedi review on a sour note though. The film is mostly great. It's the weakest of the three, but still a lot of fun. As I said, it contains some of my favourite trilogy scenes. The speeder bike chase is great, the all out space battle is awesome too. My favourite of all though is Luke's showdown with Vader. It's pitch perfect and Luke's slow realisation that the Emperor is turning him into a Vader replacement is so fantastic I'm genuinely having to fight the urge to stop typing these words, stick the film on and skip to that bit.

"And now, young Skywalker... you will die."

 Star Wars has meant and still means a considerable amount to me. As a kid, it opened my mind to fantastical planets, aliens and adventure, as well as inspiring me to strive to be as heroic as Luke is. As an adult, it shows me that great films can remain so, despite outdated effects and corny ideals. As a fan, I've learned that I'm done with George Lucas, who continually disappoints all but his completely feckless fans by trying his best to sully what little good there is left in the Star Wars name. The film's still good despite the inherent Ewok problems and the added nonsense, I just wish it was left alone for me to enjoy.

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

2011's pretty much over and I've still got shit to write. Better get some actual work done. Let's get this whole Star Wars thing knocked on the head, shall we?

Star Wars : Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

 A New Hope is good (well, fantastic actually), but of the "proper" Star Wars flicks, Empire is my favourite. Why? Well, ignoring the deeper story and numerous feckin' terrific scenes, it all boils down to the fact that The Empire Strikes Back does everything a sequel should. It takes the well-established characters of the source material and expands on not only them, but the universe they inhabit. Most sequels can manage only one of these two elements, but what truly makes a sequel special in my book is doing both those things in a way that seems organic to the original. I'll come back to that in a minute, once I've typed out a pointless plot summary.

"The Force is with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet."

So, after blowing seven shades of intergalactic shit out of the Death Star at the end of A New Hope, Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) has become a bone-fide rebel hero and has been made Lieutenant Commander for his troubles. However, after getting a visit from the ghostly Obi-Wan (Alec Guinness) Luke travels to the swamp planet of Dagobah to meet with a Master Yoda and continue his Jedi training. Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) end up travelling to a city in the clouds, Bespin, to meet with Han's old friend Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams). All the while, the presumably very dizzy Darth Vader has become obsessed with finding Skywalker and the possibility of turning the young Jedi to the Dark Side. The plot is darker and more complex than A New Hope's and it works well. It's hard to imagine the "big twist" being a surprise, but it's still a rightfully classic moment. The actors are all great and major new addition Billy Dee Williams adds some effortless and much needed cool to the Star Wars universe.

As an example of what the hell I was talking about in the first paragraph, I'm going to (some would say unfairly) compare Empire with the second Pirates of the Caribbean film, Dead Man's Chest. Both films were made to capitalise on a surprise hit film, both go for a "darker" tone than the first one and both have a soppy lead character and a much more entertaining cooler-than-thou character in tow. Now, was it just me, or did the Captain Jack in Dead Man's Chest seem like a pale photocopy of his full strength Curse of the Black Pearl form? Well, no, it isn't just me. I know that. I just wrote that so you as the reader feel there's a semi-interactive element to all this dogmatic opinion-yelling. He is a pale photocopy of himself. It isn't up for debate. It's what happens when writers actively try and make a character act like themselves rather than focusing on what makes sense for the character. Han Solo is the antithesis of all this. After becoming BFF's with Luke in the first film and helping him destroy the Death Star, this Solo really feels like the same Han we grew to know in A New Hope but with some of the corners sanded slightly. Most of this is due to his burgeoning relationship with Leia. This love story is handled extremely well and is not contrived in the slightest. It feels real. She resists him for a long time, he can't put aside his alpha male swaggering to tell her how he feels and the pair share a stolen kiss in the Millennium Falcon. It's so much better than the standard movie hookups we're still expected to buy into these days. He chucks acid into the head honcho's face, saves the day and then she decides that yeah, he's worth a tumble in the hay and then they kiss, credits roll and I fashion a shiv out of what I found down the back of the sofa and stab myself in the thigh.

Empire arguably set the precedent for having a "darker" sequel. It certainly ends on a rather sombre note, with Han frozen and Luke's wanking plans thrown all out of whack thanks to his new robotic hand. It also has one of my favourite scenes ever, where Luke faces off against Vader for the first time, culminating in that scene. I'm also pleased that the Yoda training sequences hold up, despite my cynicism and ability to spot puppets having increased tenfold since childhood. I'll tell you the one thing that blew my mind more than the Vader father thing when I originally saw it- the fact that the Jedi Master Yoda is a short, old green thing with big ears (his species has never been named and even the mighty Google can only hazard a guess). This revelation spoke volumes to me about the ways of the Jedi and the mysticism of the Force. As Yoda himself said: "Size matters not", something which my really-small-for-my-age child self took to heart. This is part of the reason why the whole midichlorian bullshit in Phantom Menace is so fucking infuriating.

What I really like about Empire is that it really delivers on the "war" part of Star Wars. A New Hope can act as a stand-alone experience. The Empire gets their collective arses handed to them and despite Darth Vader conveniently not dying, the story's all done and dusted. Empire smartly decides to just have the destruction of the Death Star as a minor setback and shows you the extent of the Empire's reach. Christ, the Rebel Alliance can't even go on a short skiing trip without some fucking huge plodding machines showing up. I love the design of the AT-ATs too. They are truly iconic creations and one of the first things I think of when I hear the words "Star Wars" and filter through the top level of seething hate for recent Star Wars films and changes. Oh yeah, this is kind of a Blu-ray review as well, isn't it? Well luckily, they didn't change too much in Empire. Certain effects have been altered or modified, but nothing that dragged me out of the film kicking and screaming. The most heinous changes are in Return of the Jedi, but we'll get to that soon, dearies.

 

"Do or do not, there is no try."

So, The Empire Strikes Back is amazing. I could type reams about certain scenes and why the whole thing meant and still means so much to me. I've typed enough now. Bye bye.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1

Shut up. My reviews of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi are incoming. I'd finished my Empire one and booted it up to find I'd lost about half of it. Instead of trying vainly to recreate my genius, I thought I'd better type down my thoughts on the newest Twilight and then fill in my Empire review with all-new genius.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)

 

I would say that I've been quite fair to the Twilight films. Critics have been sharpening their claws since the first one came out and savaging it gives them a big ol' smug grin on their faces and a small ol' bulge in their corduroy trousers. That's not to say the films haven't been deserving of a critical mauling, I just don't like the notion that someone is actually proud of coming up with shit puns like "Breaking Yawn".

 "No measure of time with you will be long enough. But we'll start with forever."

Breaking Dawn starts with what most Twihards have been waiting for- the long-hyped marriage of Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson). After the wedding and inevitable wedding night, Bella discovers she's pregnant. Trouble is, no-one knows what with as a human/vampire hybrid has not been encountered before. Things get worse when the unborn whatever starts physically hurting Bella and pretty soon, becoming a real threat on her life. Also Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) is in this film. Breaking Dawn's story is actually batshit insane, but at least it does more than the treading water that Eclipse did. All three leads are the best they've ever been, but still fall short of, y'know, acting. The dialogue is better too, but they are still guffaws to be had at some of the straight-faced mentalism on display. This is encapsulated when Bella, who has been walking around her own wedding barely cracking a smile, says to Edward: "Why can't you see how perfectly happy I am?". Cue big giggles from the audience.

It's odd then, that a film series known for awful dialogue, unintentional campness, wooden performances and enthusiasm for naked male torsos is tackling such a prickly issue such as abortion. There are entire sites dedicated to author Stephenie Meyer's hidden Mormon agenda and the general lack of feminism in the books and films, but personally Breaking Dawn has been the only film that I feel was trying to make a serious point. It doesn't succeed and as a result, shows how fucking shallow the films are, but I felt this film was actively trying to well, brainwash, for lack of a better word, its captive teen female audience. It left me with a rather nasty taste in my mouth. I don't think I'm reading too much into this either. The film ain't subtle at the best of times. Also, for a film supposedly all about romance, I've never encountered something so loveless. The Bella/Edward love story has never convinced, but by Christ is this frigid. Our power couple finally consummate their "love", but it's not the passionate roll in the hay that has been built up for three films. We don't see anything. Just lots of kissing. I wasn't expecting full penetrative vampire sex in a 12A, but considering what they got away with later in the film, it is surprising. Instead we cut to a scene that wouldn't look out of place in an Austin Powers film- their four poster bed destroyed and feathers fluttering down. Vamp boy got some skills, apparently. However, after seeing some bruises on Bella, Edward doesn't want to touch his new bride again and the couple instead have sweaty, passionate games of chess instead. It's all very disquieting. Also explain to me how a guy with no blood can get it up.

But fear not, those unintentional guffaws are still present. Not a minute in we have Jacob receiving his wedding invitation, ripping off his shirt and flouncing off into the forest. There's also what will soon be referred to as the "talking wolves" scene which is downright terrible. The special effects are still shite, with the wolves still crappily done and Edward's whooshing about not being any more convincing that the low-fi effects in the first film. These films are massive now and the budget for this one was $110 million. Why the fuck can't they afford decent effects? Sure, special effects do not a good film make, but when the characters, story and dialogue makes you want to shit yourself in protest, the effects seem all the more important. Some of this is damn embarrassing.

Breaking Dawn does manage to do a couple of things right. These are spoilers for anyone silly enough to ignore my warnings, so just skip to the end if you don't want to find out what happens. The pregnancy is well handled. It's creepy as shit watching Bella get more and more emaciated and her belly gets gradually more swollen and bruised. The birth scene is surprisingly disturbing too, especially for a "tween" film. As usual I thought Jacob was the only likeable character and my dislike for Bella grows with each film as she treats him so poorly. The "imprint" scene is nice though. The film is well shot too, with some really nice cinematography. However, these fleeting positives don't make up for the shitty film. It's like giving your dead grandmother a makeover. You can slap as much lipstick and blusher as you like on the poor cow, it's never going to disguise the rotten core.

"It's crushing you, from the inside out."

I agree with bequiffed critic Mark Kermode, who stated that critics in general are softer on movies (like the Star Wars films) embraced by fanboys than they are with movies embraced by fangirls. Despite being a massive fanboy, I'm not afraid to like the Twilight films. I enjoyed New Moon and wouldn't have to be held at gunpoint to see it again. I can't shake the feeling that the films have stopped trying. They pointlessly split the last book into two films because Summit Entertainment decided they liked money a hell of a lot more than brevity. It's been an interesting experiment, but thank God it's almost over.

Contagion

A dose of the fairly new before I metaphorically slap you back to the '80s with my review of ONE OF THE GREATEST FILMS EVER MADE. Here's my review of a film that will undoubtedly be at the forefront of my mind next time I feel a bit under the weather.

Contagion (2011)

With all the scaremongering that modern news networks do, it's a safe bet that there's going to be another health scare pretty soon. Health scares invoke that special kind of fear because they are an invisible, inhuman threat. That serial killer on the loose? Scary, but you can attribute human qualities to him, he's got a name and a human face (plus several more in his rucksack). It's the same when you look at other types of monsters, like the greedy bankers that plunged the world into a spiral of debt and despair. They've got faces, if only to frame their smug, unapologetic, shit-eating grins. What I'm getting at is that personally, I find the threat of a global pandemic to be terrifying and way more frightening that bloody ghosts (hello, Paranormal Activity), killers (erm, Scream 4, I guess) or any other such shite. Real life is scarier than fiction and a lot of effort has gone into making this film as realistic as possible.

"It's a bad day to be a Rhesus monkey."

So, the story of Contagion is a simple one. There's a killer virus, called MEV-1, affecting the entire world and people are dropping like flies. We see how different countries, organisations and people deal with the global crisis, including everyone from the eye of the storm in the Center (sic) for Disease Control aka the CDC, run by Dr. Cheever (Laurence Fishburne) down to suburban family man Mitch Emhoff (Matt Damon) who's just trying to protect his daughter. Any plot summary of Contagion makes it sound a bit schlocky and not dissimilar to the rubbish 1995 film Outbreak, which starred Dustin Hoffman and Marcel, Ross' monkey in Friends. It's much better than that claptrap, however. I really liked how it presented a (probably) realistic version of how society would fall apart in the wake of massive fatality rates and widespread panic. There are a lot of famous names in this and all do a good job with the possible exception of Jude Law, who seems to be doing an awful (apparently Aussie) accent and wearing a comedy set of crooked teeth. Jude Law's usually the worst thing in anything he's in anyway, so no worries.

It's tough to discuss Contagion without spoiling some things. I'll do my best to dance around what I consider to be the worst spoilers, but if you want to go into Contagion without any prior knowledge whatsoever, close this review and go and do your taxes or something. For the rest of you dangerous, sexy people, I will say Contagion can be pretty damn disturbing. There's one scene where a character is being autopsied, which will stick with me for a while. Again, without specific spoilers, let's just say it's nice to see a film where the names on the poster don't necessarily dictate who will be left standing at the end. Despite not liking the fact that Jude Law is in it, I thought his character, Alan Krumwiede, was a interesting one. He's a freelance blogger who picks up on the story before the major news networks do and as a result gets a lot of people visiting his site and hanging on his every word. His lack of journalistic morality coupled with his massive audience really confuse the public and make things ten times worse.  The only substory I felt fell a little flat was Dr. Orantes' (Marion Cotilliard). It was okay, but I felt it didn't really add anything to the story as a whole. It was almost like they couldn't believe they managed to snag Cotilliard, realised the part was a little too skimpy for an Oscar winner and so went back to the script and hastily added some "emotional" things to react to.

Right, I'm going to talk about the ending, so if you haven't seen the film yet, skip on down to the awesome concluding paragraph. The ending has been a pretty controversial one. Many critics felt it was a misstep after a very slick and well put-together film. I thought it was great. It's clever, thought-provoking and outlined the terrifyingly random sequence of events that could produce the next bubonic plague. Whilst a bit saccharine, I also liked the conclusion to Emhoff's ordeal and found myself with a lump in my throat.

"Blogging is not writing. It's just graffiti with punctuation."

So yeah. Contagion isn't a fun watch. It's a slow, meticulous, bleak film containing some famous faces doing what they do best. It's certainly one of the most interesting films I've seen for a while. I'd also like to take this opportunity to say what a clever title Contagion is, as both senses are on display here. It's an intelligent take on the Outbreak formula and that very fact alone makes it worth seeing. It's grim, but also fuckin' sick (in all senses of the word).

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

With this review, I'm two thirds of the way home. It occurred to me that I (and probably many others like me) have not seen the original cut of any of the original trilogy. Lucas and his team of spineless, submissive boffins have been tinkering with the films practically since they were released. So, I'm reviewing the versions on the recently released Blu-ray boxset. As with nearly all of these changes, they stick out like a housebrick in your morning cornflakes, so I'll set aside a paragraph to comment on any changes that improve, or more likely, denigrate the film. Anyway, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (1977)

It has been scientifically proven that one cannot say anything new about Star Wars. It's got to the point where even commenting on the fact that you can't say anything new about Star Wars is passé. It had a huge impact on science fiction, blockbusters and special effects, the tremors of which can still be felt today. It's very difficult to review Star Wars with fresh eyes. This trilogy was an intrinsic part of my childhood, probably the first films I loved and re-watched over and over again. Fret not though. This shall not be a chin-stroking retrospective nor an awkward, indulgent fanwank. This is just what I think.

"Your father's lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster; an elegant weapon for a more civilized age."

Simple farmboy Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) is trapped working for his aunt and uncle on the desert planet of Tatooine. However, this changes when he comes into possession of two robots, named R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) and C3PO (Anthony Daniels), who lead him to a mysterious old man named Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness). Along the way, Luke and Obi-Wan encounter roguish smuggler Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and his right-hand Wookiee, Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew). The group end up going on an adventure to save a princess (Carrie Fisher) from the clutches of the evil Empire and their intimidating employee, Darth Vader. The story is as classic as they come. Typing that synopsis made me realise that it actually sounds a bit lame, but in practice it's cinematic gold. The actors are all fine, but Harrison Ford is the standout. This is a star-making turn and you can see why the guy is still working in Hollywood today. The dialogue at times is shoddy as fuck, with Lucas famously being told by Ford: "George, you can type this shit,  but you sure as hell can't say it!"

A New Hope blends so many elements together it's a wonder it works at all. The film shares DNA with a vast array of things, from old samurai movies and World War II dogfights to Saturday morning serials like Flash Gordon. To me, the backbone that holds all these elements together is the strong characterisation. You actually care for these characters. You empathise with Luke, being stuck on his rock of a home planet when his friends have moved on. The film is brave enough to have you dislike certain characters initially. Hell, I don't particularly like Luke in this film, at least for the first half. He's a bit of a whiny ponce with a silly haircut. Luckily, he does become likeable. Even fan-favourite Han Solo comes across as a bit of a douche the first time we meet him. We see he's got a dark side to him when he shoots the bounty hunter Greedo in the Cantina.

Speaking of which, those changes. I don't know why Lucas is doing this. Some of the computer tinkering is to fix stuff you wouldn't even notice was there. For instance, some time ago, Lucas actually paid someone or a team of someones to CGI the Death Star crews badges onto the correct side of their uniforms. Some of the most out of place stuff though is in Mos Eisley, where added CGI creatures are pasted into the frame. There's even an awkward non-comedy bit with two robots that is so fucking unnecessary, it hurts my brain. There's even added nonsense in the Blu-ray release where some rocks have been CGI'd in front of R2 when he's hiding in the canyon. Check out the original here, and the new version here. Who is that bothered by rocks? It doesn't make any sense. I can understand updating certain effects (sort of) but this needless altering is incomprehensible. Especially considering the fact that all this stuff drags me out of the film.

The funny thing about Star Wars is that its so ingrained in our collective memories, we have sort of forgotten it is a slightly hokey '70s sci-fi that has had its formula imitated, expanded upon and bettered by films since. After a lengthy discussion with one of my friends about Star Wars, we concluded if we ever had kids (not together, that'd be weird) we'd make sure they saw the original Star Wars trilogy first, before something like the Lord of the Rings films. Kids just wouldn't be as blown away with lightsabers and the Death Star exploding if they'd seen the epic battle of Helm's Deep or a fully-fledged CGI character like Gollum. However, there are some things about Star Wars that will always have an impact like the classic story, the characters and the amazing John Williams score. I still get chills during the final Death Star assault when Luke hears Obi-Wan's voice, the Force theme swells and he switches off his targeting computer.

"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope."

Practically every frame of A New Hope is iconic. It's unfortunate that practically every comedy TV show or film still feels the need to reference it to this day. However, all the shite Big Bang Theory jokes in the world cannot dull the original brilliance of the first Star Wars film. It's the rarest of things to me- a childhood favourite that still holds up now. It's a fantastic film, I just hope that in a decades' time when we all have on demand films projected onto the inside of our eyelids, Lucas won't have replaced Han Solo with a Gungan or decided that the Cantina scene needed another musical number.

I have to give it my rarely seen rating of the yellow five stars i.e. a personal favourite to which giving the normal red five stars seemed like an insult.

In Time

I know. A New Hope is next. Just need a bit more time to type down some points about it that aren't utterly trite. Anyway, I've actually managed to see a brand spanking new film, rather than a two-week old, everyone-who-was-going-to-see-it-already-has one.

In Time (2011)

 

I hate to say it, but In Time actually does seem rather timely. For a film about holding up a mirror to the gulf between rich and poor to be released whilst the #OccupyWallStreet movement is still going on is a stroke of luck that the filmmakers couldn't have possibly have planned for. Having said that if they did plan it and all this 99% stuff turns out to be an elaborate viral marketing stunt for In Time, my faith in humanity will sink to an all-time low.

"You can't hide 100 years in the ghetto."

It's sometime in the future and everyone stops ageing at 25. However, people are born with digital timers in their forearms that counts down their lives. Time really is money, so people like blue collar workin' man Will Salas (Justin Timberlake) have to graft hard to get another few days on the clock and have the privilege of living for that little bit longer. When Will is gifted over a century by a suicidal man, he endeavours not to waste the man's time and change his destiny. The concept here is awesome. Not only is it a fantastically easy and effective way to create tension, but it also make a valid, if heavy-handed, point about the class divides. I've read a lot of criticism about Justin Timberlake, but I thought he was solid as the lead. I don't have a problem with the guy. I think he was good in The Social Network and he's decent here. I can't help but feel it might be his N*Sync roots that people may be objecting to. Amanda Seyfried was okay, but didn't impress me nearly as much as she did in Chloe. I thought Cillian Murphy was wasted as Timekeeper Raymond Leon. The guy's a fantastic presence, but was rather ineffectual here, the problems just coming down to lazy characterisation. Alex Pettyfer makes a surprise appearance as a scumbag thief, but doesn't really do anything more than add some variety to his acting C.V.

So yeah, that concept. It's a terrifying thought to have to run down to your last hour or two just to pay the gas bill. It's chilling that "timing out" is so common that people are just used to seeing corpses lying in the street. There's one genuinely affecting scene where Will and Sylvia talk about feeling the timer start when they turned 25. It's really interesting to see that fast pace that people in the ghetto move compared to the lax, luxurious pace the rich and powerful do. It's certainly effective in making you wish for some kind of fiery retribution on the 1% who have centuries to play with. The time as currency idea does lead to infrequent confusing lines of dialogue however, such as when a prostitute propositions Leon: "I'll give you ten minutes for an hour."

The film is written and directed by Andrew Niccol, who some of you may know as the writer (and occasional director) of films like Gattaca, The Truman Show and Lord of War. Now, apart from the Niccol connection, what else do these films have in common? Yep, they're as subtle as a tiger in a hen house. They all have DAMN SERIOUS MESSAGES to convey, but are always in-your-face and border on the preachy. That's not to say that the messages aren't important- in fact I wish more films would talk about overpopulation and the like, I'm just saying that sometimes I feel he'd be happier doing angry PowerPoint presentations instead of making populist entertainment.

The film is good 'n angry for the first half,  but then slowly starts to unravel before coming to a shuddering, uninspired end (much like my style of lovemaking*). It goes for a rather overdone Bonnie and Clyde/Robin Hood strand that doesn't particularly work. I actually felt my heart sink a bit when they first decided to rob a "time bank". I'd been really enjoying it up until that point and to go for the "rob from the rich" angle seemed a real step down. Also, the fact that you can steal someone's time just by gripping their wrist is ridiculous. They have the technology to implant accurate LED timers into someone's arm, but there's no safeguard? Not even something as high-tech as a fucking bracelet? Weird. Apparently, you can rob a bank simply by driving a massive truck into it. Good to know.

"You put enough time in the wrong hands, you upset the system."

In Time is pretty good. The concept is great and the points the film is so eager to hammer home couldn't be more relevant if it tried. It's a shame that the film's wheels start to fall off once the pair decide to embark on a life of crime. Handled well, this could have been the perfect, angsty, cinematic time capsule for the right now. As it stands, it's a slightly better than average movie with some great ideas and wasted potential.

*I know I've made this hee-larious joke before, but I couldn't resist making it again. If it helps, think of it as an homage to my now fuckin' classic Drive review.

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn

Since revisiting and analysing the Star Wars prequels genuinely annoyed me, I needed a break from the old and crap. Thankfully, I ended up seeing the new CGI Tintin film and breathed a sigh of relief big enough to extinguish all those recently re-lit rage fires. Whilst you ponder on that awkwardly worded metaphor, I'll get on with the reviewin'

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn (2011)

 

Tintin could have been very bad. The geniuses among you will be able to extrapolate from that that my opinion is of the opposite, but hear me the fuck out. Anyway, it could have been bad. It's a big budget adaptation of the world renowned and universally acclaimed Tintin comics that could have easily skimped on the series' inherent style, humour and charm (although some would argue it has). Plus, it's motion-captured animation- the same art style that brought us the fucking creepy, uncanny valley dwelling avatars in films like The Polar Express. It could have been just another feature-length cash-in on a name with brand awareness already, saving the studio millions on advertising and having the bonus of having an already established fanbase. Luckily, it isn't any of those things. It's fuppin' brilliant.

"If Sakharine gets to that ship before us, it's over!"

After purchasing a much sought-after model of a ship, bequiffed reporter Tintin (Jamie Bell) and his faithful dog Snowy are unwittingly sent off on a treasure hunting adventure, meeting drunkard, down-and-out Captain Haddock (Andy Serkis) along the way. From what I can gather, the film is an amalgamation of three of the Tintin stories: The Crab with the Golden Claws, The Secret of the Unicorn and Red Rackham's Treasure. I think it works well. It's a sprawling, old-fashioned adventure film with a great sense of fun about it. The animation is superb and thankfully dodges the disturbing factor that mo-cap animation had been previously infamous for. It strikes the right balance between cartoony and realistic. The voice/motion cast are terrific. Jamie Bell was really good as the earnest Tintin and Andy Serkis (now the fucking emperor of motion capture work) is amazing as Captain Haddock. I liked Daniel Craig as Sakharine and thought having Simon Pegg and Nick Frost as the bumbling Thomson and Thompson was a masterstroke.

The film starts off impressively with a Catch Me If You Can style animated intro that really gets you into the spirit of things. It's nice to hear a John Williams score but it just seems like Williams is working from a hastily scribbled note from Spielbeard saying "European and whimsical". Anyway, the main body of the film is great. It's a real globe-trotting adventure with Indiana Jones undertones (I was going to say Indiana underJones, but was concerned I may get half an email condemning me for drinking and reviewing). It's a family friendly affair, but it thankfully doesn't shy away from guns and a bit of violence. I would say the film actually retains the true spirit of the original Hergé stories, but takes some liberties of its own. The main one being the wise decision to not have Snowy talk. However, being mute does not mean Snowy is inexpressive. He steals most of the scenes he's in, be it dragging a huge bone he somehow found in the Sahara desert whilst Haddock is sobering up to interacting with a playful guard dog. Snowy feels like an essential part of the heroic team. The action set-pieces are all fantastic. The standout for me was the Morocco chase which was insanely entertaining.

A couple of things stopped the film short of true greatness for me. One was the constant pratfalling of Captain Haddock, which was fine up to a point, but it is a real bugbear of mine- even in "family" films. Still, the kids in the cinema found it funny, so maybe I'm just a miserable bastard. The fact it was in 3D was a shame too. My eyes ached at the start but eventually settled down. Most of the time, I forgot I was wearing the stupid specs, which seems to be the mark of good 3D and typifies what a waste of fucking time the whole thing is. The film went on for slightly too long and I wasn't a huge fan of the climactic crane fight. I get what they were trying to do, but I wasn't as involved as I had been with the previous set-pieces.

"How's your thirst for adventure, Captain?"

The Adventure of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn to give it its full, rather awkward title, is very good. The animation is amazing, the characters are great and it's a lot of old-fashioned, Boy's Own fun. I found it all to be quite charming, which is a rarity. I want a sequel yesterday Mr Jackson and Spielberg, get on it!

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

Once again I return to the three films that made "prequel" a dirty word. I must say, it is genuinely a relief to get them done. However, it's a very characteristic short-lived victory as I'm already seeing the problems ahead of reviewing not only some personal childhood staples, but films that have been torn apart, analysed from all possible angles and discussed for decades. It's going to be tougher than I initially thought. I have a bad feeling about this.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

After being twice bitten and disregarding the sensible shyness that should have kicked in after The Phantom Menace, people still flocked to see Revenge of the Sith. The film had a lot to answer for, having to convince people that the prequels weren't a waste of time and money, but also had to neatly tie this new trilogy in with the original trilogy. We (and by we I mean Star Wars nerds) knew that this film was the one where Anakin turned to the Dark Side and become everyone's favourite asthmatic Sith lord. We'd seen some pretty shitty preceding nonsense, but this was the pay off. We'd seen Anakin lose his mother, get all up in some sandpeople's business and now here was the birth of pop culture's most iconic characters. And LUCAS FUCKED IT UP.

"I'm going there to end this war. Wait for me until I return. Things will be different, I promise. Please wait for me."

God, I can't be arsed to type a synopsis. Summat about war. All the actor comments in my previous reviews still ring true anyway. Now, Revenge of the Sith is not nearly as bad as Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones. It has some good moments, but once again, there are too many baffling missteps to elevate the overall quality. The film goes for a "dark" tone. Certainly, there's a lot more death and despair in this one, which beats cheering children and hooting Gungan bellends any day. It's poorly done though, with the crucial lack of characterisation evident when you suddenly realise you don't give a shit. Tragedy only works if you care for the characters. Even though Lucas had two films to chart the fall of Skywalker it still feels rushed. Anakin bends to Palpatine's will laughably quickly after Palpy vaguely implies that he could save people from dying.

Revenge of the Sith is frustrating. I do actually like it and its my most re-watched of the prequels, but it's a like that comes with many different caveats and qualifiers. Tonally it's all over the place. For instance, in the opening scene, we go from Anakin slicing off Dooku's hands and decapitating him, to R2 dicking about with security droids. It's really odd. The film also flits from boring dialogue to impressive special effects driven action.  The dialogue, whilst tedious and functional, for the most part is better this time, with the exception of one scene which made me want to curl up and cringe myself to death. Here are les mots diabolique:

Anakin: You are so beautiful.

Padme: It's only because I'm so in love.

Anakin: No. It's because I'm so in love with you.

Padme: So love has blinded you?

Anakin: That's not exactly what I meant.

Padme: But it's probably true.

The delivery makes it even worse. Plus, the weird lighting and make-up on Padmé in this bit makes Natalie Portman, a usually fucking gorgeous woman, look like this. I normally wouldn't mind, but the dialogue draws specific attention to it. Also there's the aformentioned birth of Vader fuck-up. You know the scene. You know how it makes you feel.

As for the good things, I like the set-pieces. Having said that, I'm not a fan of the overlong final fight between Anakin and Obi-Wan. It tries to be too epic and falls flat. Duel of the Fates in Phantom Menace had the right balance. In Sith, it just drags after a while and as a result does the unthinkable-  it makes lightsaber combat boring. I like the scenes where Anakin is Vader in all but the suit. Marching through the Jedi temple with an army of clone troopers behind is undeniably cool. Plus, there's a fucking dark scene where one of the worst child actors in the world says: "Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What are we going to do?" and is answered by the harsh ignition of Vader's lightsaber. It's nasty, but at least it had some bite to it, unlike the majority of scenes in the prequels. I'm not saying more child murder would have improved the films (and that's certainly not a notion I want quoted out of context) I'm just saying that at least the scene elicits a reaction from me.

"Twisted by the Dark Side, young Skywalker has become. The boy you trained, gone he is."

So, yeah. Revenge of the Sith is the best of the prequels, but still not a very good film. As I said in my Phantom Menace review, the real tragedy is the missed opportunity here. These could have been great films. I'm inclined to blame Lucas for the most part, surrounding himself with yes men and not employing anyone with balls enough to tell him Jar Jar was fucking stupid and to go and have a shave. There will always be the original films, but that's not the point. What could have been will always be the worse part. George Lucas didn't "rape my childhood", as some of the more melodramatic fans have said, but he definitely made the Star Wars universe glow a little less brightly for me.

Real Steel

Sorry, sorry. Meant to review this a week ago, but laziness and Arkham City got in the way. New review though. Be grateful.

Real Steel (2011)

Hugh Jackman in a film about boxing robots. On its own, that sentence is a pitch for a film that nobody this side of asylum walls would go and see. Being the cool and dangerous internet vigilante that I am, I'm here to tell you that Real Steel is better than the laughable concept and why you should check it out providing you have a) a childlike mind capable of not processing family films through a filter of hate, bile and cynicism or b) not seen Rocky for a while and wondered what it would be like crossed with Transformers.

"His name is Atom. Get him a fight."

The film is set in 2020 where robot boxing is king. It tells the story of ex-boxer and failing fight promoter Charlie Kenton (Hugh Jackman), who suddenly finds himself lumbered with his estranged son Max (Dakota Goya) and struggling to pay the bills. He owes a lot of people money, the least dangerous of which is his long suffering friend/boss/love interest Bailey (Evangeline Lilly). However, when father and son salvage a scrapped sparring bot by the name of Atom, the pair decide to train Atom in an effort to ease Charlie's financial troubles and as a result, start growing closer together. I normally hate those poster whores who write things like the above "Rocky...crossed with Transformers" line just for a spot on the DVD cover. Thing is, that description is almost totally accurate. It is Rocky with robots i.e. an underdog from the streets gets a shot at the big time. Fair enough, that seems to be the plot for every boxing movie, but the Stallone parallels are strong. Jack Human is fine, playing the role that he normally does when he's not got adamantium claws. Surprisingly, the lead kid, Dakota Goya (seen only briefly as the young Thor in... well, Thor) didn't annoy me. Yes, he had the same smart-arse precocious kid lines that adults insist on writing for children, but he was pretty damn good. It was nice to see Evangeline Lilly outside of anticlimactic television shows too. She's alright here. 'Nuff said.

I know when what I'm watching a good family film when I wish I was 10 again so I could have my mind blown by it. If I were 10, I probably wouldn't have seen Rocky and therefore would have been surprised by the whole thing. Plus, it's robots beating seven bells out of each other AND you can tell which one is which AND there are no illusions of being "grown up" AND it's not directed by Michael Bay. All the fighters are very well-designed with their own unique quirks. My favourite was Metro, a Frankenstein's monster of a robot with a massive sledgehammer for a hand. Put simply, the robots work. The fights are all impressively shot and choreographed and the climactic fight actually feels like (I was going to say "a climax" here, but it ain't that good) an epic finale.

 "I'm either coming with you, or you're fishing for your keys in the sewer."

What doesn't work is the fairly laboured father/son bonding storyline. It's alright, but it does get bogged down with cheese and saccharine over-sentimentality. This is excusable to a certain extent as the seemingly bulletproof excuse of "it's for kids" rears its smug, punchable face, but even taking that into account, it still lays it on a little too thick. There's some truly obnoxious product placement on display here, with Microsoft's optimistic hopes that their Bing search engine will still exist in 2020 somehow making the concept of fighting robots less ludicrous. Having said that, it doesn't spoil the overall sense of fun and still makes this an easy recommendation for a family film. If you're an angry loner like me, you may still find things to enjoy about Real Steel. It's fucking ridiculous, but it's an inoffensive slice of fantasy fun. Stick that on your cover, Dreamworks!

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

Time for my thoughts on the second film in George Lucas' "Look at all the cool shit computers can do" trilogy. Thank Christ it gets better soon. I'm not sure how long my wrists would have stayed intact if it didn't.

Star Wars: Episode II- Attack of the Clones (2002)

Having been re-disappointed by Episode I, it was surprisingly tough to go back to Attack of the Clones with my reviewing eyes in. I know it isn't good and you know it isn't good. This is like therapy to me. If I tap out my review of this, I means I don't have to think about it analytically ever again. I can just watch for the pretty colours when I'm feeling particularly spaced out. To return briefly to The Phantom Menace, have you seen the recently released poster for the unfortunately-still-happening 3D re-release? Not only is it a lazy, shitty bit of design but I love the fact that the only two entertaining things about it are front row, centre. There's not a Gungan to be seen. That's marketing for you.

"I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth."

Attack of the Clones is set 10 years after The Phantom Menace. After there is an assassination attempt on Senator Amidala (Natalie Portman), Jedis Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and the now grown up Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) are called in to protect her. After it emerges that the Republic is in danger, Obi-Wan investigates the possibility of a clone army whilst Anakin and Padmé travel to Naboo and fall in love, not knowing their relationship is doomed. The plot is a big ol' jar of weaksauce. Again, too many things don't make sense and the love story that dominates the film is atrocious. All the actors are fine, even Hayden Christensen, who attracted a lot of criticism as "Mannequin Skywalker". I think the problem here is the characters, not the actors. This is typified with the casting of Christopher Lee.  The man could menace a bowl of cornflakes and yet he leaves no real impact on the film whatsoever.

So yeah. The "love story". I'm not even sure what Lucas thought he was doing. It is completely devoid of feeling and reality. You may think that reality has little or nothing to do with a film that has lightsabers and flying cars, but it really is important. You can be as fantastical as you want, but the audience needs something to ground them and be able to relate to. The romance in Episode II makes the Twilight films look like the greatest love stories ever told. The dialogue is stilted and unnatural throughout the prequels, but is especially bad in this film's love scenes. There's this infamous scene, for instance. Just watch it. Not only does it start with some extremely sexy political discussion, it then moves to embarrassing new lows with forced-as-fuck horseplay. I especially like the bit where Anakin pretends to be seriously injured. That'll get her moist. It's like Lucas just skimmed through "An Idiot's Guide to Mills & Boon: From Bodice-Ripping to Class Divides", copy-pasted half of it into the script and wrote "in motherfucking space" at the end. You know you're in trouble when your film has a romantic scene in front of a fireplace.

Despite the frequent action scenes, the film still manages to be boring. There's one brief moment of fun when Obi-Wan is fighting bounty hunter Jango Fett, but that's about your lot. The Clone War itself is nothing but a tech demo for Industrial Light and Magic's mad computer skillz and you know what? I don't even like Yoda getting his lightsaber out and fighting Dooku. It's retarded. The worst scene for me by far is the "comedy" sequence in the droid factory where C-3PO gets his head knocked off and put onto the body of a battle droid. It's so flinchingly bad I'm genuinely cringing as I write these words. Then there's the scene where Anakin goes mental on the discovery of his mother's body and kills a bunch of sandpeople. In better hands, this could have been a really affecting sequence. In the bearded businessman's hands, it's pretty laughable. Even though I like the line "They're animals, so I slaughtered them like animals!" his little confession to Padmé goes on way too long. It's meant to be a hint at future darkness, but ends up like a psychopath's recollection of his first murder/rape.

"If Master Obi-Wan caught me doing this, he'd be very grumpy."

Contrary to popular opinion, Attack of the Clones is the worst of the prequels in my book. The story doesn't even come close to coherency, the dialogue is fist-bitingly awful and to top it all off, it's dull to boot. It's not even bad in a fun way like The Phantom Menace can be. There are no real redeeming features as far as I'm concerned. It's just another film that doesn't deserve the grandiose John Williams theme at the end.

Red State

A review of a newish film to break up all the Star Whoring. You should know how this works by now. Attack of t' Clones is up next.

Red State (2011)

Kevin Smith has had a bad run. In 2008, he tried to ape Apatow with Zack and Miri Make A Porno and succeeded in every way bar achieving the massive box office takings those films get. He then decided to direct a film he hadn't written, Cop Out, which didn't bring in the big bucks either and was rightfully panned as lazy, by-the-numbers pigswill. So, Smith decided to return to his indie roots with Red State, buying up the distribution rights himself and taking it across the U.S. and doing one of his famous Q&As afterwards. It's a bold move and one I can't help but be impressed by. Smith has stepped way outside of his comfort zone, written, edited and directed a "horror" film and distributed it in a way not seen before. That's if you live in the exciting US of A. Here it's just farted into cinemas like every other film. Just thought I'd give you some backstory. You're welcome.

"I fear God. You better believe I fear God."

Red State begins with Travis (Michael Angarano) and his two friends Jared (Kyle Gallner) and Billy-Ray (Nicholas Braun) charmingly looking up loose women on a smartphone. After finding an older woman (Melissa Leo) who says she'll take on all three greasy boys at the same time, our "heroes" drive to her trailer where they are slipped Rohypnol and wake up caged and bound in the local church. It is here they see the local fundamentalist congregation, led by the infamous preacher Abin Cooper (Michael Parks), who firmly believes that homosexuals and sexual deviants should be executed in the name of the Lord. Some bad shit goes down and the ATF are called in, led by Joseph Keenan (John Goodman). First off, this ain't the horror film it's been billed as. It's certainly got elements of  horror, especially "torture porn" titles like Hostel, but that isn't really the main thrust of it all. In fact, I'm struggling to tell you what it was. It chops and changes genre and tone so often it's actually quite hard to define. Still, the story held my attention and took a few interesting, if occasionally fucking barmy, turns. The actors are decent, with Michael Parks stealing the show and giving an amazing performance as Abin Cooper. John Goodman was good too and I liked Kerry Bishé as the resigned but desperate Cheyenne.

Don't you just fucking hate those wankers that protest gay funerals with placards declaring that "God Hates Fags" and such? Yeah, me too. Red State is all about that kind of extremist fundamentalism. Abin Cooper preaches these horrible morals and reprehensible lessons to his captive (in both senses of the word) audience with all the frustratingly unrelenting confidence and conviction of a complete cunt. These early scenes are by far Red State's strongest, with Cooper's lengthy, well-written monologues to his loving congregation building tension well and paying off with some properly disturbing stuff. It's a shame that the film seemingly gets bored with all this and calls John Goodman in. Goodman brings the ruckus like you read about and the whole film goes all David Koresh, with an armed siege on an extremist religious complex making up the latter part of the film. This doesn't work that well and feels sloppily handled. I wanted a gritty, palpable Michael Mann-style shootout, but was left disappointed. Smith isn't used to directing action and it shows.

I'm not sure what point Red State was trying to make. There's an obvious anti-extremist message here, but there's some shady government business with the ATF agents later that didn't really make any sense. The ending fools you into thinking it's going to go a ludicrous, but undeniably entertaining way but ends up copping out (no pun intended). The teens aren't paid much heed after the film clicks into action mode and plot points just end up going nowhere. Without spoiling too much, there's a plot involving the possible redemption of Cheyenne which ends up being violently discarded. I'm sure this was meant to be shocking, but there's too much of a clusterfuck to actually care about what happens. You can't be shocked if you're not connecting or engaging with what's going on.

"People just do the strangest things when they believe they're entitled. But they do even stranger things when they just plain believe."

 Red State is a strange beast. It's a massive departure from what you'd expect the creator of Clerks to come up with, but it feels more like an experiment than a fully-fledged movie. If I wasn't familiar with the director's work, I think I'd be considerably less impressed. There are some awesome ideas here and it's almost worth watching for Parks' performance alone. It's an interesting if bleak watch, but too many things are mishandled for it to be anything other than a bit of a curio.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

I've reviewed quite a few things since this blog's inception. I've written about cinematic awesomeness, silver-screen mediocrity and some filmic abominations. I've covered sequels, trilogies and more recently, anthologies. One thing I have not done before is an entire saga. I knew this day would come. I've decided to review all six Star Wars films* in episodic order, rather than chronological. At least that way, this foolish undertaking has a  happy ending  satisfying conclusion  (is there anyway to write that without sounding like a seedy massage parlour perk?)

Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace (1999)

Very rarely does a series encapsulate both what I love and hate about films this perfectly. The original trilogy has its flaws (which I will discuss in great detail when we get there) but they're still great films. The prequel trilogy, not so much. I have a small confession. I actually liked The Phantom Menace when it came out. Then again, I was 12 and didn't really know what a good film was. Thanks to the depressing, constant mortal march to the grave we all have to endure, I'm older, fatter and have a better idea of what constitutes a good film. This certainly isn't it.

 "The boy is dangerous. They all sense it, why can't you?"

The "plot" is as follows: there is some sort of blockade around the planet of Naboo and the galactic senate have sent in two Jedi Knights- Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and a young Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) to negotiate. However, a plan to invade Naboo soon becomes apparent and it's up to the two Jedi, a young boy who is unusually strong with the Force (Jake Lloyd), a fourteen year old queen (Natalie Portman) and some floppy eared, rabbit/frog thing called Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) to save the day. It may seem like I'm being intentionally vague to mock the film, but I'm not. That is genuinely the best I can do to describe the basic story. Sure, I could describe specific scenes, but as for a plot outline, I'm fucked. The story gets bogged down in pseudo-political bullshit from the off, peppering phrases like "trade dispute" throughout. As a kid, I assumed all this political talk was too smart for me and I'd learn about it when I was older. Well,it still doesn't make any fucking sense. Both Neeson and McGregor do well with their crappy lines, but the main target for my ShitCannon 9000 is Jake Lloyd. Now, I don't want to make a habit of picking on ickle child actors (ahem), but by shiny MechaChrist is Lloyd awful in this. Practically every intonation is wrong, not to mention fleas-under-the-foreskin irritating. One would think Ahmed Best would also come under fire here, but from what I can gather, he's just doing exactly what he's been instructed to do. It just doesn't help that what he's been instructed to do is ruin scenes and make the audience embarrassed to the point of physical cringing.

So yeah, 12 years later and it's still tough to imagine how the creator of such a culturally important series of films could misjudge things this much. Jar Jar is an unfunny joysuck. There are awkward "comedy" bits, plot holes that even Paris Hilton's gynaecologist would describe as "gaping" and an overabundance of boring nonsensical political waffle. To top it all off, the mysticism of the Force is royally shafted when it's explained that it's all to do with microscopic lifeforms known as "midichlorians". I always thought the point of the Force was the fact that you could become as attuned to it as you wanted, providing you were dedicated enough. Phantom Menace skullfucks this idea and takes away some of the magic by explaining it.

There are some things I like about Phantom Menace, but they're fleeting. The John Williams score is great throughout, especially during the "Duel of the Fates" three-way smackdown between Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Darth Maul. But alas, no pleasure is pure in the Star Wars prequels and the awesome fight is intercut with Natalie Portman and her gang of forgettables shooting ineffectual droids, Jar Jar and the Gungans battling an entire droid army (complete with plenty of Jar Jar shenanigans) and Jake Lloyd being fucking annoying in a space battle. The podrace is also decent, injecting some much-needed life into the film, but it slightly overstays its welcome.

"Why do I get the feeling that we've picked up another pathetic life form?"

The Phantom Menace is an interesting one. It's not good or even average, but I can't bring myself to fully hate it. I like the smarmy Palpatine starting to get his evil plans in place and I love some of the designs and settings. Especially the rolling Droidekas. It's kind of fun to watch in one way, but that doesn't excuse the lazy plotting , abhorrent characters and crappy dialogue. The hardest thing to swallow even now, over a decade later, is what a massive missed opportunity this is. Lucas could have told a great story, but instead decided to shift as many toys as he could, writing in characters and situations purely for merchandising reasons.

*Technically there have been 7 Star Wars theatrical releases, my review of the seventh, The Clone Wars, can be found here.