The Hangover Part II

I really can't be arsed to review Sucker Punch right now. Will probably write one when I'm done with the new X-Men flick this week. Oh- and Kung Fu Panda 2. What? Shut up.

The Hangover Part II (2011)

If you're looking for a review that can objectively tell you if this film stacks up to the first or not, then you're in the wrong place, bub. I won't go as far as to say I hated The Hangover, but I was definitely baffled by it. I saw trailers for it in the cinema and people laughed. After its release, I was told it was "so fucking funeee, lolz." by people who I'd accidentally started talking to on my rare appearances on nights out. I watched The Hangover and actually found it to be an alienating, joyless experience. The premise was good, but the jokes just weren't there. I didn't crack a smile throughout the 100 minute runtime. This was made worse with the knowledge that people were finding this shite funny. I say in all honesty and without any characteristic hyperbole, The Hangover made me feel comedically broken. However, it made a shiteton of money, so they're back with a sequel. Hoo-fucking-ray.

"All I wanted was a bachelor brunch."

So yeah, if you've seen the first one, you'll know the drill. The "Wolfpack" return as Stu (Ed Helms) is getting married in Thailand. Phil (Bradley Cooper) and beardie-weirdie Alan (Zack Galifianakis) go with to celebrate and the trio, plus newcomer Teddy (Mason Lee) have a few drinks. Cue a flash forward to a Bangkok hotel room where the guys wake up in various states of disrepair, remembering nothing of the night before and missing Teddy. Cue man-child shenanigans as the trio, a monkey and offensive Asian stereotype Mr.Chow (Ken Jeong) from the first one try to piece together their wild night and find Teddy before Stu's wedding. Even typing that summary annoyed me. The plot is the same, but somehow worse. The only thing I liked about the first was the premise, but since that little glimmer of hope has been significantly dulled by time, this film has nothing going for it. The actors are fine, but none made me laugh. I actually like Bradley Cooper and find Zack GfuckyouI'mnottypinghislastnameagain's standup funny, but I found them absolutely mirthless in this film.

The film has been criticised for being an inferior carbon copy of the first and rightly so. There are so many similar scenes to the original, it feels like The Hangover Part II is like an alternate universe's version of the first one- the basic story, the pointless cameos, the stray animal and the naked Chinese man are all here, but just slightly different. The new stuff that the film brings has an odd cruel edge to it. I've read reviews that call the film racist and LGBT unfriendly and that's not the half of it. I won't go into it all here, but damn. Just damn.

Thing is, I could actually forgive the above problems if the film was actually funny. It really isn't. The basic jokes are: vulgar/inappropriate things being said in a casual manner, Alan saying something odd and Stu bitching about things. Those are just about the only flavours of "comedy" we're presented with and they all taste like watery spunk.

"Seriously, what is wrong with you three?"

So, you may ask why I returned to the series if I had my fingers burned by the first. Well, like it or not, The Hangover Part II, despite critical panning is doing amazingly well at the box office. It's significant. That's all there is to it. I would say something twatty and pseudo-pithy like "What happened in Vegas should have stayed in Vegas" or "The Hangover Part II gave me a headache" but I think that would detract from my points. So, I'll just be frank, using plain and simple language. It's shit, the first one was shit and people are shit for not only liking it, but funding more of it. I hope you're happy, you Hangover liking bastards.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Yes, it's new review time again and I've done seen a feature about some pirates or summat. So, are you sitting comfortably? Then shut the fuck up and I'll begin...

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

 

So here we are with the fourth Pirates film, hoping to kickstart a whole new trilogy of swordfighting, big set pieces and general seafaring. After the disappointing sequels, On Stranger Tides looks to right the wrongs those films made, promising a "stripped down" approach to abate those (including myself) who thought that  the brilliant Curse of the Black Pearl  deserved better. Frankly, they were too convoluted and, for lack of a better word, shit.

"I'm just as bent as ever- hellishly so!"

On Stranger Tides once again follows everybody's favourite pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) as he learns that an imposter is gathering a crew to search for the Fountain of Youth. However, the fake Cap'n Jack isn't the only one interested in the Fountain, as series regular Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), the Spanish Armada and legendary fearsome pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane) race to get to the best anti-ageing treatment in the world. Along the way, things get more complicated for Sparrow as he runs into old flame Angelica (Penelope Cruz). The plot is fairly decent and certainly less complicated than either Dead Man's Chest or At World's End. At least this time round there's a clear goal which never wavers. The problem I had with it was the lack of urgency. None of the parties interested the Fountain of Youth actually seem to want it that badly. They talk a lot about it, sure- but there's no real race. Everyone's just content to float through the set-piecey bits of the sea at their own pace. Depp's Sparrow routine is still entertaining, although his dialogue is still not as snappy as it orginally was. Geoffrey Rush is still awesome. I liked Barbossa's turn from being a filthy pirate to being a filthy privateer for the King's Navy and that his love of apples hasn't dwindled. Cruz is fine (in all senses of the word) and Ian McShane does a decent job as Blackbeard, although the character isn't really explored well enough.

I really wanted a bad-ass villain this time around. The film does a good job of building Blackbeard up, but he's a bit of a letdown. This may be the point- subverting expectations and all that, but we're dealing with a Disney/Bruckheimer film here, it's not only permissable to have a boo-hiss baddie, it's almost the damn law. Occasionally he'll do something evil with the relaxed attitude of someone making a shopping list, which can be quite chilling, but I expected more. Thank Christ the Will/Elizabeth story is done with, because I'm not sure I could deal with another feature-length lesson in how not to emote from the bland twins. What we've got instead is a rather more compelling romance between missionary Phillip (Sam Claflin) and mermaid Syrena (Àstrid Bergès-Frisbey). There's less of it, but I think it works better than the screen-hogging duo of Bloom and Knightley. Talking of actors, there are quite a few cameos to look out for. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more.

Still, it wouldn't be a Pirates film without some digustingly expensive action sequences and there are quite a few here. The chase through Ye Olde London is well done, setting off a steady stream of typical Bruckheimer funded mayhem. There's a good old-fashioned swordfight in a brewery, purposefully similar to Will and Jack's initial dust-up in the first one. This self-referencial scene outlined the problem I had with the sequels and this film. It's the fucking editing. The sword fights are just a succession of quick shots, mostly fairly close up so you have even less of an idea about what's going on. I watched the first one back and was surprised to see that the editing was a lot more subdued. There were times in this film when I had no idea who was who (aside from the brewery bit as I'm sure that's the point). I'm sure the sword stuff is fantastically choreographed too, just allow us to see it next time, for shit's sake. Having said all that, the mermaid sequence in this flick is creepy, brilliant and undoubtably the highlight of the film in action terms. Those fishy bitches mean business.

"If I don't kill a man once in awhile, people forget who I am"

So, On Stranger Tides. It isn't the return to form that it desperately needed, but it's no worse than At World's End. It's on par with Dead Man's Chest, which wasn't terrible. If you do intend to make more Disney (and I think one look at the box office receipts will ensure that you will) go back to what made the first one great. Hire some new writers too, because the original dream team have clearly lost it and have now had three films to redeem themselves and haven't. Now for some observations that I couldn't cleverly weave into the above paragraphs. 3D not needed, saw it in 2D and apart from the occasional pandering shot (swords pointed towards camera) was perfectly fine. The laws of physics are Jack Sparrow's bitch. Gibbs looks like a mutton chopped Dara O'Briain when he's wearing a hat.

Arthur

Blergh.

Arthur (2011)

 

Remaking a well thought of '80s comedy that originally starred Dudley Moore is a bad idea. Just ask Harold Ramis about the Bedazzled backlash. Still, since the gulf between the super-rich and the garden variety human has grown significantly wider since then, I suppose a remake does sort of make sense. Er...transitional line into new paragraph.

"We shouldn't get married... we have nothing in common. You love horses. I don't trust them. Their shoes are permanent. Who makes that kind of a commitment to a shoe?"

The film follows Arthur (Russell Brand) an alcoholic, multi-millionaire playboy who embodies the adage "more money than sense". After embarrassing his high-flying estranged mother (Geraldine James) with his drunken antics, Arthur is given an ultimatum- marry strict businesswoman Susan Johnson (Jennifer Garner) and secure the fiscal future of the family company or be financially cut off. Arthur understandably goes for the former option, but things get more complicated when he meets Naomi (Greta Gerwig), a tour guide who he immediately falls for. The rest of the film focuses on Arthur's dilemma- choose a loveless life of luxury or a homely love-filled but cash poor existence? Having seen the original feckin' years ago, I thought the plot was great. It's a classic story merely updated and not changed too much. 

Once again Brand is a divisive presence. I like the guy and think he's a decent comic actor, but I know a load of people who think otherwise. I think he charms enough as Arthur to win round some people, but it won't be for everyone. I really liked (and fancied) Greta Gerwig as Naomi, I thought she brought a nice girl-next-door feel to the character. I thought Jennifer Garner was good too, obviously relishing being able to play a bitch after all those recent nicey-nice roles. Clear scene-stealer though is Helen Mirren as Hobson, Arthur's sarcastic nanny who gets all the best lines. Mirren is the fucking don in this film.

The opening of Arthur isn't brilliant. He's strapping on a Batman suit and getting ready to go on a bender in an actual Batmobile. I remember my "lazy pop culture reference" alarm bells going haywire and making me want to leave. I get embarrassed on a film's behalf when they do shit like that these days. However, things really start improving after that. The dialogue got better and snappier, Hobson was introduced and things started being downright entertaining. I initially went to see Arthur because I'd heard it was pretty rubbish and fancied pettily taking it apart on this here blog. However, it won me over. I really don't get the vicious reviews.

I don't often say stuff like this, but I found the romance to be pretty sweet. Whilst Brand and Gerwig don't really have much chemistry, the big romantic gestures Arthur laid on for her and their dates started to charm me. For instance, the couple's first date is so impossibly romantic that even a kitten-stomping bastard like me could recognise that. Arthur's irresponsible boozing was funny and sad at the same time and his AA meeting with Hobson was genuinely touching. It's a funny film too and made me laugh throughout the runtime, which really is a rarity in this "Let's be like the fucking Hangover" comedic lull.

"What was that?"
"That was a French kiss."
"No, The French always surrender. THAT was decidedly German."

Still, I didn't completely turn into a snivelling girly-man. There are problems. As mentioned, the opening is awful, the chemistry between the two leads isn't really there and the film can be too saccharine at times. Naomi's childrens' story in particular was so sickly I wanted to vomit my lungs up with rage. The original's obviously better, but if you give this version a go, you may be surprised. What can I say? I expected it to be shit and was entertained instead- these things happen from time to time.

Rio

The second review in my four review personal penance- Rio. Haven't got anything else to say.

Rio (2011)

I imagine the ideas meeting after Ice Age 3 came out to be one with an air of sweaty desperation. After realising they needed a money-in-the-bank 3D kiddie spectacular to fill the gap whilst some poor soul is tasked with squeezing another Ice Age film out, I believe that there was a deathly silence at Blue Sky Studios. I envisage about 15 people sat round an extremely shiny table all looking like they've shat themselves and don't want to let on to the others. Suddenly, one of them ventures: "How about Hot Age?" and instead of being laughed at and brutally shanked, they're praised and work immediately goes into refining said prick's idea. That's the amount of thought I believe went into Rio.

"What is natural about getting thrown halfway across the room?"

Rio is the story of Blu (voiced by Jesse Eisenberg) a rare Spix's Macaw who was snatched from the Brazilian rainforest as a chick. He is smuggled to snowy Minnesota where he is found and adopted by book shop owner Linda (Leslie Mann). After 15 years together, things suddenly change when Tulio, a Brazilian ornithologist, tracks Linda and Blu down and tells them that Blu is the last male of his kind and must mate with a female, Jewel (Anne Hathaway), to preserve the species. Thus, the trio head to colourful, exotic Rio in order to save the Spix's Macaw from extinction. The story's alright, I guess. It's making kids aware of certain environmental concerns, which I'm always in favour of. What I don't get is why Scientist Guy couldn't take Jewel to Blu, rather than the other way around. Sure, we wouldn't have a film if this happened, but still- weak sauce. Jesse Eisenberg repeats his Mark Zuckerberg, fast-talking nerd performance and it works well. Anne Hathaway was just the female lead- nothing here to stretch her talents.

Rio is an amazing looking film. The colours, the animation and the rendered Brazilian locales are all stunning. Having seen it in eye-friendly 2D, I couldn't comment on the 3D, but I'm sure it would mostly be a waste of time. Thing is, there's not much else going on here. The character development's weak as shit, with the only interesting character being the villain- Nigel, a vicious Cockatoo (yes, you read that right) voiced by Flight of the Conchords' Jermaine Clement. His song is genuinely funny and a real high point. However, Nigel has a posh British accent so not many points can be given for originality. Will Hollywood just not be happy until every American mistrusts the British? We're not so bad. Some of us are downright decent people, you racist fuckpigs.

Thing is, there's no real love between the computer-generated cartoon lovebirds. They bicker a lot, mainly because Blu can't fly (guess how that turns out) and then suddenly they're in love. It's so flimsy. The excuse "it's a kids' film" doesn't wash with me. Pixar and Dreamworks have both delivered funny, touching films as entertaining and touching for adults as they are for younglings. There is no excuse for a lazy story. Especially if you've had to mortgage your house to pay for you and your family to see it in 3D .

"I'm a feathery freak with a beak / a bird murderer. You think you're badder than me? / I never heard o' ya!"

Rio just seems like a needlessly expensive advert for Brazil.  Everything you'd expect to see in a film set in Brazil appears- Ipanima Beach and the Christ the Redeemer statue make an appearance. Obviously, Blu happens to be there during Carnival so everything is a mental mix of glitter, huge floats and skimpy costumes. The film will undoubtably entertain the young'uns. There's a high-energy musical number every 10 minutes or so and as I said, it's very pretty to look at. It's occasionally funny, but most of the time, you'll be waiting for the animated bastards to sod off into the sunset and leave you alone. Still, the countdown for Ice Age 4 begins here!

Hanna

That's right, kids! It's Four Review Tuesday! Yes, this is the part of the show where I realise I have nothing better to do today than assuage my personal guilt for not updating my blog regularly enough. First up is Hanna, as it is still viewable in your local cinematorium.

Hanna (2011)

  

 

I don't really buy into the whole "young assassin" thing any more. It was fine in Léon as it seemed organic, but Hit-Girl in Kick-Ass and now Hanna in er...Hanna seem to be taking it a bit too far. I'm sure that if you trained a toddler how to use firearms and nunchucks as soon as they could hold them up until say, their 12th birthday, you'd have a considerable ass-whuppin' machine on your hands. The thing I have a problem with is the hand-to-hand fighting. No way would a 12 year old be able to take on a fully grown adult thug. These aren't just random never-been-in-a-fight adults. They're trained, paid muscle. No fucking way. Anyway. Too much thinking, not enough reviewing. 

"You didn't prepare me for this."

Hanna stars Saoirse Ronan as the eponymous heroine, a teen assassin (fuck off) trained from a young age by her father, former CIA man Erik Heller (Eric Bana). She has had an unsual upbringing, consisting mostly of mystery and intensive combat training in the Finnish wilderness. After some plot spoiler-y stuff happens, Hanna finds herself hunted by a corrupt CIA agent named Marissa Weigler (Cate Blanchett). The easiest comparision to draw to this film is that of the Jason Bourne trilogy, specifically The Bourne Identity. I wanted to do something with the phrase "kiddie Bourne" but my ethics committee advised against it. The details are changed, but a skilled killer being persued across many locations by a government agency whilst all the time finding out about their past? The protagonist could be a fucking dog with three legs and still remind me of the Bourne films. Anyway, the plot isn't bad by any stretch and does keep you interested until the Chemical Brothers scored credits roll. Saoirse Ronan is seriously impressive as Hanna, being able to realistically portray a detached, cold blooded killer with a loveable innocent side. Unfortunately, she sometimes reminded me of great Luna Lovegood from the Harry Potter films, giving a whole new spin to the general grittiness. Her accent was dead on too. Thinking about it, accents are probably one of the major recurring interests in this film. For every great one (Ronan and surprisingly, Eric Bana) there's a not-so-great one (Blanchett's Southern drawl is terrible as is Tom Hollander's stereotypical camp Cherman accent) 

Hanna herself is a great character. She's a killer, but also a childhood-less teen. There's a great scene in Morocco where Hanna first comes into contact with modern technology such as television and kettles. Up to this point, we've seen Hanna comfortably navigate government buildings packed with highly-trained agents and traverse great distances on her own. It's a great moment of vulnerability. The film's later attempts to expand upon this are less successful. Hanna meets a fucking annoying British family consisting of a "yummeh mummeh", posh-areas-of-London type matriarch, an easy-going beardy dad and two kids, a teen daughter Sophie and a little boy, Miles. Sophie befriends Hanna and is often used as the comparative "normal" teen and it gets pretty grating. There's a sweet scene involving a bracelet, but the scene where some Spanish boys take the girls out takes a wrong turn at Charm Street and goes down Annoyance Avenue instead. If Hanna'd actually kissed the boy, it would have been fine and touching. As it stands, it seems like a desperate attempt at humour. However (invisotexted movie spoiling talk) the reveal on who or what Hanna is feels like it belongs in another film. You can't have gritty realism one minute and drag out the ol' genetically created super soldier thing the next. It doesn't work.

Blanchett's character, conversely, is weaker than a petrol station coffee. She's incredibly vain and always cleaning her teeth or being concerned with her attire. That's basically her in a nutshell. The usually awesome Tom Hollander as a camp, bleached blonde, tracksuited German doesn't work either. My mate Laurence made a good point, remarking that Hollander and his skinhead cronies reminded him of '70s Bond villains. Nail on the head there- and there's not even a cocked Moore eyebrow to balance things out.

The action scenes are great and not at all what I'd expect from the director of Atonement. The fight choreography is especially good and both Ronan and Bana impress in equal measures. The brief shootout between Marissa and Heller is impressive and genuinely exciting. The locales are gorgeous too, ranging from the beautiful Finnish woods to a creepy-as-shit abandoned theme park. Whoever was the location scout deserves a raise.

"I just missed your heart."

There's just something about Hanna I didn't like. There are some compelling performances and some enjoyable action bits, but there's something that doesn't quite gel. The whole film's a bit off-kilter and can't decide what it wants to be. I initially enjoyed it in the cinema, but looking back the good things started to fade away. It's alright, just not as amazing as all the good reviews led me to believe it would be.

Attack The Block

I'm caught in limbo at the moment as I want to review films whilst they're still in cinemas, but have a backlog to catch up on too. It's only going to get worse as the new Pirates of the Caribbean is out this week and I will just have to see and review that. Feel sorry for me, oh patient reader. Or tell me to get a fucking life. One of the two.

Attack The Block (2011)

 

There are two things that I've got to be careful of when reviewing Attack The Block so as not to parrot what every other lazy reviewer has said. I'm hoping by mentioning them, it will show that I'm aware of other reviews and that this one is superior to them in every conceivable way. Firstly, let's get that tired Shaun of the Dead comparison out of the way. Yes, it's a British made, Britain set film concerning fictional (prove me wrong, Universe!) creatures, it takes its cue from seminal horror films and it's got Nick Frost in it. Still, Attack The Block is its own beast and comparing it to that zombie masterstroke is unfair (even though it's right there at the top of the frickin' poster). Two- at no point in this review will I attempt to sound like a hooded London yoof for a cheap laugh. It's damn tempting, but I'd like to think I'm better than that.

"Well done, lads! You’ve discovered a species hitherto unknown to science and you’ve kicked its head in!"

Set in the estates of South London, Attack The Block opens, fairly controversially, with a nurse (Jodie Whittaker) getting mugged by a gang of stereotypical hoodies led by the rather intimidating Moses (John Boyega). However, their knifey-happy-fun time is cut short when an meteorite containing a weird rat/chimp alien crashes into a nearby parked car. The gang naturally decide to chase after it and kill it, triumphantly taking the body to stoner Ron (Nick Frost) for identification. Whilst in his 19th floor flat, the gang notice more meteorites crashing all over the city. Craving alien blood, they decide to get tooled up and head out for a fight. The plot is basically your standard alien invasion narrative transported to the London blocks, which works really well. The overall story may be fairly predictable, but the details have been changed, adding up to a new and fresh feeling experience. The cast are all really good, which is especially impressive considering about half of them are making their film debuts. John Boyega in particular was great as the sullen Moses and handles his character's evolution like a seasoned professional. I also thought the kiddie duo of Probs and Mayhem (Sammy Williams and Michael Ajao) were brilliant and managed to avoid being tooth-gnashingly irritating like most child actors.

Debut director Joe Cornish (he of Adam & Joe fame) clearly loves the medium and Attack The Block is an homage to various 1980's creature features and the work of John Carpenter. Having not grown up with these films and only seen the bare minimum, I got the feeling that I was missing out on a few layers of context throughout, but this is a minor quibble. Even without most of the intertextuality, it's obvious that Cornish has a great directorial style and a real knack for visuals. I loved the design of the aliens and thought that the fact that they had glow-in-the-dark teeth was fucking awesome. I could have done with the aliens being scarier though, as we only really get a few jump-scares and the like to establish the danger the gang is in. If the threat was more palpable it would have added an extra charge to the already exciting action sequences. Having said that, there is a great, tension-filled scene concerning a huge number of them which is done really well.

Hoodies have been demonised for a quite a while now (so much so that a couple of years ago I happened to be wearing a hooded top and some comedienne-in-training came up to me and asked if I'd vandalised any trains lately. I'd like to inform people not in the know that I'm hardly intimidating- there are scarier Furbies out there than me.) and the decision to have them as our gang of heroes is a sound one. I did feel that the film leant towards portraying them as misunderstood a bit too much. I'm sure a lot of them are, but statistically some of them must just be violent little pricks.

Much has been made of the gangs' speech and it is refreshing to hear a more realistic take on how young people talk. Newcomers needn't worry about understanding the odd word as the script does a great job of allowing the audience to understand via context. It's funny, but hearing this sort of slang at the cinema pumping out of the speakers, rather than from some little shites in the audience that won't shut their damn talkholes, reminded me of A Clockwork Orange's Nadsat dialect, which really works in the film's favour. If you are a Londoner however, it may just remind you of a depressing late night trip down the off-licence.

"It's raining Gollums!"

I enjoyed the hell out of Attack The Block. For every flaw it had, there were ten great things to balance it out. It's funny, exciting and it made me genuinely proud that a film as good as this is a British production. I've made this point before, but it's nice to know the admission price is going to the British film industry for a change, instead of an obscene international money pile. So, go and see it rather than downloading it or I'll come to your ends and merk ya.*

*What I think about myself and what I am are two very different things.

Thor

Still catching up, still got to post my reviews of Arthur, Rio, Sucker Punch and Hanna- but again- Thor's in cinemas at the very moment. You should go and see it if you haven't. Fuck Rio, but especially fuck Sucker Punch.

Thor (2011)

 

Confession time. I didn't know much about Thor beforehand. I knew the traditional Norse myth but wasn't familiar with the Marvel incarnation, which as it turns out, is basically the same. 2011, despite what D.C. would like you to think with the release of Green Lantern, is the year of Marvel with this, Captain America and X-Men: First Class all out this Summer. Of the three, Thor was the one I had the most reservations about. It seemed like just a live action feature they had to get out of the way to justify his appearance in Joss Whedon's 2012 superhero clusterfuck The Avengers. I'm happy to say I was proved wrong. Thor is a lot of fun. See below for details and attractive people naked.

"He has disobeyed his king... his fate is in his own hands now."

The story goes thusly: Thor, God of Thunder (played by Star Trek's Chris "Tiberius?... That's the worst!" Hemsworth) is banished from glittery, stellar megacity Asgard by his father, the Norse head honcho Odin (Sir Anthony Hopkins) and ends up on Earth, stripped of his powers and his trusty hammer Mjolnir, where he is rightfully dismissed as a babbling mentalist by all apart from cosmic scientist Jane (Natalie Portman) and her team (Stellan Skarsgard and Kat Dennings). Meanwhile, back at Asgard, Thor's snidey little brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) takes advantage of his father's weakened state and seizes control. I thought Chris Hemsworth was great as Thor, spouting some genuinely funny lines and approaching the role with just the right amount of tongue-in-cheek. Tom Hiddleston was excellent as Loki and reminded me a lot of Brad Dourif's turn as Grima Wormtongue in The Lord of the Rings films. I'm also feckin' excited that he's comfirmed to appear in The Avengers. The guy's great and I can't wait to see more of him. Fans of The Wire can also look forward to the sight of Idris Elba in spangly gold disco armour. Character wise, my main gripes were with the two female leads, who, whilst played perfectly well by Portman and Dennings, were underdeveloped. Dennings' character Darcy especially seems to only exist to say unfunny, sarcastic things and appeal to da yout' by mentioning things like Facebook.

The thing I really liked about Thor was the fact it makes no concessions about its comic origins. It's unapologetically fantastical. Everyone talks in deep Shakespearian tones and wears armour that looks like it weighs about the same as a Fiat Punto with heavy shopping in the boot. It's also interesting to note that Thor is a God and has therefore not been bitten by a radioactive Viking or anything like that. Magic, rather than pseudo science is the basis in this flick.

The initially baffling choice of Kenneth Branagh to direct really pays off and no matter how space opera everything gets, Branagh keeps it on the straight and narrow and focuses on the main story of redemption and lesson-learning. That's not to say things don't go boom though. Thor has some really impressive, fun action sequences too. All the nerds who stayed after the credits for Iron Man 2 will recall that SHIELD have custody of the hammer Mjolnir and the stripped down, fists to faces sequence that takes place in the SHIELD compound is really good. There's a nerd bonus in the form of a Hawkeye cameo too. I've said it elsewhere on this blog, but I fucking love how all these films are linking together. OK, Iron Man 2 went overboard with the Avengers foreshadowing, but it was a genuine thrill to see Agent Coulson from the Iron Man films show up. The climactic action on Earth is also amazing- fighting a space Viking robot flamethrower thing powered by magic? FUCK YES.

"Do you want me to take him down or would you rather send in more guys for him to beat up?"

It's nice that in a time when superhero movies feel the need to be dark and gritty to be taken seriously, a slice of escapist fun like Thor can exist. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Drop your cynicism (or should that be "Don't be Asgarded"?) and you might too. Also, as always, stay after the credits- the little post credits scene is really worth staying for.

Water For Elephants

Got loads of reviews to catch up on, but thought I'd get this one out first whilst it's still fresh in my memory. Don't take the fact that I saw it on release date as an endorsement or anything either.

Water For Elephants (2011)

 

Before I start, let us just look at the title. Something about it just strikes me oddly. It seems like it should be the ironic title for some poor African refugee's life story, not some guff involving circuses. At the very end of the film the title flashes up again, like we're all meant to have a deeper understanding of it. Well I didn't- it was a throwaway line of dialogue spoken by an extra. Very odd. Anyway, I wasn't exactly counting down the days until I saw Gravy For Dolphins but as I've seen it, I thought I should share my thoughts like I always do.

"I don't know if I picked that circus. But something told me that circus picked me."

Water For Elephants starts with 90 year old Jacob Jankowski (Hal Holbrook) recounting his days in the circus when he looked like, not to mention was as thespianally challenged as, a certain Mr. Robert Pattinson. Jankowski is a failed veterinary surgeon who falls on very hard times and ends up employed by the Benzini Brothers travelling circus, run by ringleader and part-time psychopath August Rosenbluth (Christoph Waltz). Whilst there, Jacob starts getting closer to August's wife and star attraction Marlena (Reese Witherspoon) who delights audiences with her gymnastics, trained horse shows and her ability to break cinderblocks with her massive chin. Also, a special shout-out to Bishop Brennan himself Jim Norton, who does a fine job as Camel- Jacob's hard drinkin' mentor.

The plot is damn familiar. We start with a very Titanic-esque framing device and the deja-vu doesn't let up from there. If you've ever seen a gangster film where the rookie takes a shine to a beautiful girl only to find she belongs to the big boss, you've seen this film. The romance is as standard as this very sentence proclaiming it so. Robert Pattinson hasn't learned to act yet. Lager For Crocodiles was the film that enabled me to work out my big problem with him- he can't frown or smile convincingly. Whenever he frowns, he looks like he's really concentrating on frowning, rather than y'know acting. His frowny face reminded me of the face a baby pulls when it's shitting itself- oddly intense. Reece Witherspoon didn't do much apart from squeeze into glittery costumes. Christoph Waltz was good as August, but his character seemed like a watered down version of Hans Landa to me. Where Landa was quietly malevolent for most of Inglourious Basterds, August is an out-and-out bell-end, leaving us with a caricature of a bad guy and not a believable presence. Still, he's better here than as Chudnofsky in The Green Hornet.

This film is safe, safe, safe. We have preteen poontang magnet Pattinson coupled with Oscar winners Witherspoon and Waltz. It's a bankable cast. Setting aside the lavish circus setting, it's a boring but time-tested and financially viable story of forbidden romance. The film is strangely hollow, with any light-hearted moments (excluding the ones with the genuinely brilliant elephant) strangely empty. There's a bit where Jacob gets has too much to drink and wakes up in a box, in full clown makeup and a dress. Normally this would be a funny moment, but it feels too contrived to garner any joy. The only bit that got a significant reaction from the audience was when Rosie the elephant did a handstand. It's fucking impressive and almost worth the price of admission alone. 

"You do right by me, I'll show you a life most suckers can't even dream of."

Pepsi For Lemurs isn't a bad film, but it isn't great either. Although stuff happened, I have found myself properly struggling to think of anything else to write about it. Whilst the ending isn't quite what you expect, there's one bit which is so fucking ridiculous I let out a loud snort of derision audible above the shitstorm happening on-screen. It's the sort of film you buy for your Mum on DVD for Mother's Day 'cos "she likes that Cullen boy and ooh, loves Reece Witherspoon." When it comes down to it, Water For Elephants is perfectly fine for what it is, it's just not very exciting.