The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn

Since revisiting and analysing the Star Wars prequels genuinely annoyed me, I needed a break from the old and crap. Thankfully, I ended up seeing the new CGI Tintin film and breathed a sigh of relief big enough to extinguish all those recently re-lit rage fires. Whilst you ponder on that awkwardly worded metaphor, I'll get on with the reviewin'

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn (2011)

 

Tintin could have been very bad. The geniuses among you will be able to extrapolate from that that my opinion is of the opposite, but hear me the fuck out. Anyway, it could have been bad. It's a big budget adaptation of the world renowned and universally acclaimed Tintin comics that could have easily skimped on the series' inherent style, humour and charm (although some would argue it has). Plus, it's motion-captured animation- the same art style that brought us the fucking creepy, uncanny valley dwelling avatars in films like The Polar Express. It could have been just another feature-length cash-in on a name with brand awareness already, saving the studio millions on advertising and having the bonus of having an already established fanbase. Luckily, it isn't any of those things. It's fuppin' brilliant.

"If Sakharine gets to that ship before us, it's over!"

After purchasing a much sought-after model of a ship, bequiffed reporter Tintin (Jamie Bell) and his faithful dog Snowy are unwittingly sent off on a treasure hunting adventure, meeting drunkard, down-and-out Captain Haddock (Andy Serkis) along the way. From what I can gather, the film is an amalgamation of three of the Tintin stories: The Crab with the Golden Claws, The Secret of the Unicorn and Red Rackham's Treasure. I think it works well. It's a sprawling, old-fashioned adventure film with a great sense of fun about it. The animation is superb and thankfully dodges the disturbing factor that mo-cap animation had been previously infamous for. It strikes the right balance between cartoony and realistic. The voice/motion cast are terrific. Jamie Bell was really good as the earnest Tintin and Andy Serkis (now the fucking emperor of motion capture work) is amazing as Captain Haddock. I liked Daniel Craig as Sakharine and thought having Simon Pegg and Nick Frost as the bumbling Thomson and Thompson was a masterstroke.

The film starts off impressively with a Catch Me If You Can style animated intro that really gets you into the spirit of things. It's nice to hear a John Williams score but it just seems like Williams is working from a hastily scribbled note from Spielbeard saying "European and whimsical". Anyway, the main body of the film is great. It's a real globe-trotting adventure with Indiana Jones undertones (I was going to say Indiana underJones, but was concerned I may get half an email condemning me for drinking and reviewing). It's a family friendly affair, but it thankfully doesn't shy away from guns and a bit of violence. I would say the film actually retains the true spirit of the original Hergé stories, but takes some liberties of its own. The main one being the wise decision to not have Snowy talk. However, being mute does not mean Snowy is inexpressive. He steals most of the scenes he's in, be it dragging a huge bone he somehow found in the Sahara desert whilst Haddock is sobering up to interacting with a playful guard dog. Snowy feels like an essential part of the heroic team. The action set-pieces are all fantastic. The standout for me was the Morocco chase which was insanely entertaining.

A couple of things stopped the film short of true greatness for me. One was the constant pratfalling of Captain Haddock, which was fine up to a point, but it is a real bugbear of mine- even in "family" films. Still, the kids in the cinema found it funny, so maybe I'm just a miserable bastard. The fact it was in 3D was a shame too. My eyes ached at the start but eventually settled down. Most of the time, I forgot I was wearing the stupid specs, which seems to be the mark of good 3D and typifies what a waste of fucking time the whole thing is. The film went on for slightly too long and I wasn't a huge fan of the climactic crane fight. I get what they were trying to do, but I wasn't as involved as I had been with the previous set-pieces.

"How's your thirst for adventure, Captain?"

The Adventure of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn to give it its full, rather awkward title, is very good. The animation is amazing, the characters are great and it's a lot of old-fashioned, Boy's Own fun. I found it all to be quite charming, which is a rarity. I want a sequel yesterday Mr Jackson and Spielberg, get on it!

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

Once again I return to the three films that made "prequel" a dirty word. I must say, it is genuinely a relief to get them done. However, it's a very characteristic short-lived victory as I'm already seeing the problems ahead of reviewing not only some personal childhood staples, but films that have been torn apart, analysed from all possible angles and discussed for decades. It's going to be tougher than I initially thought. I have a bad feeling about this.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

After being twice bitten and disregarding the sensible shyness that should have kicked in after The Phantom Menace, people still flocked to see Revenge of the Sith. The film had a lot to answer for, having to convince people that the prequels weren't a waste of time and money, but also had to neatly tie this new trilogy in with the original trilogy. We (and by we I mean Star Wars nerds) knew that this film was the one where Anakin turned to the Dark Side and become everyone's favourite asthmatic Sith lord. We'd seen some pretty shitty preceding nonsense, but this was the pay off. We'd seen Anakin lose his mother, get all up in some sandpeople's business and now here was the birth of pop culture's most iconic characters. And LUCAS FUCKED IT UP.

"I'm going there to end this war. Wait for me until I return. Things will be different, I promise. Please wait for me."

God, I can't be arsed to type a synopsis. Summat about war. All the actor comments in my previous reviews still ring true anyway. Now, Revenge of the Sith is not nearly as bad as Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones. It has some good moments, but once again, there are too many baffling missteps to elevate the overall quality. The film goes for a "dark" tone. Certainly, there's a lot more death and despair in this one, which beats cheering children and hooting Gungan bellends any day. It's poorly done though, with the crucial lack of characterisation evident when you suddenly realise you don't give a shit. Tragedy only works if you care for the characters. Even though Lucas had two films to chart the fall of Skywalker it still feels rushed. Anakin bends to Palpatine's will laughably quickly after Palpy vaguely implies that he could save people from dying.

Revenge of the Sith is frustrating. I do actually like it and its my most re-watched of the prequels, but it's a like that comes with many different caveats and qualifiers. Tonally it's all over the place. For instance, in the opening scene, we go from Anakin slicing off Dooku's hands and decapitating him, to R2 dicking about with security droids. It's really odd. The film also flits from boring dialogue to impressive special effects driven action.  The dialogue, whilst tedious and functional, for the most part is better this time, with the exception of one scene which made me want to curl up and cringe myself to death. Here are les mots diabolique:

Anakin: You are so beautiful.

Padme: It's only because I'm so in love.

Anakin: No. It's because I'm so in love with you.

Padme: So love has blinded you?

Anakin: That's not exactly what I meant.

Padme: But it's probably true.

The delivery makes it even worse. Plus, the weird lighting and make-up on Padmé in this bit makes Natalie Portman, a usually fucking gorgeous woman, look like this. I normally wouldn't mind, but the dialogue draws specific attention to it. Also there's the aformentioned birth of Vader fuck-up. You know the scene. You know how it makes you feel.

As for the good things, I like the set-pieces. Having said that, I'm not a fan of the overlong final fight between Anakin and Obi-Wan. It tries to be too epic and falls flat. Duel of the Fates in Phantom Menace had the right balance. In Sith, it just drags after a while and as a result does the unthinkable-  it makes lightsaber combat boring. I like the scenes where Anakin is Vader in all but the suit. Marching through the Jedi temple with an army of clone troopers behind is undeniably cool. Plus, there's a fucking dark scene where one of the worst child actors in the world says: "Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What are we going to do?" and is answered by the harsh ignition of Vader's lightsaber. It's nasty, but at least it had some bite to it, unlike the majority of scenes in the prequels. I'm not saying more child murder would have improved the films (and that's certainly not a notion I want quoted out of context) I'm just saying that at least the scene elicits a reaction from me.

"Twisted by the Dark Side, young Skywalker has become. The boy you trained, gone he is."

So, yeah. Revenge of the Sith is the best of the prequels, but still not a very good film. As I said in my Phantom Menace review, the real tragedy is the missed opportunity here. These could have been great films. I'm inclined to blame Lucas for the most part, surrounding himself with yes men and not employing anyone with balls enough to tell him Jar Jar was fucking stupid and to go and have a shave. There will always be the original films, but that's not the point. What could have been will always be the worse part. George Lucas didn't "rape my childhood", as some of the more melodramatic fans have said, but he definitely made the Star Wars universe glow a little less brightly for me.

Real Steel

Sorry, sorry. Meant to review this a week ago, but laziness and Arkham City got in the way. New review though. Be grateful.

Real Steel (2011)

Hugh Jackman in a film about boxing robots. On its own, that sentence is a pitch for a film that nobody this side of asylum walls would go and see. Being the cool and dangerous internet vigilante that I am, I'm here to tell you that Real Steel is better than the laughable concept and why you should check it out providing you have a) a childlike mind capable of not processing family films through a filter of hate, bile and cynicism or b) not seen Rocky for a while and wondered what it would be like crossed with Transformers.

"His name is Atom. Get him a fight."

The film is set in 2020 where robot boxing is king. It tells the story of ex-boxer and failing fight promoter Charlie Kenton (Hugh Jackman), who suddenly finds himself lumbered with his estranged son Max (Dakota Goya) and struggling to pay the bills. He owes a lot of people money, the least dangerous of which is his long suffering friend/boss/love interest Bailey (Evangeline Lilly). However, when father and son salvage a scrapped sparring bot by the name of Atom, the pair decide to train Atom in an effort to ease Charlie's financial troubles and as a result, start growing closer together. I normally hate those poster whores who write things like the above "Rocky...crossed with Transformers" line just for a spot on the DVD cover. Thing is, that description is almost totally accurate. It is Rocky with robots i.e. an underdog from the streets gets a shot at the big time. Fair enough, that seems to be the plot for every boxing movie, but the Stallone parallels are strong. Jack Human is fine, playing the role that he normally does when he's not got adamantium claws. Surprisingly, the lead kid, Dakota Goya (seen only briefly as the young Thor in... well, Thor) didn't annoy me. Yes, he had the same smart-arse precocious kid lines that adults insist on writing for children, but he was pretty damn good. It was nice to see Evangeline Lilly outside of anticlimactic television shows too. She's alright here. 'Nuff said.

I know when what I'm watching a good family film when I wish I was 10 again so I could have my mind blown by it. If I were 10, I probably wouldn't have seen Rocky and therefore would have been surprised by the whole thing. Plus, it's robots beating seven bells out of each other AND you can tell which one is which AND there are no illusions of being "grown up" AND it's not directed by Michael Bay. All the fighters are very well-designed with their own unique quirks. My favourite was Metro, a Frankenstein's monster of a robot with a massive sledgehammer for a hand. Put simply, the robots work. The fights are all impressively shot and choreographed and the climactic fight actually feels like (I was going to say "a climax" here, but it ain't that good) an epic finale.

 "I'm either coming with you, or you're fishing for your keys in the sewer."

What doesn't work is the fairly laboured father/son bonding storyline. It's alright, but it does get bogged down with cheese and saccharine over-sentimentality. This is excusable to a certain extent as the seemingly bulletproof excuse of "it's for kids" rears its smug, punchable face, but even taking that into account, it still lays it on a little too thick. There's some truly obnoxious product placement on display here, with Microsoft's optimistic hopes that their Bing search engine will still exist in 2020 somehow making the concept of fighting robots less ludicrous. Having said that, it doesn't spoil the overall sense of fun and still makes this an easy recommendation for a family film. If you're an angry loner like me, you may still find things to enjoy about Real Steel. It's fucking ridiculous, but it's an inoffensive slice of fantasy fun. Stick that on your cover, Dreamworks!

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

Time for my thoughts on the second film in George Lucas' "Look at all the cool shit computers can do" trilogy. Thank Christ it gets better soon. I'm not sure how long my wrists would have stayed intact if it didn't.

Star Wars: Episode II- Attack of the Clones (2002)

Having been re-disappointed by Episode I, it was surprisingly tough to go back to Attack of the Clones with my reviewing eyes in. I know it isn't good and you know it isn't good. This is like therapy to me. If I tap out my review of this, I means I don't have to think about it analytically ever again. I can just watch for the pretty colours when I'm feeling particularly spaced out. To return briefly to The Phantom Menace, have you seen the recently released poster for the unfortunately-still-happening 3D re-release? Not only is it a lazy, shitty bit of design but I love the fact that the only two entertaining things about it are front row, centre. There's not a Gungan to be seen. That's marketing for you.

"I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth."

Attack of the Clones is set 10 years after The Phantom Menace. After there is an assassination attempt on Senator Amidala (Natalie Portman), Jedis Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and the now grown up Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) are called in to protect her. After it emerges that the Republic is in danger, Obi-Wan investigates the possibility of a clone army whilst Anakin and Padmé travel to Naboo and fall in love, not knowing their relationship is doomed. The plot is a big ol' jar of weaksauce. Again, too many things don't make sense and the love story that dominates the film is atrocious. All the actors are fine, even Hayden Christensen, who attracted a lot of criticism as "Mannequin Skywalker". I think the problem here is the characters, not the actors. This is typified with the casting of Christopher Lee.  The man could menace a bowl of cornflakes and yet he leaves no real impact on the film whatsoever.

So yeah. The "love story". I'm not even sure what Lucas thought he was doing. It is completely devoid of feeling and reality. You may think that reality has little or nothing to do with a film that has lightsabers and flying cars, but it really is important. You can be as fantastical as you want, but the audience needs something to ground them and be able to relate to. The romance in Episode II makes the Twilight films look like the greatest love stories ever told. The dialogue is stilted and unnatural throughout the prequels, but is especially bad in this film's love scenes. There's this infamous scene, for instance. Just watch it. Not only does it start with some extremely sexy political discussion, it then moves to embarrassing new lows with forced-as-fuck horseplay. I especially like the bit where Anakin pretends to be seriously injured. That'll get her moist. It's like Lucas just skimmed through "An Idiot's Guide to Mills & Boon: From Bodice-Ripping to Class Divides", copy-pasted half of it into the script and wrote "in motherfucking space" at the end. You know you're in trouble when your film has a romantic scene in front of a fireplace.

Despite the frequent action scenes, the film still manages to be boring. There's one brief moment of fun when Obi-Wan is fighting bounty hunter Jango Fett, but that's about your lot. The Clone War itself is nothing but a tech demo for Industrial Light and Magic's mad computer skillz and you know what? I don't even like Yoda getting his lightsaber out and fighting Dooku. It's retarded. The worst scene for me by far is the "comedy" sequence in the droid factory where C-3PO gets his head knocked off and put onto the body of a battle droid. It's so flinchingly bad I'm genuinely cringing as I write these words. Then there's the scene where Anakin goes mental on the discovery of his mother's body and kills a bunch of sandpeople. In better hands, this could have been a really affecting sequence. In the bearded businessman's hands, it's pretty laughable. Even though I like the line "They're animals, so I slaughtered them like animals!" his little confession to Padmé goes on way too long. It's meant to be a hint at future darkness, but ends up like a psychopath's recollection of his first murder/rape.

"If Master Obi-Wan caught me doing this, he'd be very grumpy."

Contrary to popular opinion, Attack of the Clones is the worst of the prequels in my book. The story doesn't even come close to coherency, the dialogue is fist-bitingly awful and to top it all off, it's dull to boot. It's not even bad in a fun way like The Phantom Menace can be. There are no real redeeming features as far as I'm concerned. It's just another film that doesn't deserve the grandiose John Williams theme at the end.

Red State

A review of a newish film to break up all the Star Whoring. You should know how this works by now. Attack of t' Clones is up next.

Red State (2011)

Kevin Smith has had a bad run. In 2008, he tried to ape Apatow with Zack and Miri Make A Porno and succeeded in every way bar achieving the massive box office takings those films get. He then decided to direct a film he hadn't written, Cop Out, which didn't bring in the big bucks either and was rightfully panned as lazy, by-the-numbers pigswill. So, Smith decided to return to his indie roots with Red State, buying up the distribution rights himself and taking it across the U.S. and doing one of his famous Q&As afterwards. It's a bold move and one I can't help but be impressed by. Smith has stepped way outside of his comfort zone, written, edited and directed a "horror" film and distributed it in a way not seen before. That's if you live in the exciting US of A. Here it's just farted into cinemas like every other film. Just thought I'd give you some backstory. You're welcome.

"I fear God. You better believe I fear God."

Red State begins with Travis (Michael Angarano) and his two friends Jared (Kyle Gallner) and Billy-Ray (Nicholas Braun) charmingly looking up loose women on a smartphone. After finding an older woman (Melissa Leo) who says she'll take on all three greasy boys at the same time, our "heroes" drive to her trailer where they are slipped Rohypnol and wake up caged and bound in the local church. It is here they see the local fundamentalist congregation, led by the infamous preacher Abin Cooper (Michael Parks), who firmly believes that homosexuals and sexual deviants should be executed in the name of the Lord. Some bad shit goes down and the ATF are called in, led by Joseph Keenan (John Goodman). First off, this ain't the horror film it's been billed as. It's certainly got elements of  horror, especially "torture porn" titles like Hostel, but that isn't really the main thrust of it all. In fact, I'm struggling to tell you what it was. It chops and changes genre and tone so often it's actually quite hard to define. Still, the story held my attention and took a few interesting, if occasionally fucking barmy, turns. The actors are decent, with Michael Parks stealing the show and giving an amazing performance as Abin Cooper. John Goodman was good too and I liked Kerry Bishé as the resigned but desperate Cheyenne.

Don't you just fucking hate those wankers that protest gay funerals with placards declaring that "God Hates Fags" and such? Yeah, me too. Red State is all about that kind of extremist fundamentalism. Abin Cooper preaches these horrible morals and reprehensible lessons to his captive (in both senses of the word) audience with all the frustratingly unrelenting confidence and conviction of a complete cunt. These early scenes are by far Red State's strongest, with Cooper's lengthy, well-written monologues to his loving congregation building tension well and paying off with some properly disturbing stuff. It's a shame that the film seemingly gets bored with all this and calls John Goodman in. Goodman brings the ruckus like you read about and the whole film goes all David Koresh, with an armed siege on an extremist religious complex making up the latter part of the film. This doesn't work that well and feels sloppily handled. I wanted a gritty, palpable Michael Mann-style shootout, but was left disappointed. Smith isn't used to directing action and it shows.

I'm not sure what point Red State was trying to make. There's an obvious anti-extremist message here, but there's some shady government business with the ATF agents later that didn't really make any sense. The ending fools you into thinking it's going to go a ludicrous, but undeniably entertaining way but ends up copping out (no pun intended). The teens aren't paid much heed after the film clicks into action mode and plot points just end up going nowhere. Without spoiling too much, there's a plot involving the possible redemption of Cheyenne which ends up being violently discarded. I'm sure this was meant to be shocking, but there's too much of a clusterfuck to actually care about what happens. You can't be shocked if you're not connecting or engaging with what's going on.

"People just do the strangest things when they believe they're entitled. But they do even stranger things when they just plain believe."

 Red State is a strange beast. It's a massive departure from what you'd expect the creator of Clerks to come up with, but it feels more like an experiment than a fully-fledged movie. If I wasn't familiar with the director's work, I think I'd be considerably less impressed. There are some awesome ideas here and it's almost worth watching for Parks' performance alone. It's an interesting if bleak watch, but too many things are mishandled for it to be anything other than a bit of a curio.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

I've reviewed quite a few things since this blog's inception. I've written about cinematic awesomeness, silver-screen mediocrity and some filmic abominations. I've covered sequels, trilogies and more recently, anthologies. One thing I have not done before is an entire saga. I knew this day would come. I've decided to review all six Star Wars films* in episodic order, rather than chronological. At least that way, this foolish undertaking has a  happy ending  satisfying conclusion  (is there anyway to write that without sounding like a seedy massage parlour perk?)

Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace (1999)

Very rarely does a series encapsulate both what I love and hate about films this perfectly. The original trilogy has its flaws (which I will discuss in great detail when we get there) but they're still great films. The prequel trilogy, not so much. I have a small confession. I actually liked The Phantom Menace when it came out. Then again, I was 12 and didn't really know what a good film was. Thanks to the depressing, constant mortal march to the grave we all have to endure, I'm older, fatter and have a better idea of what constitutes a good film. This certainly isn't it.

 "The boy is dangerous. They all sense it, why can't you?"

The "plot" is as follows: there is some sort of blockade around the planet of Naboo and the galactic senate have sent in two Jedi Knights- Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and a young Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) to negotiate. However, a plan to invade Naboo soon becomes apparent and it's up to the two Jedi, a young boy who is unusually strong with the Force (Jake Lloyd), a fourteen year old queen (Natalie Portman) and some floppy eared, rabbit/frog thing called Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) to save the day. It may seem like I'm being intentionally vague to mock the film, but I'm not. That is genuinely the best I can do to describe the basic story. Sure, I could describe specific scenes, but as for a plot outline, I'm fucked. The story gets bogged down in pseudo-political bullshit from the off, peppering phrases like "trade dispute" throughout. As a kid, I assumed all this political talk was too smart for me and I'd learn about it when I was older. Well,it still doesn't make any fucking sense. Both Neeson and McGregor do well with their crappy lines, but the main target for my ShitCannon 9000 is Jake Lloyd. Now, I don't want to make a habit of picking on ickle child actors (ahem), but by shiny MechaChrist is Lloyd awful in this. Practically every intonation is wrong, not to mention fleas-under-the-foreskin irritating. One would think Ahmed Best would also come under fire here, but from what I can gather, he's just doing exactly what he's been instructed to do. It just doesn't help that what he's been instructed to do is ruin scenes and make the audience embarrassed to the point of physical cringing.

So yeah, 12 years later and it's still tough to imagine how the creator of such a culturally important series of films could misjudge things this much. Jar Jar is an unfunny joysuck. There are awkward "comedy" bits, plot holes that even Paris Hilton's gynaecologist would describe as "gaping" and an overabundance of boring nonsensical political waffle. To top it all off, the mysticism of the Force is royally shafted when it's explained that it's all to do with microscopic lifeforms known as "midichlorians". I always thought the point of the Force was the fact that you could become as attuned to it as you wanted, providing you were dedicated enough. Phantom Menace skullfucks this idea and takes away some of the magic by explaining it.

There are some things I like about Phantom Menace, but they're fleeting. The John Williams score is great throughout, especially during the "Duel of the Fates" three-way smackdown between Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Darth Maul. But alas, no pleasure is pure in the Star Wars prequels and the awesome fight is intercut with Natalie Portman and her gang of forgettables shooting ineffectual droids, Jar Jar and the Gungans battling an entire droid army (complete with plenty of Jar Jar shenanigans) and Jake Lloyd being fucking annoying in a space battle. The podrace is also decent, injecting some much-needed life into the film, but it slightly overstays its welcome.

"Why do I get the feeling that we've picked up another pathetic life form?"

The Phantom Menace is an interesting one. It's not good or even average, but I can't bring myself to fully hate it. I like the smarmy Palpatine starting to get his evil plans in place and I love some of the designs and settings. Especially the rolling Droidekas. It's kind of fun to watch in one way, but that doesn't excuse the lazy plotting , abhorrent characters and crappy dialogue. The hardest thing to swallow even now, over a decade later, is what a massive missed opportunity this is. Lucas could have told a great story, but instead decided to shift as many toys as he could, writing in characters and situations purely for merchandising reasons.

*Technically there have been 7 Star Wars theatrical releases, my review of the seventh, The Clone Wars, can be found here.

Drive

After my frankly embarrassing September output. I vow to you, imaginary fans, that October will be a much fuller month. Got new films, some odd but hopefully interesting choices and an another entire franchise to review for starters. Hold on to your butts, it's going to get paragraphic up in this bitch.

Drive (2011)

After causing a bit of a stir at the Cannes Film Festival earlier this year and picking up the Best Director award for Nicolas Winding Refn, Drive fell off my radar for a bit. Now it's back dead centre, pinging away like a bad simile alarm would if tasked with analysing this very paragraph.

"If I drive for you, you give me a time and a place. I give you a five-minute window, anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours no matter what. I don't sit in while you're running it down; I don't carry a gun... I drive."

It's very difficult to describe the plot of Drive without making it sound like a bad Jason Statham vehicle (although that's kind of the point), but I'll do my best. Ryan Gosling plays a man referred to only as "Driver",  a stuntman by day who makes extra money on the side by moonlighting as a getaway driver for hire. Driver lives a rather solitary life, with only his mentor and veteran mechanic Shannon (Bryan Cranston) to really confide in. All of this changes when Driver meets neighbour Irene (Carey Mulligan) and her son Benicio (Kaden Leos) and finds them involved in some bad stuff and in need of protection. The film is purposefully playing around with action conventions and it ends up like an arthouse version of something like The Transporter. It works extremely well. Gosling is a fucking revelation as the lead, lending a semi-autistic edge to the tight-lipped hero. I love the fact Bryan Cranston makes an appearance and having not seen the reportedly excellent Breaking Bad, found it a genuine thrill to see Malcolm's dad, Hal, from Malcolm in the Middle play a scummy but still wholly likeable character. Carey Mulligan gives a really effective turn as Irene, having now got the whole palpable innocence and vulnerability thing down to a weaponised state. The surprise for me was Albert Brooks, normally known for his comedy roles and, more recently, his voice work in animations ranging from The Simpsons to Finding Nemo, playing a real nasty bastard in this. He steals many of the scenes he's in and is a genuinely charismatic villain. Also Ron Perlman. Just Ron Perlman. Nothing more needs to be said.

From the off, you can tell that both Drive and Refn are children of the 1980's. From the hot pink Vice City fonted credits to the hero's naff silver and gold scorpion jacket, Drive wants you to recall some of the dumb but fun films of the decade that style forgot. The first half of the the film is intentionally reminiscent of these cinematic curios and lulls you into a false sense of parody-cushioned security before whipping the rug out from under you and stomping your face in. Something about the synth soundtrack complete with nail-on-the-head lyrics and the burgeoning cheesy, but actually rather touching, relationship between Driver and Irene just makes you completely unprepared for the truly shocking violence contained in the latter part of the film. My snorts of derision at the sun-drenched romantic scenes soon caught in the back of my throat as I winced at some of the surprising and gorier moments. This strange but effective mix is typified in the soon-to-be infamous elevator scene. Crucially, the film doesn't linger on the horrific stuff. Much like my style of lovemaking, it's quick and brutal.

It's a rarity that the lead character is this compelling. After initially coming off as a bit of a douche what with his silly jacket and toothpick in the corner of his mouth, Driver turns out to be a fully fleshed-out sympathetic character. He's kind-hearted, but also undeniably a bit of a psychopath. He rarely says more than a couple of sentences to people unless he's talking about cartoons with Benicio or threatening strip-joint owners with a hammer. The strip club scene in particular has stuck with me and not for reasons of boobage. It's the vacant, seen-it-all-before look the strippers have on their faces whilst all of the interrogation was going on that gets me. Quite chilling.

"My partner is a belligerent asshole with his back up against a wall, and now, so am I."

I thought Drive was amazing. It's a punch to the face with a fist made of ice. It's not an arthouse pastiche of ridiculous action films nor is it a action film made to appeal to the edu-crowd. Drive is its own strange powerful beast and my film of the year (so far).