On Her Majesty's Secret Service

Been looking forward to rewatching this one.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

With Connery vowing to not return as Bond after the insane media circus that was his life at the time finally got to him, the hunt for a new Bond was on. Over 400 actors were auditioned (including a young Timothy Dalton), but the part eventually went to Australian model George Lazenby, a man with very little previous experience, but semi-famous in Britain for his "Big Fry" ads. It was a risky move, but then a lot of things about OHMSS are pretty bold changes in direction.

"There's always something formal about the point of a pistol."

James Bond (George Lazenby) investigates Blofeld's (Telly Savalas) new plan involving holding the world to ransom using chemical warfare. During the mission, Bond meets the troubled but beautiful Contessa Teresa di Vicenzo (or Tracy for short), played by Diana Rigg. Bond and Tracy fall in love and the two start making plans for their future while Bond ensures there will be a future worth living. OHMSS is the black sheep of the Bond family (that's the official Bond family, the two unofficial ones are treated like ginger haired stepchildren). Lazenby has a tough job replacing Connery. He's alright, but he struggles with the off the cuff quips and inherent charm that came naturally to Connery. Unhappily, the script seems littered with one-liners that even Sean would have a hard time with. Diana Rigg is fantastic as Tracy, giving us a much more complex and layered Bond girl than seen before. She can be aloof, bratty, vulnerable, independent and stubborn whilst simultaneously being completely endearing. It's easy to see why 007 fell for her. Telly Savalas gives a pretty uninteresting turn as Blofeld. I prefer him as Kojak. Be on the lookout for a brief appearance by a young Joanna Lumley too.

I can't help but feel OHMSS would have been better with Connery for the sake of continuity if nothing else. To introduce a new actor playing Bond and have the character have to deal with the emotional heft of (SPOILER, I guess, but it has been 43 years) finally settling down only to have his new bride murdered is the wrong move in my opinion. OHMSS is a film with an identity crisis. The film has a horrible habit of emphasising that this film is part of what's come before. The (sub par, apart from the awesome Barry theme) opening titles feature pictures of Dr.No, Goldfinger and the like, along with Bond's previous squeezes. There's also a crushingly shit bit of fourth wall breaking where Tracy speeds away after a failed suicide attempt. Georgey Lazers says "This never happened to the other fellow!" and looks directly at camera. Cue titles and vomit. There's even a bit where Bond has "quit" MI6 and is cleaning out his desk, coming across Honey Ryder's knife, Red Grant's garrote watch and his breathing apparatus from Thunderball, all with their respective musical cues. That's not to mention the dwarf cleaner whistling "Goldfinger". Rather than fun little nods, these strike me as desperate attempts to get the audience to accept Lazers as Bond, presumably so that they'll feel something at the end.

So, things I like. The action scenes are pretty good. The hand-to-hand fighting is more vicious than we've seen before, for starters. There's all the fun winter sports bits, including the series' first ski-chase sequence which holds up pretty well, excluding the dodgy bluescreen work. Tracy is a great character. The photography of Switzerland is lovely. The Barry theme is one of his best. Plus, I like the love story between Bond and Tracy. It doesn't feel forced and manages to quite affecting, especially with Louis Armstrong's "We Have All the Time in the World" accompanying their courtship. Also, something I hadn't noticed until now was Moneypenny (Lois Maxwell) at the wedding. She's happy for Bond but she's completely heartbroken at the same time. Hats off to Maxwell in this scene, Moneypenny's unrequited love is almost as devastating as the end.

Speaking of which, dat ending. It's probably the biggest emotional punch the series has. I really think Lazenby does a great job here. The bit that always gets me are Bond's last lines when the policeman shows up. Cradling Tracy's lifeless body, Bond turns to him and says in a quiet but quaking voice: "It's all right. It's quite all right, really. She's having a rest. We'll be going on soon. There's no hurry, you see. We have all the time in the world." Fuck. It's devastating. Then the film just ends, credits rolling past the fatal bullet hole in the windscreen. It's a hell of a brave move. Unfortunately, just after this, the triumphant Monty Norman theme comes in. Not sure why they wanted to wreck the mood like that, but whatever.

"This department is not concerned with your personal problems."

On Her Majesty's Secret Service is a weird one. On one hand, it's got a decent plot, some good action and an emotional slant that other Bonds lack. On the other, Georgey Lazers ain't all that great and the film is pretty plodding in parts. I can see why some Bondians love OHMSS, but it just doesn't do it for me.

You Only Live Twice

Another day, another Bond #YOLT.

You Only Live Twice (1967)

You Only Live Twice was the first Bond film to be dramatically different from the source novel. The original book was all about Bond dealing with the death of his wife in On Her Majesty's Secret Service and the culture shock of adapting to Japanese life. Obviously, OHMSS hadn't been filmed yet, and previous screenwriter Richard Maibaum was unavailable, so the studio hired Roald Dahl (there aren't too many people named "Roald", but yes, the BFG fella) to pull several loose ideas into a single cohesive narrative. Where the novel was quite dark and brooding, the film is more frothy fun than anything else and divides opinion amongst Bond fans as to whether it's great or a crusty old tossrag.

"As you can see, I am about to inaugurate a little war. In a matter of hours after America and Russia have annihilated each other. We shall see a new power dominating the world."

After both Russian and American spacecraft go missing, each country does what came naturally during the Cold War: blame each other. With World War III looking extremely likely, the British government suspect foul play and send 007 (Sean Connery) to Japan to investigate. It soon becomes apparent that head of SPECTRE, Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Donald Pleasence) is behind it all, conducting his nefarious scheme from inside a hollowed-out volcano. With the world on the brink of war, it's up to Bond and an army of ninjas (fuck yes) to stop him. Frothy and light-hearted it may be, but at least it pops along at a decent pace and is actually consistently enjoyable unlike Thunderball. Dahl's screenplay is decent enough with the "outside aggressor trying to trick countries into warring" angle used in quite a few subsequent Bond flicks. Connery is fine, having had the whole Bond thing down two films ago. Bond has two significant love interests, Aki (Akiko Wakabayashi) and Kissy Suzuki (Mie Hama), both of whom are great. I was disappointed when Aki buys the farm about halfway through, but Kissy has her charms too. Donald Pleasence gives an oft-parodied performance as the disfigured Blofeld. My favourite character has to be "Tiger" Tanaka, the Japanese equivalent of M. Played by Tetsuro Tamba, the guy's a pleasure to watch. I smile every time he calls 007 "Bond-san".

One of my goals when starting this foolhardy Bond review-a-thon was to pinpoint what traditions began where and I'm happy to say that the whole "Bond theme playing when Bond does cool shit" thing started with this one, during the highly inventive and unusual "Little Nellie" sequence where Bond takes on enemy helicopters in an armed-to-the-teeth autogyro of his own. I think this sequence sums up the film nicely. If you can't get on board with the idea of 007 flying round killin' dudes in something that looks like he picked it up from the Early Learning Centre, then the film's silly charms will be wasted on you. If you like your Bond serious, look elsewhere.  The action is a marked improvement too, with a properly epic third act where Bond and a hundred ninjas rappel into the volcano lair. It's old school action, with people having the tendency to fall of gangwalks or to be thrown into dramatic acrobatics by grenade blasts.

Despite this Bond being lighter in tone than previous entries, that doesn't mean that the filmmaking process was taken any less seriously. A lot of people have commented that the film belongs to production designer Ken Adam, who created some astounding sets for the film, most famous of all being Blofeld's volcano lair which is magnificent. The guy's a genius. The cinematography is beautiful too, especially during the wedding sequence. Coupled with John Barry's gorgeous score, it's truly memorable and gets you square in the feels. It's just a shame Robbie Williams lamed it up with his song "Millennium", the smug bellend.

The film ain't 100% brilliant though. There are a couple of characters and events that don't really work. For instance, I understand faking Bond's death, but did MI6 really have to go through the rigmarole of staging it as well? Couldn't they have just passed along an obituary to the papers? I realise this would have made the pre-credits sequence duller than a thousand Thunderballs, but whatever. Also, I don't really understand the point of the Helga Brandt character. She's aptly played by Karin Dor, but she seems like a pale facsimile of Fiona Volpe from the previous film. There's also a scene where she has Bond helpless and tied to a chair. Her orders were to kill him, but instead she frees him, sleeps with him (naturally) and feigns running away with him, leaving it up to the point where they're flying home to betray him and parachute safely out of a nosediving plane. Doesn't make a lick of sense. Having said that, this is a film where we're meant to buy that a 6'2 Scotsman can be disguised as an Asian using a wig, a body wax and some eye prosthetics. I suppose you can't examine these things too closely.

"I shall look forward personally to exterminating you, Mr. Bond."

When I owned all the Bonds on VHS, You Only Live Twice was my most watched of the Connery era. I can see why. It's escapist fun, pure and simple. It won't be for everyone and there are better Bonds in the series, but I feel it's been unfairly maligned.

Thunderball

Urgh, just for a minute there, I was having fun with this whole Bond thing.

Thunderball (1965)

I'm going to level with you straight away. I've never liked Thunderball. After the first three ever-improving Bonds, it's a letdown. I pride myself on being able to see other points of view. I don't have to agree with them, but I can respect them. However, I have no Christ-punching idea why Thunderball keeps turning up on "best of Bond" lists. No clue whatsoever.  It's bloated, uncoordinated and criminally boring in places. Maybe it just gets a free pass because Connery's in it. 

"What exactly do you do?"

"Oh, I travel... a sort of licensed troubleshooter."

After some pre-credits nonsense with a jetpack, James Bond (Sean Connery) is sent to the Bahamas to investigate the theft of two nuclear missiles. Turns out SPECTRE plan on using the weapons to hold the UK and U.S. to ransom, threatening to reduce a non-specific city in both to radioactive rubble. Bond starts becoming suspicious of the eyepatch wearing Largo (Adolfo Celi) and enraptured by his niece/prisoner/lover Domino (Claudine Auger). The plot's alright. It's rather a simple story overcomplicated with needless clutter. I'm sure I don't need to comment on Connery any more, so I'll skip to Auger's Domino. I kinda like Domino. She's not very interesting and doesn't have much to do outside of waiting from Bond to free her from Largo's tyranny, but she's alright. She's nowhere near the firecracker that "Pooshy" was in Goldfinger. Largo is pretty boring too. He's well played by Celi, I just think SPECTRE's second-in-command should be a bit more charismatic than this. Snatching something fun from the jaws of dull is Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi), pretty much the only entertaining character in the film. Much like Red Grant in From Russia with Love, Volpe can be seen as a dark reflection of Bond, enjoying using her sexuality to get the better of her victims. Awesomely, she tends to have sex with people to pass the time until SPECTRE goons show up to take out her lover. She also manages to hit Bond right in the ego after the deed, pretty much the only woman in all 22 to do so. She's like a black widow or praying mantis. She throws how uninteresting Domino is into sharp contrast.

I think the main problem with Thunderball is the pacing. Quite a lot of it takes place underwater, which really doesn't help things, especially when the same dreamlike John Barry motif is used over and over again.There are a lot of scenes of characters just bouncing exposition off each other where a little character development would have gone a long way. Largo likes and owns sharks and he keeps his niece as a sexual prisoner. That's basically all I could tell you about him and he's the film's main villain. The only underwater scene that actually works is the big undersea battle between armies of divers. It's inventive and surprisingly vicious, especially with the liberal use of harpoon guns. The opening sequence where Bond fights a man in drag before jetpacking away is groan inducing. It's just too silly, even for a Bond caper. There's also more use of speeding up the film which reduces the potentially exciting ending sequence aboard the Disco Volante to a farcical glob of spunk. I get that there were technical limitations back in the '60s, but I refuse to believe that this looked anything but naff even back then.

Anything good? A few things. Connery is still fun to watch as Bond. The aforementioned Volpe is great. The underwater battle is good. The big sets by Ken Adam are predictably good, with SPECTRE's huge parlour and massive table really having the wow factor.The title sequence also screams classic Bond with its swimming silhouetted ladies and big Tom Jones song. There's also one great bit where Bond and Domino are relaxing on the beach and are being stalked by a villain. After Domino's warning, Bond picks up his nearby harpoon gun and spears him, pinning him to a tree. His kiss-off line?: "I think he got the point." Cheesy, yes, but it made me chuckle. Oh- and grumpy old Q showing up in a loud Hawaiian shirt is worth a mention too.

"Try to be a little less than your frivolous self, 007."

Thunderball isn't great. All the elements of a good Bond adventure are here, but they never convincingly hang together. Plus, for a lot of the time, the film is really quite tedious to sit through. It's not the worst Bond film ever as I've still got that to come (the prospect of having to rewatch it and say something more constructive than "it eats dicks" is daunting), but it definitely isn't in the same league as the preceding flicks. It's not bombastic enough to be fun like Goldfinger and it's not a decent enough spy thriller to be like From Russia with Love. Pretty damn poor.

Goldfinger

It's now time for not only one of the most famous Bond adventures, but probably one of the most famous films period. No pressure then...

Goldfinger (1964)

Let's revisit the '60s for a moment. The early 1960s to be precise. After the successful novels and two films, Bond was doing pretty well at the box office and Sean Connery was becoming well known. However, when Goldfinger came out in 1964 everything changed. The film was a gigantic hit, smashing records like a Hulk in a china shop. As a result, Bond became massive and Connery became a household name. Whilst the quality of the film was certainly a factor in terms of repeat viewings and hugely popular double-bill showings with Dr.No, there's another possible reason. Goldfinger was the first Bond film to directly appeal to American audiences. Bond travelled to the States in this one, C.I.A. agent Felix Leiter had a bigger part and the villain's dastardly scheme revolved around Fort Knox and crippling the American economy. The film also feels glitzier and more brazen than its two predecessors too. I think this element is key to understanding how the films took off from this point, both in terms of popularity and scale.

"Auric Goldfinger. Sounds like a French nail varnish."

James Bond (Sean Connery) is drafted in to keep an eye on Auric Goldfinger (Gert Frobe, dubbed by Michael Collins). In doing so, Bond uncovers not only Goldfinger's huge smuggling operation, but his plan concerning Fort Knox, America's biggest gold depository. Along the way, Bond is introduced to Goldfinger's henchman Oddjob (Harold Sakata), a mute, brick shithouse of a man with a razor brimmed hat and his personal pilot, Pussy Galore (Honor Blackman). The story's awesome and became the cheatsheet for many Bond films after this one. Again, Connery is great, this time giving 007 more of a humourous streak than seen before and a propensity for dry witticisms (something which was taken to the nth degree by Roger Moore). Gert Frobe is the fucking bomb in this film. His performance is so good, many people still don't know he was dubbed. Honor Blackman's Pussy Galore is the first of Bond's women to have a real independent character and even manages to resist Bond's apparently irresistible charms.

Goldfinger contains so many iconic moments it's ridiculous. There's the fatal painting of Jill Masterson (Shirley Eaton), Oddjob cutting off a statue's head with his hat, Bond's Aston Martin DB5 with all its gadgets and not forgetting that laser scene. All the aforementioned moments are timeless too. Whilst not as shocking as it was, the sight of a lifeless Shirley Eaton covered head to toe in gold paint is still very striking. It's also a fantastic way to make Bond's beef with Goldfinger personal, rather than just professional. The laser scene is still fantastic too. I forgot how well the character of Goldfinger was written. With the laser inching its way to an increasingly worried looking Bond's groin. His response to Bond's "Do you expect me to talk?" is one of my favourite Bond moments ever: "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!". He also gets an amazing speech later about the progress of man surging forward in every area apart from crime.

Goldfinger was the film that set the formula that was to be followed for decades to come. Firstly, the title sequence actually has the title song, famously performed by Shirley "Lungs" Bassey. Whilst taking its cue from From Russia with Love's fun with projecting stuff on other stuff, it's still visually interesting. Also, for the first time in the series we have Q (Desmond "Thug Life" Llewelyn) grumpily showing 007 his new toys and his fully loaded Aston Martin. The action's more accomplished too. There's a decent car chase where Bond gets to try out his gadgets like the in-built smokescreen and oil slick. The climactic smackdown between Bond and Oddjob is great too, if a bit tame by today's ultra-violent standards.

Despite what the tiresome old farts in pubs tell you, Goldfinger is not a perfect film. Plot wise, the addition of Tilly Masterson (Tania Mallet) doesn't really add anything. She's only in the film for about ten minutes before her neck loses a fight with Oddjob's hat anyway. Yeah, she may be included to give 007 another reason for taking down Goldfinger, but it's superfluous. He's already emotionally involved. There's also a bit where Goldfinger is outlining his plan to knock over Fort Knox using very elaborate means like scale models, retractable floors and furniture that whirs into place at the flick of a switch. Thing is, Goldfinger gasses every last motherfucker in the room. I understand this scene was to explain the plan to Bond (who is hidden underneath the model Fort Knox) and therefore us as the audience, but it still makes no logical sense.

I hate to say it, but Bond comes across like a bit of a wanker in this one. First he attacks my iPod by saying that drinking improperly chilled Dom Perignon is "just as bad as listening to The Beatles without earmuffs!" Secondly, and more importantly, his treatment of women is questionable. I'm not going to make a thing of this as there are plenty of other angry corners of the 'Net calling Bond a sexist pig. It's quite noticeable in Goldfinger though. He dismisses Dink, a bikini wearing masseuse, when Felix comes along for reasons of "man talk" but not before slapping her arse. He also forces himself on "Pooshy" Galore. Luckily, Miss Galore is fine with it, but it's still sexually aggressive. Also (and this is really nit-picky) but the film has a strange tendency to speed the film up. It's especially obvious in the opening scene where Bond has a decoy seagull on his head whilst infiltrating a depot from the water. We see Bond take off the fake bird in fast-forward. It's really odd. I can understand using it in the car sequence though. It can be forgiven for that.

"Choose your next witticism carefully Mr. Bond, it may be your last."

Anyway, enough of the post-modern deconstruction stuff that I hate. Goldfinger is a fantastic film. There's a very good reason why it was used as a template again and again. It gets the balance of humour, action, gadgets and all that fun spy stuff just right. Damn good.

From Russia with Love

Brace yourselves, it's going to get all sequel-flavoured up in this bitch.

From Russia with Love (1963)

I think From Russia with Love is my favourite Connery Bond. In terms of the public consciousness,  it tends to get lost in the shuffle between the more iconic early Bonds like Dr.No and Goldfinger. I feel that the Bond films are in a slightly different league than most films when it comes to reviewing them. What I may think is a good Bond flick may not be your idea of one. However, being as objective as I can, From Russia with Love is probably the best straight-up spy thriller of the 22. Some people have argued that it's the best of the series and while I can definitely see where they're coming from, I can't agree. It's damn good, but lacking a few key elements for me to be the ultimate Bond.

"Ah, the old game: give a wolf a taste and then leave him hungry. My friend, she's got you dangling."

After Dr.No's climactic boiling in the previous film, global terrorist organisation SPECTRE step up their game with a plan to end 007 (Sean Connery). SPECTRE head, the mysterious cat-stroking Blofeld (?*) orders Number Three, Colonel Rosa Klebb (Lotte Lenya) to trap Bond using the two things he's susceptible to, a much sought-after decoding machine called the Lektor and a beautiful Russian named Tatiana Romanova (Daniela Bianchi). All the while, Bond is being stalked by SPECTRE assassin Red Grant (Robert "Quint off Jaws" Shaw). The film is pretty solid, giving more of what we were given before but bigger. Connery has settled into the role by this point and gives us a more assured, less self-satisfied 007. Daniela Bianchi is good but pretty forgettable as Romanova and as such isn't the first name that comes to mind when discussing 007's women. It's a damn shame too as I think Bianchi in this film may be one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Bond gets a loyal ally in the form of Kerim Bay (Pedro Armendariz), the head of the Turkish station. Armendariz is instantly likeable as Kerim Bay and it's both a shame and a blessing this was his last role.

 I think the film belongs to the villains though, with Lotte Lenya's stern and psychotic Rosa Klebb and Shaw's equally psychotic but more debonair Red Grant. In fact, Klebb gets my favourite little bit in the whole film where she's barking orders and threats at Romanov and she pauses to put on the thickest fucking comedy glasses. Grant is an interesting one as he's kind of a dark reflection of Bond. Often Grant will be seen mirroring Bond's moves or stalking him like a shadow. After the great fake-out intro in which "Bond" gets garroted by Grant, it's really cool to see their storylines slowly move towards crossing paths for realsies. The culmination of this is the oft-lauded train fight where Bond and Grant duke it out in the claustrophobic confines of a train carriage. The whole sequence from Grant's deception to him being hoisted by his own petard (or more accurately: "garroted by his own watch") is a joy and right up there when I list my greatest Bond moments.

From Russia with Love also adds a few more elements to the ever-growing list of Bond hallmarks. This film introduces fan-favourite gadgetmaster Q (Desmond Llewelyn) in an understated way, having him show off a standard-issue briefcase with all sorts of fancy tricks. This is the series' first Bond gadget too, so hey, that's something. Blofeld has his first appearance too, although we don't see his face for a few more films yet. From Russia with Love also ushered in the famous Bond title track, sung by Matt Munro, although it scores the end credits, not the opening ones. Speaking of the titles, the film really kicks off a formula with the cast's names being projected onto the various jiggling parts of some bellydancers. Again, the use of the Bond theme still seems a little off, now playing when 007 is being driven around. That's not to discredit John Barry, who takes up the musical mantle for the first time with this film, lending a charm and dynamic that many other Bond films after this one would also benefit from.

"Red wine with fish. Well that should have told me something."

A lot of the action is quite dated (with the possible exception of the Grant/Bond scrap) but there's still some fun to be had. There's a big sequence where a gypsy camp is torched and attacked that's still a fairly decent bit. It's hard to imagine how the tame gypsy catfight that precedes the raid was considered shocking. There's also a very well done helicopter sequence, which was no doubt heavily influenced by North By Northwest. If I had to criticise it (and I do), I'd say the pacing's slightly off, with a lot of scenes taking a lot longer than they need to and killing the pace dead. It's a minor quibble though. This is Bond before the silliness started to creep in and it works very well. It's easily one of the best Bond films, despite it not being my personal favourite.

*The film actually credits Blofeld with a question mark, but he was actually played by Anthony Dawson, Dr.No's Professor Dent

Dr. No

Most of my urges are dark, solemn secrets between me and my internet service provider. However, I had an urge the other day that I felt safe to expose to the light of day. I've decided to review every Bond film in chronological order, one a day, for 22 days. Why? Well, I recently got the complete set on Blu-ray and it's the 50th anniversary of Bond this year, which is as good as an excuse as any. Let me address two things: 1) Yes, I probably do need a girlfriend or at least a night out with people once in a while and 2) I'm not going to do the two "unofficial" Bonds, namely 1967's Bond parody Casino Royale and Thunderball remake Never Say Never Again because, above all other things, they're shite. Let's start at the beginning with Dr.No, shall we?

Dr. No (1962)

It's tough to imagine what a cultural phenomenon James Bond was back in 1962. The books were already pretty famous, but the Dr.No film introduced him to the masses. In many ways, Bond was seen as an anti-hero, what with all the drinking, gambling, fighting and such. Still, this ain't a history lesson. It's hard to factor in '60s popular culture when present popular culture has put the entire decade on a pedestal. This is a film review and I'm going to review it using my 2012 eyes (I've pre-ordered my 2013 eyes).

"I admire your luck Mr...?"

"Bond. James Bond."

After being sent to Jamaica to investigate the disappearance of fellow agent, Commander Strangways, James Bond (Sean Connery) discovers there's a lot more than just a simple vanishing afoot, all of it having to do with the mysterious Dr. No (Joseph Wiseman). Along the way Bond also recruits local fisherman Quarrel (John Kitzmiller), CIA man Felix Leiter (Jack Lord) and bikini-clad diver Honey Ryder (Ursula Andress). Many would argue that Connery is the quintessential Bond and it's difficult to argue otherwise with his portrayal in Dr.No. He's suave, sophisticated and slick. I always thought he played Bond a bit too self-satisfied for his own good. There are moments in the film that seem like he's gliding through scenes on a cloud of pure smug. These are fleeting though and I personally love Connery's take. Ursula Andress manages to do well with what's she's given. She somehow injects her role with a believable toughness and vulnerability in what is basically an eye candy part. I love Joseph Wiseman as the nefarious Doctor. He's really quite cold and creepy. Some of my favourite bits of the entire film are when No and Bond are verbally squaring off against each other, especially when it becomes apparent that No is disappointed in Bond as an adversary and calls him "just a stupid policeman.".

As a spy film it still works well. It's a taught '60s thriller with double-crosses and backstabs par for the course. There are some amazing moments, including Bond waking up in his bed to find a massive tarantula crawling up his body and the super famous Honey Ryder introduction where she emerges from the ocean in a bikini and hunting knife on her hip. Apparently, her intro alone struck so much of a chord with audiences that bikini sales massively increased after the film released. There's a surprisingly dark moment as well, where Bond is lying in wait for Professor Dent, before confronting him and shooting the guy down in cold blood.

It's crazy to see just how many of the classic Bond hallmarks started here at square one. We have the gunbarrel intro, exotic locations, the iconic theme, a kaleidoscopic title sequence as well as M, Moneypenny and Felix Leiter. There's also a megalomaniacal villain with some sort of gimmick (in this case, motherfucking robot hands) and a big, science-y looking lair. There's even a Bond quip or two. No title song though, just the Bond theme playing over some charmingly lo-fi titles with colourful dots, then some multi-coloured dancing woman silhouettes before finally and surreally morphing into a Calypso version of "Three Blind Mice". Actually talking of music, having come to expect the famous theme to appear when Bond is doing something cool and Bondian, it's strange to see its use here, usually popping up when Bond is doing something utterly mundane, like reading a document or simply walking across a room.

"That's a Smith & Wesson, and you've had your six."

So is it still good? Yeah. It's entertaining and fun. If you can forgive the slightly hokey '60s espionage stuff with the overdramatic judo moves and a vague understanding of science. That's not to mention the casual racism.Quarrel is portrayed as rather simple, coming across as a superstitious native and a dogsbody, with Bond ordering Quarrel at one point to fetch his shoes. That aside, it's a decent film with some genuine intrigue (if you haven't seen it thousands of times on ITV over the years), action beats and a satisfying conclusion. It's not difficult to see how this film started off one of the most popular and profitable film series ever. 

Battleship

Been ignoring this blog yet again, so I thought I'd get back into the swing of things with a nice dumb meathead action flick. There was also some morbid fascination to this one as it bombed at the box office, despite appearing to give the audience of shrieking yahoos that enjoy the Transformers sequels exactly what they want.

Battleship (2012)

I don't know about you, but I laugh every time I see "in association with Hasbro" or something similar in the opening credits of a film. Maybe it'd be fine for animated features, but to see Hasbro, the toymaker, appear in glowing metallic letters backed with super-serious big-budget orchestral music is ludicrous. So, as you may or may not know, Battleship is actually based on that game of the same name with the plastic pegs. Don't take this as a clear indication of the film's quality though. Films have been based on board games before, like 1985 comedy Clue which was based on Cluedo or Jumanji and Zathura which were based on (sadly) fictional board games. It's a well known fact that Citizen Kane was based on a specific and particularly heated game of Operation, but they ended up leaving out all of that stuff when it came to the edit- that's Hollywood for you.

"IMDB had like 5 quotes that weren't particularly good. So I'm filling up space."

Anyway, Battleship is the story of Lieutenant Alex Hopper (fail magnet Taylor Kitch) as he and several ships are accosted by a violent alien race during routine naval war games. After being separated from the rest of the Navy led by Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson), it's up to Hopper and his gang to save the goddamn world. Actor-wise, Taylor Kitsch isn't bad and Liam Neeson is predictably good. Rihanna struggles with a thankless Michelle Rodriguez type role, but wins best female of the film by default considering Brooklyn Decker's Sam is a complete non-entity. A lot of the actors aren't actors at all, but real servicepeople and veterans. Dear Christ does it show as well. It's like Act of Valour all over again.

I would say I'm pretty cynical. I'm hardly proud of it though. It does stop you from enjoying the simple things. It's rare that I find a film that not only matches my cynicism, but surpasses it. Battleship is one of the most pandering, dumbed-down, by-the-numbers products I think I've ever seen. It's important for me to stress I didn't hate the film, I was just stunned by the assumptions it makes of its audience. It isn't any good, but it didn't earn any violent loathing from me. This is aimed squarely at the lowest common denominator. This is for the fat guy in row 7 with a trough full of popcorn and who thinks filmmaking doesn't get any more kick-ass that the Bayformers flicks. I'm trying very hard to not sound like a snooty prick here. I've said this sentence (or variations on it) so many times that I feel like a pull string doll. I fucking love dumb action movies. They are my bread and butter. I even liked the first Transformers. The sequels can go fuck themselves two towns away from me though. Battleship is trying so hard to be Transformers. It's got the same feel, same broadly sketched "characters", everything. Despite all the seriously impressive explosions and CGI being shoved in my face, all I could see was boxes being ticked on some prick exec's flipchart. Hollywood is obsessed with "the safe bet" at the moment. This is why we have more sequels than ever jostling for your attention at your local cinema. Battleship, at least on paper, seems like an guaranteed moneymaker. Truth be told, I don't know why it flopped as bad as it did. Perhaps it was the fact it went up against The Avengers. Perhaps it was due to the ridiculous premise. Who knows?

Battleship doesn't do anything new. It's a pale copy of something that wasn't very good in the first place. It's just another throbbing vein in America's angry erection for deifying the military. Thing is, as risible as the slo-mo Michael Bay shots of the military are, I can at least understand how some people could perceive them as "cool". Battleship does the same thing but worse, picking baffling montages to score with AC/DC songs. There's one bit where it's doing a montage of disabled soldiers going through physical therapy, which is a little odd, but fine. Then director Peter Berg includes weird shots like one of them playing a game on his phone. There's another one later in the film where some naval veterans have to do things old school to beat the invaders. It's meant to be really badass, but comes across like a parody. I was hooting with laughter by that point. The dialogue is also leaden, unsubtle and frankly painful to hear. Again, this lent an air of parody and spoof to the whole thing. Factor in the fact that Battleship is one of the stupidest films I've ever had to sit through and you may get some ironic enjoyment out of it. Word of warning though, this isn't a "so bad it's good" film, destined to take its place alongside The Room and Troll 2.

"I could write anything here and it would be better than everything in the film anyway. Guffbadgers."

As I said before, the effects and computer wizardry are damn impressive. If explosions and visual effects are your thing, you could do a hell of a lot worse than Battleship. The various designs of the alien crafts are cool as are the aliens themselves (even though they all look like they belong in the Halo universe). The film cost a lot of moolah and it shows. It's just a shame they couldn't hire better writers and better actors. When it comes down to it, Battleship is a committee made, dumb-as-they-come crowdpleaser that failed to either find or please they crowd it was targeted at. This is the point where most reviewers make some sort of ship pun, but I'm above that. I'll just leave you with the sobering thought that you people as an audience made this thing happen. This is what Hollywood thinks that you want based on all the twats buying tickets for Transformers and its ilk. You should be insulted. You should take to the streets and protest. But you won't. You'll sit around and wait for Michael Bay to deliver his next load of noisy gash to your eyeballs. Fuck you.

Dredd

It's The Popcorn Bucket's 4 year anniversary! To celebrate, I'm going to do absolutely nothing out of the ordinary and post another review. Save the party poppers for another time, lads.

Dredd (2012)

We live in the golden age of comic book movies. Well, that is to say we live in the golden age of movies adapted from American comic books. British comics are less of a success story when it's come to adapting them for the big screen. For every Watchmen or Kick-Ass there has been a Tank Girl, a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen or even a From Hell. Firmly belonging in the latter list was 1995's Judge Dredd, a Sylvester Stallone vehicle that couldn't have missed the point of Dredd harder if it tried and scuppered any chance of Dredd being taken seriously (at least cinematically) for a decade or so. So here we have a new take on the series, simply called Dredd, starring Karl Urban, aiming to right the wrongs of the Stallone nightmare.

"You have been judged. The sentence is death."

Okay, quick rundown. We're in the future. Most of America is a nuclear wasteland. There is a gigantic, sprawling city built on the remains and rubble called Mega City One, which is a bustling, violent metropolis. Law enforcement is different. Instead of police, Mega City One has Judges- helmeted clompy booted scary mofos who act as not only judge, but jury and executioner as well, often dispensing justice by executing criminals on the spot. Anyway, we follow Judge Joseph Dredd (Karl Urban) as he and his rookie partner Anderson (Olivia Thirlby) answer a routine call in a place called Peach Trees- a 200 story megastructure run by druglord and gang leader Ma-Ma (Lena Headey). However, tits go up when the building is locked down, forcing Dredd and Anderson to fight their way through the building to get to Ma-Ma and find out the link between what's going on and a new drug called Slo-Mo, which has flooded the street due to its ability to make users to feel like time is passing at 1% its normal speed.

If all that multiple floors/slumlord business is sounding familiar it's probably because you saw Indonesian/Welsh bonecruncher The Raid earlier this year. Whilst there are similarities, Dredd is its own beast. There have been certain grotty pockets of the Internet accusing Dredd of ripping The Raid off, but these sweaty losers have failed to take into account that a) the Dredd script was written before The Raid's b) the whole “being trapped in a building and having to fight your way out” is hardly new with The Towering Inferno and Die Hard exemplifying two different takes decades before and c) nobody gives a fuck. Karl Urban is a fantastic Dredd. He gives a suitably stoic and gruff performance as the no-nonsense Judge. Dredd wears a grimace the entire time and it just makes him a joy to watch. Olivia Thirlby surprised me as Anderson, giving a tough but endearing turn and picking up the emotional slack left by Dredd. Lena Headey continues her impressive streak of being awesome in everything she's in as the vicious Ma-Ma.

Not being up on my 2000AD, I can't really comment on how well the film adheres to the source material. I know a bit and the general consensus from fans seems to be that's its a pretty faithful adap. What I really liked about Dredd is that it keeps things practical if it can. It gives a realistic, gritty version of the future without CGI overkill as seen in this year's Total Rehash (see what I did there?). That's not to say it's bleak and boring though, it's a damn stylish film at times with the obvious standouts being the super-saturated Slo-Mo sequences. My mouth was agape at some of the shots. It almost justifies the 3D tax too. For a film that was apparently shot in 3D, it all looked pretty flat to me, with the exception of the aforementioned trippy bits. Perhaps I was wearing the specs back-to-front or something.

I think the main word for Dredd is “uncompromised”. Whilst it does make efforts to make Dredd seem heroic, this is probably the closest we'll get to the inked anti-hero. Dredd growls out cheesy one-liners whilst never changing his expression and thankfully isn't forced to go on some kind of “emotional journey”. He's exactly the same as when he went in, except dirtier and bloodier. The film makes full use of its 18 certificate, containing some of the most disgustamazing (not a word, should be) stuff I've seen in a long time. Wince-inducing highlights include some action with three mini-guns and a shootout on Slo-Mo. The action never hits the highs that it should, but it does well enough, somehow keeping constant shootouts from boring people, mostly thanks to the kick-ass Lawgiver gun which has all kinds of fun ammunition including armour-piercing and my personal favourite: “Hot Shot”.

It's tough to nail down my main problem with Dredd. I feel that the film is caught between two worlds. On the one hand it aims to be schlocky and fun, like a Paul Verhoeven picture, and on the other hand it's gritty and bleak. I wanted the action to be better because I felt the film deserved it, with its compelling setting and characters. The lack of a consistent tone became a bit of a problem for me. The middle section is a bit plodding too, with Dredd wandering around dark, samey corridors waiting for the plot to kick in again.

"I am the law!"

Dredd is great. It's not perfect and there are a few things that let it down for me, but the runtime just flew by. It completely eradicates memories of the 1995 disaster and establishes solid foundations to be built upon. We have a decent style, an awesome Dredd and Anderson and plenty to work with when it comes to sequels. Let's just hope it does decent enough business. Recommended.