Jurassic Park

I would like you to consider this review to be the tell-tale drip of water that emerges through the dam wall before the whole thing comes crashing down. What I mean by this is that a fuckmothering ton of reviews are coming your way. I would also like to dedicate this review to Michael Crichton, author of the original novel who died recently after a long battle with cancer. Rest in peace, Mr. Crichton.

Jurassic Park (1993)

"Jurassic Park" was released at the perfect time for me. I was about 7 when it first came out and at the time I was obsessed with dinosaurs. I knew all the names and had plastic models which I played with a lot of the time on my own (I don't remember any friends, seems I was a lonely child...) I had heard of this film called "Jurassic Park" and begged my parents to take me to see it. However, my parents deemed it too scary and I had to wait until over a year later to watch it on VHS.

"What've they got in there, King Kong?"

The basic story is so famous I don't think you need me to recap it. Anyway, I've always loved the plot. I'm a big fan of the ol' "Frankenstein" man meddling with science idea. The same goes for the "theme park gone awry" idea that seems to be a favourite of Crichton's.

The special effects were groundbreaking, no doubt about it. The good news is, they still hold up today, although thanks to advances in technology, they aren't quite as awe-inspiring as they once were. Despite this, you can't help but break out into a grin as Dr. Grant (Sam Neill) and Dr. Sattler (Laura Dern) first encounter the Brachiosaurus. It's one of those moments in a film where you just know it has gone from merely entertaining to potentially classic.

Even though I've seen the film many, many times before I still jumped at the jumpy parts, mostly the ones involving the raptors. I think the raptors are incredibly well done in this film. They're fast, scary and deadly- they're like the Jurassic answer to a ninja- and everyone knows you don't fuck with a ninja. It's also nice to see Spielberg go back to his "Jaws" roots with this film as some of the "extended dread" sequences i.e. the T.Rex's escape bit are fantastically realised. It's hard not to feel a little apprehensive when the goat in the T.Rex's pen has mysteriously gone missing.

"The lack of humility before nature that's being displayed here, uh... staggers me."

I really could go on and on about this film. It's brilliant and to me defines the term "blockbuster". Before I go on to my inevitable conclusion (if you don't know what it's going to be by now, you probably have trouble figuring out how doors work) I just want to mention John Williams' music. For me, the main themes he did for this film are not just great examples of the man's work but some of the greatest movie musical pieces ever. The graceful, majestic theme in particular is so damn beautiful and moving I honestly think I could never get tired of it.

Anyway, "Jurassic Park" gets a full:

I, Robot

It's time for another film review. Blah, blah, blah...opening paragraph.... So, "I, Robot" then:

I, Robot (2004)

I will pretty much watch Will Smith in anything these days. I think the guy's a great actor and has a natural comedic timing too. I remember seeing "I, Robot" when it was released on DVD and thinking that it was a fantastic film. I was impressed by the visuals, the humour and the cast. However, years have passed since then and I have been battered by the sands of cynicism and age.

"What makes your robots so much goddamn better than human beings?"

The basic plot follows the story of future cop Del Spooner (Will Smith) and his paranoia about robots (which are now commonplace). It's your standard conspiracy type film, really- just with a future setting. The thing that irritates me about the film as a whole is that it doesn't seem to know who its target audience are. I'll elaborate. The plot believes it is smarter than it is. So much so that when Dr. Calvin (Bridget Moynahan) says something supposedly clever, Spooner has to ask for a simple translation. This is clearly for all the slow-witted numbskulls out there who are just watching for all the pretty colours and loud bangs. It gets really annoying after a while. In fact, the whole film doesn't seem to "gel" together all the different elements at all, giving the film a sort of disjointed effect. On one hand we have a big budget sci-fi actioner starring Will Smith and on the other hand we have a slow burning story about conspiracies and the human condition.


Next we have the infamous product placement. I don't mind it per se but when films do it- whatever pays the bills an' all that, but when it's this obvious it grates. "Converse All-Stars Vintage 2004" is actually a line of dialogue. Shameless. I counted how many references there were to the shoes (i.e. every gratuitous shot, every line of dialogue etc) and there are 6. This works out at an average reference every 19.1 minutes. It is literally like watching a film and having some twat yell "BUY CONVERSE SHOES NOW!!" every 20 minutes or so.

"Thank you... you said someone, not something"

Don't get me wrong though, I actually like this film. This isn't me picking on bad parts of a bad film, this is me picking on bad parts that stop a good film from being great. The action is top-notch and I like the interplay between Spooner and Calvin. I love the character of Sonny most of all. Played by Alan "Some kind of God" Tudyk, he's the main reason why I believe this film was capable of true greatness. He is just genuinely likeable. His lines give us a glimpse of the subtlety and insight mostly missing from the film.

So, "I, Robot" gets a solid:

Meet the Spartans

I've had some very positive feedback on this site so far, which is nice. However, the one criticism of it is that I've been too positive i.e. only reviewing good films. I hold my hands up to this, I have. I realise that if I want to be taken seriously I have to give something a certificate in shittiness. Well, here goes:

Meet The Spartans (2008)

I remember a time when there were such things as good parodies. "Airplane!" and "The Naked Gun" are both great. Hell, even "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery" was pretty good. This film isn't. It is so awful I think I may have dropped a couple of points I.Q. wise.

"Stop kicking people into the pit of death! Honestly!"

I know it's not exactly hard to rag on a film like this. The thing that gets to me, apart from it being as funny as a kitten with cancer, is that it believes that it's funny. I cannot express how fucking infuriating that is. I watched the film online for free and I still feel cheated .The other thing that pisses me off is that it made $84,558,676 worldwide at the Box Office. 84 million Dollars?! FUCK OFF. That statistic depresses me beyond belief.

I am being completely honest when I say that whilst watching this I had to stop myself from closing the window and getting on with something less painful many times over. Yes, we get it. "300" was pretty homoerotic. Yes, Lindsay Lohan has been in rehab a couple of times. Yes, Paris Hilton is dumb. These are things we know and have known for a long time. I think I object to the fact that the film treats you like a moron from the off. So far as to have all the other characters announce the "celebrity" who is being portrayed- "Paris Hilton?!" etc.

Thing is, even the parodying is lazy. Parody as a genre already teeters on the edge of Cheapknockoffsville just to make a quick buck. However, when someone literally trips over a "Transformer Cube" you know that you're in trouble. The film made it personal when it lazily chucked out a "Casino Royale" torture scene parody. Oh, and that Britney Spears bit where she's kicked down the pit? Tasteless. I'm not a huge Britney fan, but c'mon- the woman clearly has mental health issues. At the risk of sounding Chris Crocker-like (yes, that also makes an appearance) leave her alone.

"I'm a Hilton, I don't bow... but I do bend over. "

Thing is, the idea itself isn't all bad. Well, I wouldn't have given it the "300" setting, but it is important to realise that films today tend to take themselves very seriously, even the ones with ridiculous elements (I'm looking at you "The Dark Knight"). Parody when done well is one of the greatest forms of comedy in my opinion. It's witty and cutting when done properly. This is just a lazy piece of shit thrown together with as many pop culture references as they can fit in. Even when they do reference, that's as far as it goes- no in depth humourous observations or anything.

Crap like this shows no sign of slowing down either. They are ridiculously cheap to make and always have a huge turnover at the cinema. I mean "Disaster Movie" was recently released and I'm sure there will be another one along soon. They make rubbish like this and there's still no sequel to the godly "Serenity"-there is no justice in the World. Still, if you want a "Disaster Movie" review, you know what to do.

A rating? I'm going to have to give it nothing, nada, zilch. It simply doesn't deserve one.

The Incredible Hulk

It's been a while since I put my reviewing fingers to keyboard, so bear with me, whisper reassuring things in my ear and try not to be too disappointed if I reach a premature conclusion *ahem*. What's that you say? "Hulk"? Okay then...

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

It's almost impossible to start reviewing this film without first thinking about 2003's "Hulk" directed by Ang Lee. Whilst personally I don't have a problem with it, the fanboys were livid. Soundbites like "Hulk doesn't smash enough" and "It's too long and boring" were whinged in the way that only grown men who still live with their parents can whinge. So, earlier this year we were given "The Incredible Hulk", a sort of remake cum sequel which bypasses Ang Lee's version completely.

"You wouldn't like me when I'm...hungry"

The basic plot is that after becoming the Hulk, Bruce Banner (Ed Norton) is forced to go on the run from the military. We pick up the story in Brazil where Banner has been incognito for months. However, an accident at the bottling factory where he works gives away his position to the army who will stop at nothing to take him in. To be honest, the plot isn't exactly amazing, but at least it isn't ridiculously complex and fraught with angst and repression like 2003's offering. It does its job without being patronising. It's pacier and funnier too- two welcome additions to the slow burning "Hulk"

Ed Norton is a great Banner. I don't know why, but I never bought Eric Bana as the character in the 2003 version. I think it's maybe because Norton has shown a dark side in films such as "American History X" and "Fight Club" that I believe he is this nice guy with a monster dwelling within. In fact all the cast are great. The stand-out performance for me though was Tim Roth's Emil Blonsky. I honestly think Hollywood has overlooked Roth. He's never turned in a duff perfomance to my knowledge and has always brought something interesting to the characters he plays. Plus it's nice to see a British man not being portrayed as gay or crumpet eating. Refreshing.

"HULK SMASH!"

There's more action too. I always liked the Hulk versus the Army scene in "Hulk" but there just wasn't enough of it. It honestly felt like it was there so that they could make a decent trailer to bring in the punters. "The Incredible Hulk" addresses this by giving us more of Hulk, well, smashing. There's an impressive sequence at a college and the monster mash-up between Hulk and Abomination is fantastic. I just knew they nailed the Hulk when he smashes a police cruiser in two and uses the pieces and huge metal gauntlets. Brought a huge smile to my face, I can tell you. Having said that, I still don't feel that the Hulk is being used to his full potential. My impression from the comics was that Hulk was a wild, untameable force of destruction. In this film he seems quite contained in comparison. More destruction for the sequel please.

Oh, one other thing- FUCKING IRON MAN IS IN IT! Yep, Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) makes an appearance and once again teases us with the forthcoming "Avengers" film. Thank God for Marvel Studios. I never dreamed of a world in which a character from a Paramount owned franchise could appear in a Universal film. I could have wept with joy when I watched it in the cinema. Honestly. I'm that sad. Anyway, "The Incredible Hulk" gets a great:

Iron Man

Yep, it's movie review time again. This time round it's "Iron Man". You may be wondering why the films I review are in such a strange order. Well, it's literally the order in which I see them. It's the turn of "Iron Man" this time 'cos my imported Blu-ray from the U.S. arrived the other day. Anyway, does "Iron Man" soar or sink? Has he lost his mind? Can he see or is he blind? Sorry, couldn't resist...

Iron Man (2008)

The best thing about Marvel comics was the fact that all the superheroes' stories occasionally interlocked and crossed over. As a kid I was an avid reader of "The Amazing Spider-Man" comics and thanks to Marvel, I knew who Daredevil was, who the X-Men were and so on and so forth. The story of Tony Stark was well-known to me. Billionaire industrialist creates suit to stop him from dying and decides to fight crime and injustice. Crueler critics than I have just dismissed Iron Man as a rip-off of D.C. Comics' Batman. I disagree. Iron Man has so much more to offer.

"Is it better to be feared or respected? I say, is it too much to ask for both?"

Onto the film. I was extremely pleased when I heard that they'd signed Robert Downey Jr. to play Tony Stark. He pretty much is Tony Stark without even trying, and it shows throughout the film. He's brilliant. He handles the dramatic and action scenes just as well as the swaggering, "I'm the coolest guy in the World" scenes. "Iron Man" just feels different to your average superhero affair and I'm certain it's because of Favreau's direction and Downey Jr.'s acting. It just feels more natural and real. Well, as real as a film about a man in a flying metal suit can be...

For about two thirds of the runtime, I thought "Iron Man" was the perfect superhero film. It was funny, action packed and just that little bit different. Many reviews have cited the slight downturn of the film starting at the point when the film's villain is revealed. I don't think this is the case. I reckon it's the change in the character of Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow). At the start she is a smart, capable woman who's more than a match for Tony Stark. By the end she's the stereotypical damsel in distress shouting lines such as "But you'll die!" and so on. It's a shame too as she was a dead cert for my book of "The Least Annoying Sidekicks Ever ". She does pull it back by the end, but the damage had been done by that point.

"Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing"

All in all though, "Iron Man" is great. It's the antidote to the awesome but depressing film that is "The Dark Knight". It's got some fantastic dialogue, great special effects and some genuinely touching moments. It's solid gold (titanium alloy).

A Knight's Tale

Goddamn promotions. They'll be the death of me. Every single time I see "2 for £20" or something similar, I creep over like a starved film-goblin and eagerly check out what's on offer. I have no self control. Anyway, said phenomenon happened today and I picked up "A Knight's Tale". Let the anachronistic mayhem begin!

A Knight's Tale (2001)

I remember watching this film years ago and really enjoying it. I loved the fact that it was deliberately anachronistic, what with things like a Medieval London Eye making an appearance. It's a barmy idea, but then nearly all of the great ideas are. I mean, when you really analyse them, films like "Star Wars" and "Back to the Future" are fucking loopy.

"He's blond, he's pissed, he'll see you in the lists, Lichtenstein!"

It's odd watching "A Knight's Tale" in a post "Dark Knight/deceased Ledger" world. It's a bit of a bitter pill. Firstly, there's an undercurrent of sadness that Ledger has actually gone. I get this with quite a few films these days- especially the early Bonds with the irreplaceable Desmond Llewelyn as "Q". Anyway, I digress. The point I'm trying to make is that even though I would count myself as a Ledger fan (not purely because of the Joker either) I am not reviewing this all misty-eyed and the like just because the guy is dead.

On the other hand, now I've seen Ledger in "Brokeback Mountain" and "The Dark Knight" I know he can do better. At times, I'm ashamed to say it seemed like he was phoning it in. Fair enough, one could argue that the script doesn't exactly allow for fantastic dramatic moments but the supporting cast of Mark Addy, Paul Bettany and Alan Tudyk do extremely well with the little they are given. In fact, talking of Mr. Bettany, I think he is fantastic as Chaucer. I love the fact he seems to be having a lot of fun in the role, stealing scenes effortlessly as he goes along. That's not to discredit any of the other actors though. I'm a big fan of Addy and Tudyk in this film as well.

The film is surprisingly funny too, especially when Chaucer and Wat are having a go at each other. The real triumph of the film though is the soundtrack. Who'd have thought Thin Lizzy, AC/DC and David Bowie would somehow fit into the Medieval setting? It's brilliant. Add into that some cracking action courtesy of the jousting tournaments and you've got a recipe for some lighthearted fun.

"Yes, Master Falhurst, I'm well aware a good fonging is on the way."

That's the thing. "A Knight's Tale" is fun and damn entertaining. Sure, the plot's hardly original but who the Hell cares when you've got the splintering of lances and a rockin' soundtrack to listen to? Not me, that's for sure.

The Shawshank Redemption

During these past couple of Internet-free weeks, I realised something. I was guilty of a crime. Something different to that time I set all those cats on fire. I had never seen "The Shawshank Redemption". It's not like I wasn't aware of it either- it frequently appears in "Greatest Ever Film" lists and the below poster and tagline are both iconic. So, I slapped the stupid out of myself and bought a copy. Here are the results:

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

I swear it's got to be one of the greatest feelings a (non-pornographic) film can give you. Whilst watching "The Shawshank Redemption" I was very aware that I was in the company of brilliance. It's that almost indescribable quality something has when you just know it's really, really good.

"I believe in two things: discipline and the Bible. Here you'll receive both. Put your trust in the Lord; your ass belongs to me. Welcome to Shawshank."

I get the feeling I don't need to tell you the basic plot as apparently I was the only person on the planet who hadn't seen it. However, just in case, I'll give you the lowdown. The plot is based on the Stephen King novella "Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption" and follows Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) as he is imprisoned for the murder of his cheating wife and her lover. Andy is carted off to Shawshank, probably the worst prison to ever exist to serve out a life sentence. Whilst in prison, Andy eventually befriends Ellis "Red" Redding (Morgan Freeman) a man who he's heard can "get things". As the story goes on, Andy asks Red to get Rita Hayworth for him. The story is engaging and simply fantastic. I was really caught up in it all. Shawshank is presented as a horrific, cruelly unfair place. The thing I loved most about the film, apart from some truly great dialogue, was the relationship between Andy and Red. It's presented with a degree of subtlety that you just don't see these days. I really like the fact that their friendship feels real, rather than forced for the plot's sake. Of course, most of the accolades for this can be placed upon Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman who play the characters with such skill that it's impossible not to like them.

It's very, very easy to point out when a bad film turns bad. You can pinpoint it with laser-guided accuracy. However, it is extremely difficult to pinpoint when a good film becomes a good film. I've tried to pin down what makes "The Shawshank Redemption" so good, but have been unsuccessful so far. I think it's the overall quality of everything combined. The acting and dialogue are stellar for one. Every character that's introduced is well fleshed out and given something to do, which is something most films can only dream of.

"Get busy living, or get busy dying. That's goddamn right."

The ending has got to be one of the most satisfying (non-pornographic) endings ever. It's incredibly well done, avoiding the mawkish and cheesy traps that most films fall into. The best thing about "The Shawshank Redemption" however, is more of a personal thing. It has proved to me that even after watching films for years and years, I can still be blown away by the exceptional few. If you haven't guessed by now, I give this film a full five stars.