Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

If I know my audience (and I don't want to) you're all desperate to see the new Potter flick and refuse to go until I tell you whether it's good or not. You silly, loveable sheep. Well, it seemed cruel to keep people waiting any longer, so here are my thoughts on Harry Potter and the Ridiculously Long Title: Part 57.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

I can't believe we've nearly reached the end of the Harry Potter series. In filmic terms, this decade has belonged to J.K. Rowling's speccy wizard and it'll be strange to not have an HP film to look forward to after Deathly Hallows Part 2 opens in July. Still, enough pondering an' shit. I've got a film to review.

"Well, well, well, look what we have here! It's Harry Potter. He's all bright and shiny and new again- just in time for the Dark Lord."

Deathly Hallows Part 1 again follows the trials and tribulations of Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) and best friends Ron (Rupert Grint) and Hermione (Emma Watson) as they battle against the evil, snake-faced Lord Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes) and his Death Eaters. The film is turgid with plot, both as a stand alone film and as a continuation of what's gone before. Much like Half-Blood Prince, the film expects you to know what has happened in previous installments and who every single character is. This is fine for die-hard fans, but everyone else may get a little lost. It's a shame too, as I would enjoy the ride up until Thingy from Wotsit came up and my brain would go into IMDB mode, trying to remember who they were instead of what was actually happening.  My usual actor comments would take up the rest of this review considering the sheer Brit thespian power on display, so I'll just say that Daniel Radcliffe didn't annoy me as much in this one. Of the new additions though, Bill Nighy pops up and basically plays Bill Nighy, but asks us to call him Rufus Scrimgeour. Rhys Ifans also makes a welcome appearance as Luna Lovegood's father, Xenophilius.

The one thing you'll hear about this film more than anything else is how "dark" it is. I hate to add my voice to the mooing masses, but they're right. Shit gets dark. The Potter films have always had a macabre edge to them, but this was normally balanced out by classroom shenanigans and general magical mirth at Hogwarts. Deathly Hallows moves away from this, and indeed Hogwarts, leaving the fortified castle walls behind and opting instead for increasingly cold-looking forests. Our trio are constantly on the run and there's little time for arsing about with chocolate frogs this time round. A comparison to a film like The Bourne Supremacy may not be as ridiculous as it may first seem. I would talk about certain departures, but won't just in case I get hit with the "you ruined the film for me" brick again. Suffice to say, the girlier members of the audience may have to choke back a few sobs.

In terms of specifics, there's a lot to like here. The scene that left the most impact on me was the beautiful animated sequence that tells the story of the Deathly Hallows. The shadow marionette visuals coupled with the downright creepy story work fantastically well. The opening action sequence is good too, if only for the novelty of seeing cars getting flipped Hollywood style in a Harry Potter film. The brief but effective fight in a greasy spoon was also great. In terms of sheer oddery though, the dance Harry and Hermione share to Nick Cave's "O Children" takes some beating. It's not bad, it just feels out of place. As I said, there aren't many lighter moments but if the sight of seven Harry Potters ( including one in a bra) doesn't raise a smile, I don't know what to suggest.

"If Voldemort's really taken over the Ministry, none of the old places are safe."

I enjoyed the hell out of Deathly Hallows. Whilst I do feel that the sheer amount of plot is starting to drag the series down, it remains entertaining.You may now go and see it. You even have my permission to start getting excited about Part 2. Jesus, I'm fantastic to you lot.

Jackass 3D

Yes, a review of something which is still in cinemas. It feels like a revelation to me too. Without further ado, here's my Jackass 3D review presented in eye and wallet-friendly 2D.

Jackass 3D (2010)

 I'm sick of hearing myself talking about 3D. I trot out the same points so often it's become second nature to complain about the elevated prices and general crapness of it all. However, I was excited when I heard about Jackass 3D. Why? Well, 3D is a gimmick, not a new and exciting filmmaking technique and it should be treated as such. The Jackass films aren't really films per se, just feature length opportunities to see grown men injuring themselves. A marriage between the two made sense to me. Plus, I was certain I'd see things done with 3D that I wouldn't see (or want to see, for that matter) anywhere else.

"Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to Jackass!"

Well, there's no plot really, but it'll be a familiar set up to anyone who has caught any of the anarchic TV show or two previous films. Basically, it's a bunch of man-children running about playing pranks, doing stunts and injuring themselves and others on a very regular basis. There's something really pure about the slapstick stuff on display here. The ideas behind the pain are often just shy of ingenious and the anticipation before a prank/stunt is often just as funny as the pay-off. The "High Five"skit is a great example of this. The 3D itself is good, but not really needed. Both the intro and ending are 3D eye-candy but most of the rest would work just as well in normal-o-vision. Having said that, this is probably the only 3D title that will ever contain people vomiting, shitting and pissing in three dimensions.

You can't really analyse Jackass. You either find it funny or you don't. Luckily, I do find it funny and laughed throughout. My face hurt by the time we left the cinema. Every so often I keep remembering certain skits and smiling to myself. One of my favourites was "Electric Avenue"- a small corridor filled with a live tasers and spinning cattle prods, in which the Jackasses have to run the electric gauntlet dressed in prison outfits, all set to that Eddie Grant song that Currys ruined. Even when the skits sometimes look a bit laugh-free like "Ram Jam"- where Steve-O and Ryan Dunn, dressed in marching band attire, attempt to pacify a ram by playing some brass instruments, they can still turn out to be great.

Jackass isn't all about the slapstick buffoonery though. Chances are that you'll spend as much time gagging as you will giggling. The "Sweat Suit Cocktail" bit made me gag several times between guffaws- same goes for the fantastic "Poo Cocktail Supreme", which whilst disgusting, is definitely one of the film's highlights. I get the feeling that people unintiated to the whole Jackass thing may find the stunts amusing, but will draw the line at fecal matter. However, Jackass has been around for about a decade now, so I suppose most people will know what to expect.

"Oh God, why do I have to be Steve-O?"

So, Jackass 3D is very good. It would have worked in 2D, but the 3D does add a welcome additional layer of ridiculousness. When it comes down to it, I laughed much more watching Jackass 3D than I have at any recent comedy film. However, as good as it is, it still wasn't worth £9.35 per ticket (£10.35 if you didn't bring your own pair of 3D specs). Still, it's one of the only 3D films I'd recommend that you see, which marks it out from the rest of the pack.

[Rec] 2

Yeah. a horror review on Halloween. It just feels right to watch scary films around Halloween, even if you're a bit of a horror fugitive like me. I get caught up in the tradition of it all. It's the same reason I always seek out The Nightmare Before Christmas in late December and watch The Pancake That Saved The Entire Fucking World on Shrove Tuesday.

[Rec] 2 (2009)

 To date, the original [Rec] is one of the only films that properly chilled me. Its combination of claustrophobic settings, tense atmosphere and effective scares marked it out from the rest of the rabble that make up the oversubscribed horror genre. Since 2007, things have changed. [Rec] was given the standard Hollywood remake treatment in the form of the very similar, but not as good Quarantine. In 2010, we're now staring down the barrel of a fully-fledged [Rec] franchise, with [Rec] 2 being the second in a proposed set of 4 films. There's a lot to fuck up between now and then, but if [Rec] 2 is anything to go by, we could have a semi-decent horror franchise going here.

"¿Dónde están mis guantes de jardinería?"*

[Rec] 2 follows a growing tradition of sequels that start mere minutes after the previous film ended. This time, we follow Dr.Owen (Jonathan Mellor) and a three-man SWAT team around the quarantined building, searching for the antidote to the outbreak. The story is actually pretty decent, retaining the oppressive suffocating feeling that made the first film work. I wasn't impressed when the SWAT team went into the building armed with the type of firepower that could rip a buffalo in half, but to the film's credit, it ups the ante and action whilst retaining some sense of danger and/or fear. The film veers dangerously close to turning into just another guns 'n zoms flick at times, but never quite tips the balance. I actually found the teenagers' thread to be more fear-inducing than that of the tooled-up professional hardmen. Having said that, for professionals, they were about as effective as the scared, unarmed teens against the infected. I think it's because of this that I sided with the kids over the inept guffmonkeys that were the Spanish SWAT.

So, is it scary? Well, it definitely has its moments, but inevitably things aren't as fresh as in [Rec]. The infected have lost their lustre a bit and so [Rec] 2 tries to change things up a bit with all manner of abominations unto the Lord's name. It's progression, but in the most conventional way possible- something which I would have thought way beneath the makers of the original. It's disappointing to see the wheels fall off [Rec]'s sense of realism. It's interesting to note that there are less of the short, sharp shocks that there were in [Rec]. [Rec] 2 has more of a prolonged horror and gross-out kinda vibe to it, which is more hit-and-miss than the almost unbearable tension ratcheting of the first. It's hard to imagine the (admittedly funny, but slightly out of place) firework bit in the original, for one. The film also borrows heavily from The Exorcist to a distracting degree. I mean, if you're going to go for a possession-tinged story, for fuck's sake don't rip off the mack daddy of all crucifix'em ups. You're only going to look inferior by comparison.

"¡Dios mío! Usted tiene la cara de lechuza!"*

However, despite these problems [Rec] 2 is an entertaining film. I'd say it's a worthy sequel, but only just. The cracks are starting to show and the concept is starting to smell a bit, but the ending gave me hope that this will be resolved in the third 'un.

*Yeah, couldn't find any quotes since the film's in fuggin' Spanish so I made some up. Google them if you like jokes with disappointing pay-offs.

The Other Guys

Since I single-handedly failed to review all of this year's blockbusters, I decided that instead of trying to catch up on all of them, I'd pick and choose a select few to talk about. One of those is entitled The Other Guys and stars Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. Let's talk about it, shall we?

The Other Guys (2010)

Even before I sat down to watch The Other Guys, I'd felt like I'd seen it before. The buddy-cop dynamic has been exploited in almost every single way ranging from the time-tested formula of a chalk and cheese pairing (Riggs and Murtaugh from the Lethal Weapon series spring to mind), to the 80's anomaly of teaming Tom Hanks with a big, slobbering dog (Google it if you simply need to find out). Plus, what I suspected to be the funniest moments were already in the trailer, negating any surprise and/or laughs and thoroughly undermining the entire point of trailers. 

"You have the right to remain silent... but I want to hear you scream!"

The basic story is that Det. Allen Gamble (Will Ferrell) and Det. Terry Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg) are "the other guys" behind the superstar cop team of Danson (Dwayne Johnson) and Highsmith (Samuel L. Jackson). Whilst Danson and Highsmith are off doing exciting, death-defying stuff, Gamble and Hoitz are doing their tedious paperwork. However, when The Rock and Mace Windu inexplicably jump off a roof to their deaths, it's Gamble and Hoitz who step up to the challenge of filling their shoes. The plot smacks of pure functionality. It's not here to do something clever or intriguing, it's here to give us big action sequences and chances to see our two leads bicker with each other. Will Ferrell is on automatic pilot through most of the runtime, although I do find the guy funny when he's being earnest and there were a few moments that made me smile. The funnier of the two is Mark Wahlberg, who I'll maintain is a better comedian than he is a serious actor, but again it was only his past glory as the foul-mouthed Dignan from The Departed that made me smile occasionally.

The "corporate corruption" angle, mostly brought in by Steve Coogan's oily, rich Brit Sir David Ershon is ridiculous, especially considering that the film seems to want you to take that aspect seriously- as proven by a helpful and not-at-all out of place series of diagrams explaining big business corruption that plays through the end credits. Fun With Dick and Jane tried to pull a similar trick and when was the last time you heard about that film being talked about on the street? Although, at least it was more justified than it is in The Other Guys, as the plot had vague things to do with the collapse of Enron n' shit like that.

I wanted some decent jokes out of The Other Guys. but it ultimately failed to deliver. If you like comedy as broad as it comes, then look no further than The Other Guys. It's like every joke is designed to be funny to a 12 year old boy with no thought for anyone else. Most of the time, the film just falls back on popular culture references to pad out the weak-as-fuck plot. Haven't heard enough Star Wars references yet, despite the fact that it seems every fucking TV show and film has to mention Lucas' accidental genius trilogy by law? The Other Guys has one. Want to hear the name of a popular video game series used as a punchline? The Other Guys will mention Grand Theft Auto. The absolute pinnacle of this pile of poo though, is the fact that Michael Keaton's character, supposedly unwittingly, keeps quoting TLC song titles. Jesus, modern comedy is so fucking lazy all you have to do to get a laugh is mention something that people remember and they'll bark and clap like over-enthusiastic seals.

"If we were in the wild, I would attack you. Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freakin' eat you!"

The Other Guys is a tough one. I didn't find it funny as such, but I was kept entertained until the patronising pie charts n' piss at the end. I suppose The Other Guys is a safe film- some toss that's thrown together with a surprisingly good cast just to keep the big movie bean-counters happy. If you can sit there and enjoy a film that doesn't even pretend to be about anything else but making your stylish wallet/purse that little bit lighter, then by all means see it. If not, join me and we'll gather outside the studios and picket. All together now- "MUST TRY HARDER! MUST TRY HARDER!"

Resident Evil: Afterlife

Yes, I've been gone for quite a while and as a result, this blog has been quieter than a church mouse graveyard. Still, I've seen a lot of films and will try my best to remember and catalogue them on this here site. To ease me back into the process, I'm reviewing Resident Evil: Afterlife- the latest in the increasingly ludicrous zombie killin' franchise released in shameless 3D.

Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)

I don't often find myself wishing I was on a film set. I mean, it's basically standing around for hours watching the same lines of dialogue being delivered over and over again. Unless it's an action sequence in which case, you're standing around for hours before some incredibly loud explosions go off, deafening the runners sent to get some chai latte or some similar pricey horsepiss. My rapidly disappearing point being, I wish I had been on the set of Afterlife, 'cos if I had, there would be a much better film in the can and a disturbing, localised increase in vicious hand-to-desk staplings.

"My name is Alice. I had worked for the Umbrella Corporation. Five years ago, the T-Virus escaped, and everybody died. Trouble was... they didn't stay dead."

The plot is both simplistic and barely there, which makes for tough summarising. Alice (Milla Jovovich) and Claire (Ali Larter) continue their battle against the all-powerful Umbrella Corporation, headed by Dagenham's third best David Bowie impersonator, Albert Wesker (Shawn Roberts). Along the way, fan-favourite character and Claire's brother, Chris Redfield (Wentworth Miller) joins the fray. From the off, it's clear what Afterlife's intentions are: to pack as many gun fights in the running time as possible, whilst occasionally reminding you why you have those retarded glasses on your face by having something pop out at you. Many people would blame the lack of plot and the abundance of stock characters and phrases on the source material- the long running video game series, but this isn't entirely fair. Whilst there is more fan service in this film than any other, the film ignores all of the good points of the games and makes up some new story full of everything we've seen 100 times before and stopped caring about by the 5th time. The Matrix was 11 fucking years ago, do we really need another lobby type scene? Or how about another falling and shooting slo-mo scene, like the one in The Matrix: Reloaded, proudly touted on the above poster? This is just rehashing to make a quick buck.

I initially approached Afterlife with guarded enthusiasm. After all, I'm always banging on about action like it pays my rent and keeps me warm at night. As as rule of thumb, if shit gets blown up, I'm smiling. However, when Jovotits started decimating everything with a literal glare about 5 minutes into the film, my smile faded and was replaced with some kind of frustrated gurn. It was too damn juvenile. I didn't want to see bullets flying towards me in stupid 3D, I didn't want to see Jovovadge flipping around in slo-mo like her spine had been swapped for a Slinky. What Afterlife fails to grasp is that you can't just build a film around what you think looks cool.

Afterlife is a gimmick film. "Nuthin' wrong with that.", you may grunt, but Afterlife doesn't even play to what few strengths it has. Surely in a zombie franchise, you'd expect some zombies. And they are present. For a bit, anyway. After an admittedly impressive bird's eye view of the now completely fucked Los Angeles, teeming with the undead, we barely see them again. It's idiotic. We don't even get a 3D shot of a zombie with arms reaching out from the screen- something which I was sure was a dead cert. The film instead focuses on the boring, sub-standard Wesker- who reminded me of Seann William-Scott doing an Agent Smith impression and the Nemesis monster- a big, lumbering prick with a sack on his head. 'Nuff said.

"I'm what you used to be... only better."

So, Afterlife is rubbish. As both a fan of action films and of the Resident Evil games, I was disappointed on both counts. I'd be fine if it was considered a misstep and the inevitable sequel was stripped back down to the basics, but it's already the most profitable of the franchise so it's only going to get shittier from here. Join me and bail out of this franchise now before those pesky women and children get there first. It's the only sane way.

The Crazies

After standing around in a field with literally thousands of unwashed people listening to music at a sternum-punching volume, things tend to get forgotten. Having now returned to the real world and recovered, it's time to return to what I do adequately- review films. As it happens, I have seen a film. And here is my review:

The Crazies (2010)

Aside from the casual misogyny, liberal use of words that would make my grandmother disown me and general shittiness, one of the main things this blog could be criticised for is the lack of horror reviews. I'll admit this now, I don't really see eye-to-eye with horror as a genre. It either fails to penetrate the ever-thickening bubble of numbness I imagine myself to be in or it scares the shit out of me and I never want to watch it again for fear of ruining all my good underwear. That's not to say I haven't enjoyed horror films, it's just that in entertainment terms, I find the horror genre to be patchier than a Hiroshima lawn. Anyway, bear with me whilst I inexpertly stab at The Crazies.

"Don't ask me why I can't leave without my wife and I won't ask you why you can."

The Crazies is a remake of the 1973 film of the same name. The super-shiny modern version concerns small hick town Sheriff David Dutton (Timothy Olyphant) as he and his wife, Judy (Radha Mitchell) become embroiled in a town-wide spread of a dangerous virus that causes people to go batshit crazy and homicidal. The plot is your standard zombie plot, i.e. some epidemic breaks and everyone but the most conventionally attractive turn into slavering monsters. Still, it's fun enough to not be a problem. Timothy Olyphant played himself again, with a dodgy moustache. Olyphant's an interesting actor, because I can never nail down if he can actually act or not. He's been great in some things (Deadwood springs to mind), but usually he brings a conflicting on-the-fence type of performance to the table that flits between good and wooden. The Crazies is a good example of this. The standout for me was Dutton's deputy, Russell Clank (Joe Anderson) who lights a fire under the film's arse when our heroes aren't being attacked.

The film is basically a zombie film without the zombies, if that makes sense. All the hallmarks of a modern zombie tale are present- George A. Romero's involved, it's a bit shit etc...but there's a clear distinction between the mentalists depicted here and the living impaired. A distinction I enjoyed. There's been a zombie overkill in pretty much every form of media these past few years and be they the slow, shuffling type or the fast, rip-your-face-off type, I'm starting to grow weary of them. The titular "crazies" are like normal people except totally driven by rage. They can also use weapons, an ability which allows ample gore to be shown, as exemplified in one fork-happy scene. There's a great scene in a morgue too, which almost definitely references Goldfinger at one point.

The Crazies starts to lose its way when the military show up. I've seen countless films where the military barrel in and act like macho pricks to the detriment of doing anything helpful, so when the film started to focus on them rather than the crazies, I began to zone out. The film's called The Crazies, not The Army Douches, so hows about you pan left to where those crazy people are doing something violent and interesting? The scares weren't that great either. They came in two flavours- standard jump scare, coupled with screech of music or prolonged scare in which something gore-tastic happens. You won't find any innovative horror here. The ending as well was pretty weak and had shades of a certain archaeologist's lowest ebb. Even after all the weird goings-on, it still felt like a step too far, cutting the wires that were suspending my disbelief and sending it crashing to the ground. It's not horrible, but I felt it deserved better.

"Boo-fucking-yah!"

So, yes. The Crazies was alright. It hasn't changed my black or white outlook on horror, but it has made me consider giving the genre another chance as I accidentally enjoyed it. It's a perfect rental if you fancy something a bit scary and Blockbuster have run out of all the good films. Tentatively recommended.

Toy Story 3

I tells ya, you wait for one bound-to-be-good summer film and then two turn up at once! Well, before I deal with the inevitable post-blockbuster blues, let me just post up my thoughts on Toy Story 3 - the film I've been waiting 11 long years for.

Toy Story 3 (2010)

If anything has proven the worth of a good idea, it's the Toy Story series. After 1995, CGI caught on like crabs in a brothel and soon everyone and their dog were pumping out CG films like there was no tomorrow. In 1999, the king of computer animation returned and showed the pretenders how it's done, by delivering a sequel (arguably) on par with the original. So, expectations are understandably high for this threequel.

"You've got a playdate with destiny!"

Toy Story 3 is set nine years after the events of Toy Story 2. We catch up with a 17 year old Andy (John Morris) as he prepares to leave for college. After a mix-up, Woody (Tom Hanks), Buzz (Tim Allen) and co. find themselves donated to Sunnyside Daycare Centre- a place full of hyperactive, loud and rough toddlers by day and run dictatorially by the strawberry-scented Lotso Huggin' Bear (Ned Beatty) by night. When they find out Andy is looking for them, the gang decide to escape Sunnyside to finally return home. In my opinion, they couldn't have chosen a better plot for the final Toy Story film. It seems like a natural progression to have the toys become obsolete and allows for many funny and touching moments. It almost seems trivial to mention that all the voice acting is fantastic, but I will because I like the clackety sound my keyboard makes when I type. Of the new additions though, Michael Keaton's Ken and Timothy Dalton's Mr.Pricklepants are the standouts. Both of which made me chuckle an embarrassing amount for a 23 year old male.

After the exceptional Pixar short Day and Night, the film opens with a fantastic action sequence involving a speeding train, a porcine spaceship and a bomb full of monkeys. It was funny, clever and everything I've come to expect from the Toy Story franchise. However, my smile soon faded as Woody and the gang hatch a plan involving a mobile phone just to get Andy to reach into the dusty toybox they're stored in and pay them some attention. It's really touching and the first of many emotional gut punches to come. The film doesn't get hung up on trying to tug on the heartstrings, but a lot of scenes have an emotional resonance not really found in the first two. There is one scene where (invisotexted- trust me, you don't want this spoiled) Woody and the gang find themselves facing their doom in an incinerator with no means of escape. Believing they're done for, the gang resolutely and grimly hold hands and prepare themselves for a fiery end. It's this level of poignancy and maturity that proves why Pixar are held in such high regard.

I realise I may have made Toy Story 3 sound as upbeat as a Schindler's List remake starring terminally ill puppies. It really isn't. The jokes come thick and fast and there's plenty of fun to be had throughout. I've always loved it when the toys plan some sort of crazy scheme, so imagine my delight when it all goes a bit prison breakout halfway through. It's a joy to watch the elements of the escape plan come together, especially when it culminates in a fantastic Potato Head moment. My heart sank when they did the same old "delusional Buzz" bit from the first two, but it eventually won (or should that be Juan?) me over. Oh, and the cymbal-banging monkey has now replaced that giant mutant crab in my recurring nightmare. He's fucking terrifying.

"C'mon. Let's go see how much we're going for on eBay..."

All stories, no matter how good, have to come to an end and Toy Story 3 is a fitting final chapter. If you don't even feel a pang of sadness when the credits start to roll, you're beyond help. I could hear people sobbing ten minutes before the end and it only escalated from there. My only problem with it was that it was in 3D, but not much can really been done about that as long as studios continue to dangle super-shiny 3D in front of the flock of magpies we know as the general public. Still, it's a great film and rather than merely suggest you watch it, I shall command you to. It needs to be seen. Make it so.